Look, maybe I'm a whiner. But, I've paid taxes for 24 years and at 40 years old I'm looking at another 27 years until I qualify for social security. For many years I was just happy to be alive and enjoyed the little things. Now, I'm hitting a wall. On top of the towing cost today my other son's car had his water pump go out and my car wouldn't complete smog. It didn't fail just wouldn't pass. My point is that sometimes it feels like everything that can go wrong goes wrong. I feel like I'm a pretty good person, but my karma feels fucked! All of this while trying to start a business also has me stressed out and ready to give up.
As a father of three I feel I've done my job and maybe even too much, which can be a bad thing. I wasn't father of the year but I raised my kids with love. The oldest is 23, middle is 19, and the youngest 17. But, my goals as a father are to send three well adjusted happy and productive adults into the world. Knowing the balance between too much and too little is sometimes a fine line. In some families it's common for children to have a comfortable childhood experience which extends into four years of paid college. Other families it's out to work before they're 18 and college is barely a dream. I wanted to try and get them through college and ready to show passion and enthusiasm in an area they love and have a skill for. Not saddling them with insecurities and anxieties. Allowing them to focus on their goals instead. Without coddling or allowing them to feel entitled. Like it's all owed to them.
I left for boot camp 4 days after I turned 18. I left my aunt and uncles house at 16. They had raised me since I was in 4th grade. I'm one of those kids where college was maybe a dream. When I went to live with my aunt and uncle at 9 years old I hadn't even heard of college. I was already drinking beer, smoking pot, and watching live porn in a communal environment. To be honest, My aunt and uncle deserve awards for making my brother, sister, and I functional adults. I was an angry lost soul when I went to live with them. I believe they kicked my ass in efforts to help me avoid getting arrested. I also believe it took away from what they already had planned for their own two children. I admire them, respect them, and appreciate their sacrifice. I don't even dare think about where I'd be without them. I only brought all of that up to explain some situations are different than others.
While my aunt and uncle who I consider my parents did the best they could they had their own challenges. Taking on three extra children would throw anyone's life into a wobble. I believe they sacrificed their own comfortable lifestyle. Adding the needs of three additional children brought burdens that I didn't realize as a kid. Now, I try to repay them by paying it forward to my children. Remembering the lessons I learned and trying to instill it in them without having to endure sleeping in a car with their brother and sister with no blankets. Having to hold each other to keep warm. Ensuring the basic fundamentals of a home.
Fast forward to today and I miss the good ol days. Although I always had the chance of getting my ass kicked it was nothing compared to having the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. Feeling inadequate for not doing or giving enough. Or coming up short financially. It's a demoralizing feeling. Add to that the sense of impending doom for the rest of society based on what I observe on news outlets. Good thing I know a different reality. But knowing how different I think than others has me discouraged and doubtful. People are feeling the financial squeeze and their actions are proof of that. People are freaking out and making last stands before they eventually just kill themselves. It's not only going to continue to happen but it's going to get worse. I won't even attempt that I have made all great decisions. This isn't a financial lesson, just an overall assessment of our economic situation in America. I'm sure other countries are not surprised. America is a young country and now the luster is off. It's time for it to settle in right next to the rest. No more manifest destiny. A man used to be able to pay the bills for his family with only one paycheck. It now takes two paychecks simply to survive. If i see this already happening how am I supposed to feel excited for the future? Instead, I find myself excited for my exit. Ready to disappear to hopefully a house on a lake where I can live peacefully for the rest of my life without the capitalistic philosophies of today's society.
No comments:
Post a Comment