Southern Hospitality in Mississippi

I'm going to Jackson. Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash's voices are in my head. I wondered why Johnny Cash would write a song about going to Mississippi. I went to A School in Meridian, MS in 1994. Now, here I am going to Magee, MS for work. I'm on the plane watching a few episodes of Shameless and I missed half of the Raider/Jets game. Planes are uncomfortable and a rip off. They wanted 26 dollars for internet on the flight. Sometimes corporations make me sick with their focus on profits. But overall after flying hundreds of thousands of miles I'm so tired of travel. I'd rather sleep in my own bed and be with my family. I'll be working for Sempra energy, which is one of those companies I don't even like. I have Socal gas which is owned by Sempra and all they care about is profits.

My first flight was American Airlines from Santa Ana, CA and now flying from Dallas Texas to Jackson Mississippi. It's 8:15 on a Sunday night and the plane is pretty full. There are two young ladies sitting behind me. They didn't know each other before the flight but know some of the same people. Their voices have that country sound and I enjoy it. Women in Orange County tend to think they're real housewives on tv. People in the South many times have this down home realness to them and that country twang is very hot! The lady on the right is tall and wearing some daisy duke shorts. She says she's a Systems administrator and a nerd. Nerdy girls are hot!

When I land in Jackson I have to drive 45 miles to Magee. I'm not prepared and have some anxiety about a new town and new customer. I'll probably be up late but will try and have solid focus this week.

It's now Thursday of the same week. My mind is completely changed from before my trip. I realized I had incorrect preconceived notions of Mississippi based on my first experience in 1994 and my perception. Instead what I experienced was an enormous amount of southern hospitality from everyone. I don't believe met one person who treated me anything but respectful. I was called sir and obscene amount of times. I also encountered many of the most sincere individuals ever. It reminded me of Little Rock Arkansas. I didn't get into town until after 11pm. I went to a convenient store and bought some pepper jack cheese and two hard boiled eggs. I want to be bluntly honest so I'm going to point out when Someone is black or white. Because of the reputation MS has I want to address it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. The guy behind the counter at the convenient store was black and in his mid 20s. He looked like one of the cool kids. In CA he would have probably addressed me "sup". Instead, he said "yes sir" "no sir" "thank you sir". I'm not a sir and never will be. I view everyone as my equal. Whether you are the President or a custodian I respect people until given a reason not too. I was surprised and tried to give the courtesy right back. Then came the Holiday Inn Express in Magee. The lady at the counter didnt have my reservation, which I'm used to. She was white and eating some tater tots. She also used sir and quickly got my reservation fixed.

My first morning I was nervous. About to make my first trip to Sempra and My anxieties were kicking in. What if I fail? What if they think I suck? What if what if... Linda, a black woman is preparing the free breakfast at the Holiday Inn Express. I greet her and she asks me how I'm doing. I tell her great and ask her how she's doing. I look at her name tag and ask "how are you today Linda?" She says she's good and asks me my name. I tell her it's danny and she says to have a good day. I look and there are veggie or cheese omelettes, turkey or port sausage, bacon, biscuits, gravy, muffins, milk, orange juice, etc. i get several omelettes, turkey sausage, bacon, milk, and orange juice. I take it up to my room. Excellent quality, especially for a free hotel breakfast. I eat have some coffee and then off to Sempra.

I arrive at Sempra and take a deep breath before I enter. I enter the front door and the interior door is locked. I wait for someone to walk by and let me in. I can't remember the person's name. My anxieties were kicking in. The person guides me to a conference room where I meet three gentlemen. David and Randy are from Sempra corporate which I didn't know immediately and Herman is the site director. Herman is a large man. Not overweight just tall and country. He instantly reminds me of the netflix tv show Longmire. We begin to go over the plan foe the week and I instantly realize I'm being evaluated. I'm used to it. Companies pay a lot of money for me to visit so they expect the God of whatever product they have to walk through. Since you can't always satisfy people I evaluate myself harshly. I care what they think but I'm never surprised when someone surprises me with a skewed evaluation. David is a quite the gentleman and seems to be of hispanic descent and the only hispanic person I met in Mississippi. while Randy is asking me direct questions he is a white man that seems to be not afraid to be candid and ask tough questions.

We begin our efforts by walking to the control room. In the control room I meet Buster. Buster is a black man and quite quiet. I begin by logging into the system. Throughout the three and a half days I visit multiple remote sites and go up to a camera on a light pole using a man lift. I'm not fond of heights but did my best to not show it. Overall the trip was a success and even felt quite confident at times. I met two very good men in Ricky and Armond. Both were solid guys who take care of their family, do good work, and are so respectful. I can't even count how many times Armond called me sir. We drove by his house at one point. He owns 20 acres and had a nice brick home that he had built and he does his own plumbing and electrical. Both men are black and while I personally don't view people differently based on color they do their best to give black people a good name.

While in Magee I visited a few restaurants. I think my favorite was a chain called Zips. The burgers are really good but the fries are battered and so are the onion rings. The culture there was so family oriented I loved it. Many people came up to greet Herman as you can tell he's widely respected. He has an aura around him that supports the sentiment. Mcallister's is a chain but quality. I had the chicken club on Tuesday with steemed veggies and today I had the chicken club salad with ranch. On Monday we went to Berry's which is a buffet. I had fried catfish, chicken, okra, hush puppies, shrimp. I also had chocolate cream pie and fudge. Oh my! I would be 300+ if I lived in Magee. I also ate at Fernando's where I met two people named Barry. One male and one female. Overall it was a wonderful trip outside of work stresses and I have to say Magee has some wonderful people.

I will get strong again

The positive side of going through a tough time in your life is that you learn who is there for you when your at your best and who is there for you always. I've never been a great husband. I don't know if it's because I grew up in broken homes, whether I'm insecure, or if I'm just a crappy husband. I do know that no matter how much of a douche I've been my wife has always been there. Even when she found I cheated on her with our neighbor she still had my back. I have a couple of friends that are the same way and of course my kids always have my back. I don't mean to be a douche in my relationship I'm just a sucker for a woman. That I know is from my childhood. Being introduced to sex at such a young age has me craving it. It's like an addiction. Some people are addicted to alcohol while I'm addicted to naked women. Is that just totally sick? Probably, but I'm just being honest. In this day and age of so much political correctness we as people are sometimes afraid to be mortal and weak. I constantly work to suppress those desires and focus on things that are constructive instead.

What I do know is that I am weak right now I will ultimately be strong again. I'm very resilient and I also strive to become a better person. As I was laying in bed with the wife watching netflix I find that I'm not a cuddler. But instead of fighting it I just try to enjoy what she enjoys. Although I'd rather be out doing something like the beach, fishing, camping, hiking, instead I watched Netflix with the wife. I even baked cookies! I feel like a little bitch sometimes being so damn domesticated. I feel like my alter ego would be a dj at a strip club. "Can i get a warm round of applause for the next dancer coming to the stage, bambi". I mean who really cares right? What the fuck are we doing here anyways. Our society in the US is a complete mess. Half the people hate the President and want him to be impeached because he tweeted inappropriately while the other half just didn't want Hillary Clinton to be President. Why is it a crime to admit I'm a degenerate and that I like to look at and hang out with naked women? I know I know, your a perv danny.

Anyways, back to reality. I do know that I don't give up and I strive to be a better person. When will I learn who is there for my best interests and? Well, who are just there because I'm naturally a giving person. Now that I don't have as much to give the phone calls are less and the friends fewer.

I do have great days

I know i tend to get negative. I talk about the struggles because I hate to brag or boast. On a daily basis I do enjoy life. I'm that guy in the grocery store or anywhere trying to make people smile. I don't know why I come off as depressed and militant. I don't mean too. I think I see reality and I project it.

But, I had an amazing day today. Best day in a long time. I started a new job, and that has had me down for a while. The Dodgers also made some great moves. I'll write about that separately.  thought that I had made a mistake leaving one company for another. I tried desperately to go back but, they wouldn't take me. I got depressed and stressed. I didn't see eye to eye with the owner. He took money out of my paycheck even though I'm salary. My wife called me out and when I spoke up I was the douche. I made the owners mom cry because she works there too and tried to call me out on things. I could have sued them but because I don't believe in that I was the bad guy for bringing it to their attention. His mom's opinion was that they should be able to dock my pay if they feel like it. I should be happy he signs my paycheck is what she said. I think differently. I feel you should appreciate and respect your employees and for the most part they will respect and appreciate you. Today, I started a new job. Continuing my career as a Systems Engineer. It was probably, no it was the best first day ever. I have a lot to learn and it's not going to be easy to succeed. But, is it ever? Do we want it any other way? Ok, we might want it easier. But, I guarantee you that you don't appreciate it unless you have to work hard for it. 

I promise to appreciate what I have, most of the time. But, I also will continue to be honest and real. Life will always be tough and that's how it's suppose to be. It's a journey and a test. In over 2000 years nobody has figured it out. Even the richest found riches are not the goal. If you find the true goal? Call me, I'd really like to know.

Man up Danny and quit crying

Although I do believe I'm going through some sort of mid life crisis. Or at least starting to realize how many more years I have to work before retiring and just burned out. But, I am one who has trouble giving up. There might be a dark night but always a bright day after that. After I hit my lowest a couple of weeks ago I decided to change up some things. I had taken this new job as operations manager and it's overwhelming. The owner is a bit of a micro manager. Even having his mom who works at the front desk text him when I leave. For me that's a problem. As someone who is supposed to be running the company I don't need or appreciate someone trying to monitor me. I work many times when I'm not at the office and unless you're going to do my job don't try to assess how I should be doing things. Once I realized I have difference in opinion on how things should be run I realized this was not going to work out for me.

I decided to move on. I realized I did not owe anyone anything and should make myself happy and do what's best for me and my family. I was able to get a new position with another company within a couple of weeks and giving my notice today. For less responsibility and pressure I was able to get 10k dollars more a year and still have a company car. Top notch benefits with 401k matching, etc. I feel bad for the company I'm leaving but maybe companies should appreciate their employees more or risk losing them.

I need to cement this moment in time in my brain. Tell myself to make the best of the next stop and not get emotional about work. As I get older I'm not as resiliant to being down and I don't have as much patience for BS. I need to stay positive and work hard. Most of us have no choice but to work. I also need to stop being a big vagina! I whine and complain too much and I need to realize people are really suffering in the world. Stop being a little bitch Danny. Rise up and realize how good you actually got it.

I do know the root of my issues, and it's my own fault. My dumb ass bought a Lexus 3 years ago. I knew I wasn't ready to buy it but wanted to impress my wife. Now, I still have 2 years left on the car and it's dragging me down. I don't have much disposable income right now and it's taking away from being able to relax on my time off. I enjoy golfing, camping, Vegas, etc. I'm not able to do these things because I was a dumb ass and got myself in debt. Now, instead of crying about it I just need to focus and get it resolved. Also, learn from this for the next time. I think many of us do this. We run up our debt and then we're stressed about not having enough money to pay the debt off. I've realized that I need to save money and avoid big purchases. Having a cushion and extra cash is the better way to live. I just hope I listen to myself this time instead of going out and buying that Mazerati I want. Stay humble and drive a Honda Accord instead of a Lexus or Mazerati. Honestly, cars always get old and are not worth paying a big price for. Life is all about enjoyment and peace. The more stress and angst you add to your life? You're only going to add stress to your life.

My midlife crisis

I woke up this morning and after making breakfast for the family I took the dog for a walk. Then, I walked out to the parking lot with my son so he could practice driving. The car was gone! It wasn't stolen, we just didn't move it to a different spot in visitor parking after 24 hours and they towed it. It's my fault, yes I know. No excuses. $350 dollars to get it out tomorrow and it just added to my feelings of being done with all this shit. After living in a house for years it's been hard to get used to apartment living.

Look, maybe I'm a whiner. But, I've paid taxes for 24 years and at 40 years old I'm looking at another 27 years until I qualify for social security. For many years I was just happy to be alive and enjoyed the little things. Now, I'm hitting a wall. On top of the towing cost today my other son's car had his water pump go out and my car wouldn't complete smog. It didn't fail just wouldn't pass. My point is that sometimes it feels like everything that can go wrong goes wrong. I feel like I'm a pretty good person, but my karma feels fucked! All of this while trying to start a business also has me stressed out and ready to give up.

As a father of three I feel I've done my job and maybe even too much, which can be a bad thing. I wasn't father of the year but I raised my kids with love. The oldest is 23, middle is 19, and the youngest 17. But, my goals as a father are to send three well adjusted happy and productive adults into the world. Knowing the balance between too much and too little is sometimes a fine line. In some families it's common for children to have a comfortable childhood experience which extends into four years of paid college. Other families it's out to work before they're 18 and college is barely a dream. I wanted to try and get them through college and ready to show passion and enthusiasm in an area they love and have a skill for. Not saddling them with insecurities and anxieties. Allowing them to focus on their goals instead. Without coddling or allowing them to feel entitled. Like it's all owed to them.

I left for boot camp 4 days after I turned 18. I left my aunt and uncles house at 16. They had raised me since I was in 4th grade. I'm one of those kids where college was maybe a dream. When I went to live with my aunt and uncle at 9 years old I hadn't even heard of college. I was already drinking beer, smoking pot, and watching live porn in a communal environment. To be honest, My aunt and uncle deserve awards for making my brother, sister, and I functional adults. I was an angry lost soul when I went to live with them. I believe they kicked my ass in efforts to help me avoid getting arrested. I also believe it took away from what they already had planned for their own two children. I admire them, respect them, and appreciate their sacrifice. I don't even dare think about where I'd be without them. I only brought all of that up to explain some situations are different than others.

While my aunt and uncle who I consider my parents did the best they could they had their own challenges. Taking on three extra children would throw anyone's life into a wobble. I believe they sacrificed their own comfortable lifestyle. Adding the needs of three additional children brought burdens that I didn't realize as a kid. Now, I try to repay them by paying it forward to my children. Remembering the lessons I learned and trying to instill it in them without having to endure sleeping in a car with their brother and sister with no blankets. Having to hold each other to keep warm. Ensuring the basic fundamentals of a home.

Fast forward to today and I miss the good ol days. Although I always had the chance of getting my ass kicked it was nothing compared to having the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. Feeling inadequate for not doing or giving enough. Or coming up short financially. It's a demoralizing feeling. Add to that the sense of impending doom for the rest of society based on what I observe on news outlets. Good thing I know a different reality. But knowing how different I think than others has me discouraged and doubtful. People are feeling the financial squeeze and their actions are proof of that. People are freaking out and making last stands before they eventually just kill themselves. It's not only going to continue to happen but it's going to get worse. I won't even attempt that I have made all great decisions. This isn't a financial lesson, just an overall assessment of our economic situation in America. I'm sure other countries are not surprised. America is a young country and now the luster is off. It's time for it to settle in right next to the rest. No more manifest destiny. A man used to be able to pay the bills for his family with only one paycheck. It now takes two paychecks simply to survive. If i see this already happening how am I supposed to feel excited for the future? Instead, I find myself excited for my exit. Ready to disappear to hopefully a house on a lake where I can live peacefully for the rest of my life without the capitalistic philosophies of today's society.

From LA to MN

Another day another trip. This time I'm flying into Rochester Minnesota and driving to LaCrosse Wisconsin. I've been to Minnesota many times. I used to fly there when I worked with Target corporation. But I have never been to Wisconsin. It's interesting that I'm going there now. My mother lived in Wisconsin before her death in 2015. We didn't have much time to visit with each other though. As it was only a couple years in between us reconnecting after 28 years of having no idea where she was or if she was alive or dead.

Now, here I am going to a location where the low temperature tomorrow is 7 degrees. I know for some people 7 degrees is not that bad. But for this California kid 7 degrees is arctic cold. Maybe I'll find some sweet Wisconsin girl to keep me warm. Things have been shitty with the wife anyways. I know I know quit complaining. I just honestly believe that 21 years with someone is maybe too long. I get tired of myself, don't know how two people are supposed to stay together forever. Like Andre 3000 said from Outkast "forver ever?". After meeting in 1995 in Hawaii we lost contact but since 1996 we've off and on been together. By off and I mean we got divorced for several years and then remarried. I totally can see why celebrities continue to hop in and out of relationships. Once that newness wears off and both people aren't working hard to keep the other person from leaving, maybe it's easier to move on and find something nee to experience from.

Sometimes I feel trapped though. Bills and kids as well as not wanting to disrupt the entire family because I want something different. My brother-in-law is one of my best friends and I spend most holidays with her family. My family doesn't reach out very much so I tend to keep to myself these days. I used to have a bunch of friends but I slowly realized people are your friends when you're following their itinerary. But try to get them to do what you want and you quickly realized what kind of friends you keep. It's also the fact that the only constant is change. Both my wife and I have changed a lot. I do credit her for a lot of what I've accomplished. While she didn't do it for me she was never afraid to confront me on things. It's caused me to try and prove to her, myself, and everyone else that I can overachieve. Although I could have reached higher, I've accomplished more than I ever though possible. But am I a bad guy for wanting change? My wife wants change too she just doesn't admit it. She plays that portrayal of happy wife whenever we're at functions or when she's on Facebook. Reality is she expected much more than I've provided to her. First problem, her and I are from different worlds. She grew up with a mom who got her everything, including a brand new car at 16 years old. As well as her own apartment in high school when she got pregnant. I believe it's caused her to believe she's owed something. That's why she reminds me weekly that she wants to retire and stay home. No goals, just stay home and relax. For me, I've worked my entire life and had to earn everything I've got. I was paying 200 dollars a month rent in high school and walking 7 miles home from McDonalds after work at midnight. I'm not trying to boast just explain how people from different upbringings sometimes don't see eye to eye on things. In my opinion she coddles my son and tries to tell me how to do things, without actually knowing how or doing it herself. But above that I just think I'm ready to try something different.

At 40 I sometimes feel a little worn out from life and the expectations. Is it so bad to just want to spend one evening with another woman without that person reminding me just how much I owe everyone? Reminding me daily about how she has to work 4 days a week doing customer service and it drains her. Providing my son with more luxuries than I have? My son has two gym passes. One at UCIrvine and another at LA Fitness. He uses them daily but I resent her for always doing what he wants without consulting or agreeing with me first. I'm not saying she needs to consult with me to make decisions but that we're supposed to be a team. When we were trying to convince him to go to UCI instead of UCSC I discussed with her how we could convince him. When I approached him and offered him two Laker tickets in Kobe's last season his words were, "your gonna have to do better than that, mom offered me a Toyota Tacoma". It irritates me that she feels like she runs the show and I'm supposed to just take my ass to work everyday and make it happen.

While women fight and complain about equal opportunity and women's rights many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulder. Instead of realizing they can accomplish just as much as any man, sometimes even more. I know many companies I've worked for hire women more than men. With less experience women gets sales jobs. Bosses are also afraid to discipline them for any failure to do their job. Afraid they'll claim sexual harassment or something. I'm not crying about it just pointing out that women are fighting foe something that is already reality. You can't force every individual from giving equal opportunity but as a whole in America at least the equality is there. But I think it's caused many women especially my wife to have huge chips on their shoulder. Whenever I say something she automatically starts being defensive when I didnt even mean it a certain way. She wasn't like that when we were dating. It was all sweet and nice and blow jobs all the time. Now, she simply says this is reality get used to it and quit complaining. She says I owe it to her and my family so just shut the fuck up and do it. With a 22 year old daughter, 19 year old son, and 17 year old son I feel like I've already busted my ass taking care of my family. Getting them from elementary school through high school in the same school district and only two houses. My feelings are that it'll never be enough for her. Even if I reach another level the requirements change. I just want some relaxing moments with no expectations and after 20+ years I feel i deserve it. Or at least deserve to just to be free of it without guilt or hate. I know there are plenty of women who want a guy who works hard with little drama. A woman who has goals and dreams and her own life but wants someone to enjoy a conversation with or to talk something out with. Or, just be single and know that nobody is going to start screaming at me because I told my son he needs to clean his room before practice and she wants to be their favorite so she verbally attacks me so that they know who she supports most. Fuck that bullshit!

So in the meantime because I haven't figured out a way to afford an apartment for myself and pay her alimony and child support we keep it going. Often sleeping in the same bed while not even liking each other. She's a sweet girl to many and a nice person just not to me. I know she'll be fine though. She's very good at portraying sweet and innocent for a certain amount of time. She'll also suck and swallow for as long as it takes for her to get what she wants. Which would be a new husband with more money and security to let her stay home and retire. It's not me she necessarily wants. It's the easiest route to the easiest life that she wants. While i can't fault her for that i can be in search for something real instead or just for some single peace.

Ok, no more complaining. I am a little anxious going to a new airport and a new city. I don't always fit in everywhere. I can usually blend in easily but I'm an acquired taste for some people. Being a bit brown for one and being a fun easy going guy in a serious angry world is hard. I find myself fighting to resist being angry and cynical. I hope to change my attitude by the time we land. Realize that life is good and I'm very lucky to be blessed with intelligence, fight, and beauty! Lol, just playing about the beauty part but I do have to not allow the negative thoughts to sneak in. Also, the atmosphere in America right now is hostile. So much unrest and lack of faith in each other and our country. I want to every day show that although many of us are different? I support people's individual opinions and right's. I only ask that others believe in the same thing and stand for what they believe but also show respect for other peaceful people that think differently.

Don't judge me!

I'm addicted! I don't know if it's because I was introduced to sex at such a young age or I'm just a degenerate. I just know that I love beautiful women. Beautiful is not a size or shape specifically. It's an attitude and aura. I can't believe how many beautiful women there are. At the restaurant today and on the the plane right now. I'm going crazy! Yes, I know I'm fucking married. I'm just trying to be honest. My favorite look is the bad girl brunette with pretty eyes. You know the type. They have tattoos or piercings. Green or blue eyes and when they look at me I become seduced. Mesmerized by their swagger. Gazing at their perfection. I also like those conservative brunettes. The ones that are goody goodies but are itching to escape their bottled up selves! But I also like blondes because they know how to party and have fun. One of my favorite are the bigger girls who are confident. I'd rather have a bigger girl that will show off and be confident than a skinny girl who thinks she's fat. The best but worst invention were the yoga pants. God damn what torture. Accentuating every curve as if they're painted on. How come a woman can have the most obvious camel toe and nobody says a word but if a man was to wear tight pants with his balls protruding people would call him a pig? Women have all the freedoms and don't even realize it.

Ok I feel better. I just had to vent. I'm a pig I know. You don't have to tell me. After millions of years men crave a female like water after 5 days in the desert. I'm a feen. A wise man once said once a man sees one woman naked he wants to see them all! He'll even take a peek at something hideous if he gets the chance. He won't admit it but it's true.

When I was a kid my mom and her boyfriend used to want to get rid of us. Her boyfriend would drop my brother and I off at the movie theatre. We didn't know but it was an adult theatre. He would buy us the ticket. The first time we went in and as a kid we didn't know any better. So we went to see this movie Hot Dog when I was in 3rd grade. So like 8 years old. The first scene and I can still remember this vividly. The couple walks in to check into a hotel and the lady behind the counter comes in naked. My brother and I looked at each other like what the fuck? So they get their room and instantly they're fucking! I didn't know what that was at the time. So then the next time my mom's boyfriend Paul was playing poker and took us with him. He put the playboy channel on for us. It was this episode where three or four couples started hanging out in the living room and slowly started swapping partners in different bedrooms.

When my mom and her boyfriend would pass out we'd invite the neighbor kids over and sneak beers, cigarettes, and weed into the garage. We didn't know how to smoke. The Budweiser tasted like piss and still does. Don't know how people drink that shit, no offense. So pretty soon I'm in the 4th grade and I think I'm a gangster pimp. I'm roaming the streets of San Bernardino in between Muscoy and California elementary school. Bringing 9 year old girls to our house. We were sick! Add to that I once watched my mother at a park in Hacienda Heights fuck like 5 guys in a van. Well, I wasn't in the van but we could see what was happening. Guys would come out one at a time to take a piss and laugh when they saw my brother, sister, and I. Sick shit! I mean I don't give a fuck that she let guys pull a train on her but fuck lady, with your kids there? Don't judge fuckers, it wasn't my fault. I remember another time across the street from my grandmas house on Folger street in Hacienda Heights she fucked a guy outside the neighbors house. Her and her boyfriend would leave their bedroom door open. Man, I'm actually surprised I'm not some crazy fuck! My mom used to grow pot in our yard and we would drop it off to the guys selling it on the street corners. The she would drop us off at the public pool. Just another day in fuckedupville!

So when I became a testosterone driven teenager I couldn't wait to have some sexual fun. Girls used to only like me as a friend. Instead dating my brother and friends. Telling me stories and how guys are jerks except for me. So everyone thought I was a ladies man but I wasn't getting any. Until the summer of 11th grade. I grew a little and started realizing girls liked attention and to be adulated. Just give them compliments and listen to them talk and they were putty in your hands. Pretty soon I was fucking three or four girls in the same month. One girl Annie asked me if I had just fucked Lisa and I said yes. She started crying and then said that's ok, I just hope you eventually choose me. Then we started making out and it was on! At the same damn time a different Lisa was driving the car and a week later told me I turned her on and she wanted me. It was as if they wanted to fuck the guy they knew was a player. But they wanted to make the nice guy wait. I still don't understand that.

My senior year and 4 years in the Navy was like an audition. I can't remember how many girls i Fucked. I don't remember many all their names. A few I was able to fuck after just a few hours. One girl Heidi from Canada I had sex with after just 2 hours at a party. It was 1995 and I was at a party on a Navy base in Washington. I put on R Kelly 12 play and by the 4th song she was as naked. We were in my friends room and she got startled when people knocked. She coyly said "how did i get naked" like she was innocent. I was more upset that people intruded. We had told everyone we were going to get CDs and they wondered where we were. We gave them the CDs and Heidi asked if we could go to my room. So we did. My roommate was there. But I didn't care because I was insatiable. She was giving me head under the blanket and my roommate turned the light on because he thought I was drunk and needed help. She picjed her head up and he was like "my bad" and i laughed and said no big deal. The next dayI was being stationed in San Diego, CA. Her friends came to my door and gave me Heidi's phone number. I told them I would call her and then left to CA. Even though I had started a relationship with my soon to be wife I felt entitled. Like I was providing a service.

This routine continued into CA and my marriage. I was addicted and couldn't stop. It didn't help that so many women didn't care if I was taken or how many girls I was fucking. It was a sickness. It wasn't until I was in Hawaii and met a girl, I'm trying to remember her name. She was a sweet girl in Hawaii for college. A shipmate and I got a hotel on the beach and they wanted girls to come to the room. Because I was oozing with confidence at the time I got this girl and her friend to come up. Pretty soon her and I are making out until another guy got blacked out drunk and started destroying the room. I tried to talk some sense into him and get him to leave in a taxi. He reached over another guy and punched me in the mouth. He broke two teeth and because I was so superficial and conceded at the time I ran to the bathroom. I actually cried because I was drunk and upset my teeth were broke . Still, the next day I called the girl I was making out with. She picked me up and we hung out. She took me to North Shore and we "made love" on the beach of North Shore. She was an athlete so her hip bone gave me bruises because we went at ot long and hard. The next day she picked me up at the ship and we continued to hang out. I think I even gave her a fake name. The day I was leaving she gave me a little box. I opened it and it was sand from North Shore with a key under it. She told me it was the key to her heart. Instantly I felt shitty about myself. As I got out of the car and she drove away I could see her wiping her tears with her sleeve. What a sweet girl she was. I was a complete dick and didn't deserve a girl so sweet, innocent, and vulnerable. I still dislike myself for that. It was after that I somewhat got a conscience and realized it wasn't a game.

So here I am. I'm 40 and addicted. Except now I'm aware. I know that although women love sex they also desire commitment. When a woman gives up sex they expect your soul. Unless you want to give it to them only have sex with women that are ok with a fair exchange. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Unless you want karma from hell avoid taking advantage of women. But it doesn't mean I can't appreciate them and their beauty. I just can't tell a woman what she wants to hear because I want to enjoy her like an amusement park. Although I want to and they want to it's not worth the heartache they feel. The resentment they will have towards you if you take advantage of them. Their beauty makes me weep with desire but life is easier without them hating you after. Although they just want to fuck too, they're end goal is marriage and you serving them like a jester. So if you have no conscience just tell them what they want to hear and disappear. Or, find the ones that want friends with benefits and be honest with them up front. They'll probably still fuck your brains out but they won't be scorned when you don't marry them. They'll be making some sucker wait to fuck while they still fuck you. They want that guy to believe they're a virgin and never have sex while they leave their date and have a booty call with you. So while some sucker is waiting foe their maiden and buying expensive dinners hoping to finally make love to their princess? She's coming to your place late at night and riding you like a bare back horse escaping a fire. You can bash me if you want. But it's all a game and you'll never really know if these women are real or not. It's their specialty to hold sex like it's a prize. Making you believe your the only one opening the present while someone else has already seen it unwrapped. Instead of admitting they love sex because they were born to breed, they'll act like a princess holding out for their prince charming.

I ain't mad at them, I just wish they'd be honest. While they're calling men pigs and cheats they're just way better at playing the game. I do appreciate them though. With all their beauty and shapes, I just wish I could enjoy a fee hundred more. Because honestly what is more fun in life than some unadulterated passion with no expectations and no worries? We're just carrying on the species like we were designed too. Is it my fault I want to test drive them all like a used car lot? Ok, that was wrong I admit. But I did say I'm a pig.