Cindy Stowell

Every once in a while we get to witness a truly remarkable person. I read this story a few days ago about the passing of Cindy Stowell shortly after she finished appearing on and winning 6 times on Jeopardy! I watched all six episodes that she won and the seventh episode where she comes short of winning. Alex Trebek spoke about her after the seventh episode. The quote is in the attached story. She was incredibly intelligent on many different subjects. She was also amazingly calm during the entire seven episodes. composed and gentle I couldn't believe this woman was dominating Final Jeopardy for 6 episodes like a bad ass boss! Her resolve was compelling and I was instantly enthralled by her. She lived in Austin Texas and at only a year older than I am she was a Science content developer. She never once mentions it on the show and never shows any kind of sadness or emotions. I hope to someday be as strong as Cindy Stowell.
Look at that smile:)



https://www.yahoo.com/tv/alex-trebek-pays-heartbreaking-tribute-143800110.html

Richard Spencer and Alternative Right

Some of what Richard Spencer of Alternative Right says is accurate. I also agree with a couple pieces of it. But, I cannot support his extreme views on color. Personally, I believe it should have more to do with culture than color. Richard Spencer refers to himself as European. Well, just like he says to people of other colors go home. In another part he refers to himself as American. Which is it? America was built by immigrants. The American culture exists because so many immigrants came here to escape the problems with their own countries. To enjoy freedoms not allowed in other countries. Unless you're a native American you're talking about taking over a country your ancestors were allowed to come here to be free. Now, you want to declare that you believe that simply because someone is white they are better than anyone of any other color? I believe in the American Culture and was part of a military that fought for our country to defend it. I am a middle class American who pays 30 percent of my pay to taxes. My kids attend school in Orange County, CA which have amazing schools but also contains the "Orange Curtain". There is a large group of people that are racist. When they see a black person they make jokes or assume negatives about that person. As a half white half brown person I guess I don't see myself the way others see me. I walk into a meeting at an airport where I'm being looked at as the expert in my industry and some people don't like it. That represents immigrants taking over the country to them. So in a way I can't fault someone like Richard Spencer for hating because of that naive feeling. The problem is that I represent exactly what he should be embracing. Instead, he spits out some idealistic rhetoric about how whites conquered this country and thus have the right to define what it's about. This is the exact reason why people say Richard Spencer is merely a 5 minute of fame type of individual we see constantly. Look, bring it Spencer. If you think you and your low IQ white supremacists will overtake a country full of a race that supports Land of the free and home of the brave I dare you to try. I'm a peaceful man that just wants to love and create more love. I truly do believe love is the answer. While I still struggle to feel love all day every day I still believe it's the answer. Things like Pride are the anti-love.

Spencer creates division among a race. He talks about the white race but if he spent just a few minutes learning about the facts he'd realize there is only 1 race. That's the human race. Color is not a race. Color is a pigment created by where your ancestors lived their lives. When people first migrated from Africa many went to Europe. Well, many parts of Europe have little sun and therefore many of it's residents have pale colored skin that evolved with it's environment. While people that stayed in Africa where it's mostly sunny remained dark to adapt to the climate in that country. When you visit a country you can simply look at it's climate and then at the people and instantly understand why they are the color they are. That's it! That's as deep as color goes. Instead of color Richard Spencer should look at culture. He's correct that many people maybe should look to a location that shares their culture. But to think that color automatically makes someone superior to another color? That is absolutely lunacy and to me shows how naive and uncultured someone is. Let's say a person if from a small town with no black people. Well, now they have no interaction so anything they hear becomes fact to them. But if you actually take the time to learn about people in different places you'll learn there are wonderful people in every color. Stay with me please. I know I run on and on but I have a point. Let's say you have a neighborhood in California for example. A white family and black family live next door to each other for 3 generations. Don't you think that those families will be similar after 3 generations? There may be some distinctions that remain in their families through culture. But, after attending the same schools and society they'll probably share many similarities. That's why I say that people like Richard Spencer are a problem for society not a solution. I've researched him and looked at his background. He's educated and speaks articulately. But he's completely loony when it comes to his goals.

Spencer wants to have all colors simply go back to their original countries. Unless it's white European. White Europeans he says should be allowed to live with their own color here in the United States. How in any kind of reality does that make any sense? I respect his opinion and he's allowed to have any opinion he wants. That's the difference between me and others. I believe people should be allowed to feel how they want. Instead, our society believes in political correctness. That means that you can feel however you want as long as you don't tell anyone about it. Unless how you feel is acceptable to political correctness. Then, you're good to go. But what if you just don't believe that a man should identify as a woman? Well, these days you better not say that at work or in any public environment unless you want fury unleashed on you be all the politically correct police. I believe that people should be allowed to not agree. Doesn't mean that it's right just that they have the freedom to feel however they want. I cannot identify with someone who was born a woman but identifies with being a man but I can definitely empathize with them. While it might not make sense to me I can only imagine the persecution and hate a person must endure for identifying that way. But why should anyone else care what that individual does? Why should I have the right to care what happens in that person's personal life? If everyone had the same opinion then where would free thinking and creativity go? Instead, I should be able to listen to Richard Spencer's opinion on white supremacy and then intelligently respond with my disagreements. If I am not educated enough to speak on it then I should let someone else who is respond. Too many times we also have opinions when we either do not know the facts or where we don't know enough to have an opinion. In color I believe I have some education in the matter. As an only child between my mother and father I have a white half brother and a half black sister. I am half brown. I only say brown because I do not know my father and his name is not on my birth certificate. I think he's Mexican but I don't know that. My mother is originally of Scottish descent and is a white girl that was born in Texas and grew up in California.

I have also lived with many colors throughout my life. I was born in Pomona and lived there between 5th grade and 7th grade. I lived in Hacienda heights from birth to second grade. I lived in San Bernardino from 2nd grade to 4th grade. Whittier for a summer before 5th grade and then Phelan from 7th grade to high school graduation. During that time I had to run home from both Crips and Bloods in Pomona, Cholos in Whittier, while also trying to stand up for myself against them and racist white people. At no time though after experiencing all this did I ever consider disliking any color because of a few bad people. I remember a black girl that I liked in 5th grade named Anissa Hill. Her mother and father both had good careers. They had more money than my family did. Yet, my uncle who was basically my dad told me that he better never see me walking next to a "nigger" again. It changed my life forever. Until then I don't think I had ever really seen racism. I remember how sweet and innocent Anissa Hill was. To automatically assume she is no good because of her color hurt my mind. I believe I have a lot of experience with hate, racism, poverty, and segregation to give a solid opinion of it's affects. I can only imagine how my sister Michelle feels about it. As a half black half white girl she endured much worse than I ever did. After my dad saying the N word I actually turned to my sister and wondered what she felt about what she just heard. But I knew better than to ask her where he could hear. But I can tell you that I had to fight many people that disrespected my sister with race hating words. At no time did it cause me to assume all white people were racist and filled with hate. But as an American I know I have biases and hate towards people that I assume are the same as someone I encountered negatively. It's ok to have the feelings but without us being able to talk it out how are we supposed to learn?

I agree with Richard Spencer about the one sided nature of racism. If black and brown can have pride why not white? Why should you not be able to be proud of your color without being racist. While I believe pride is one of the problems with many things I also believe in freedom of expression. Be proud if that's important to you. But don't hate. I have no pride in my color. I try not to have any pride at all. I try to embrace humility and love. My color does not define me although it might have some things to do with my personality. For example: I was raised mostly by white people. We ate American type food but dang it if I don't instinctively want to mix everything and put it in a burrito. I love tacos! Should I be ashamed of that? No, but I have black friends that will never be seen with a watermelon, grape kool aid, or fried chicken just to avoid the stereotype. I don't really care. I'll put a lawnmower in my truck and munch on some tamales like a Boss! If people want to judge me go for it. I'd prefer they actually said it to my face. But instead our society believes in smiling in your face and talking negatively behind your back. Anyways, I just wanted to vent about how I believe people like Richard Spencer are misguided but in some ways I can understand why they are.

The media

At 40 years old I have a completely different perspective than I did when I was 20. I believe I am only starting to truly learn the power of media. I used to eat up the information being fed to me. Now, I do my own research and compare the information being reported by multiple sources.

I've found that the news changes based on the media outlet reporting the situation. It really became apparent during the 2016 Presidential election. CNN, MSNBC, FOX, all have different perspectives. In my opinion instead of telling people how they should think, they should instead report data. Let the people interpret the information themselves. It is obvious that CNN is heavily Democrat while Fox is Republican. The hosts for each of these networks were hired because they share the vision of the people that run each network.

Why immigration does not work from some countries

Although people associate race with their disdain for other people. It's actually a very shallow view of discrimination. The real factor people should look at is culture.

The reason I don't approve of bringing in hundreds of thousand people from Syria is culture. I know many people of different colors that actually have the same culture while I know many of the same color that do not have the same culture. I have Muslim neighbors from Iran who are respectful and peaceful people. I can hear their Muslim prayers from my house as I recognize it from my time in the Middle East. But while they are Muslim they also enjoy American culture. They love American movies and spend much of their free time tending their beautiful yard that is full of fruit trees and gardens. I admire their love for fresh fruit and aesthetically pleasing work they've done to their yard. The husband Sam is a handy man and him and I have spoke many times. I've helped him carry things in from his car including an aquarium. He shares his pomegranates with me. I have enjoyed our interaction. While his wife is very quiet she is extremely pleasant and leaves every morning to what I assume is work.

There are other people from the Middle East that I don't get along with. These are individuals who do not approve our Western culture. They are often not very nice and openly criticize us and laugh while speaking their languages to each other. They only associate and speak to their own culture and people while distancing and avoiding interaction with Americans. They also make little effort to learn the language even though they expect to stay in America long term. While I don't expect people visiting America to necessarily learn the language I do if someone expects to live here. If I intended to move permanently to another country I would definitely do my best to learn their language. I would assimilate.

As a country why would we want people who disapprove of our culture and don't like us to come here permanently?

How anyone could want hundreds of thousands of people from Syria to come to America without knowing first if they fit in here is surprising to me. They'd be better off finding a place somewhere where they would be comfortable and happy. The gray area here is that there are different cultures that can fit in peacefully without problems. But to let thousands of people in mass in is a mistake in my opinion. It only creates more tension internally in our country than already exists. It also strains current social programs that are already on the verge of collapse. They take money from social security which I have paid into for over 30 years to give to those programs. Leaving me without the program that I have paid into with over 30 years of hard work.

I'm of Mexican descent. For hundreds of years people from Mexico have been coming to America from Mexico. For many generations they felt privileged to come to a country with so many freedoms. When I was a boy the older generation would encourage the younger generation to speak english and assimilate. Although there is a problem in the US with many Mexican immigrants abusing social programs by having more kids than they can afford in order to receive more money from these social programs. US citizens who have been in this country for many generations continue to do the same thing. I blame the system mostly for this problem not the people abusing it. But as a whole I have not found that these cultures of people hate Americans and everything we believe in. They don't threaten to destroy us and bomb our people by claiming their religion tells them to do it.

I blame this on political correctness. Instead of people speaking how they feel and think they say what they what they think others will want them to feel and say. Media and extreme liberal views convince them to endorse this mass immigration without ever looking deeply into the results of this experiment. There is nothing wrong in my opinion with disagreeing with allowing this to happen. Eventually it'll create an internal civil war which is probably the plan of many that support this. While many are right now thinking I am paranoid we are already witnessing many violent events by people who currently live in America. Some who were born here. While there are examples of Americans with no affiliation to these cultures also committing these acts they are few compared to those claiming to do it because of their culture. I could easily argue that out of hundreds of thousands of people at least a few from a place that widely hate our country will not only empathize but attempt to carry out violence against our people.

In a country that already has issues with violence why would some of government so strongly support bringing in hundreds of thousands of people with no questions asked? While many in our country blindly support this plan missions more oppose it. Many will blindly say that many of us are racist and oppose immigration this is simply not the case. Many people have already been affected by violence at the hands of these haters and you can't blame them for opposing these plans. Others fear what could happen not because we oppose immigration but because we oppose the forced acceptance of more people that hate us into this country. I will always support immigration by those with cultures who want to live peacefully with our freedoms I will never support allowing people into this country who hate our culture and want to replace our culture with their own. If their culture and countries are so great, then they should stay there or return to their country. If not adapt and support the cultures that live peacefully in such a wonderful free country.

Why it's not right for millennials to riot because Donald Trump won but protesting is a right

I don't understand the current situation in America. I can understand protesting if something happens that is against humanity. But when a candidate other than yours wins in a democracy and you riot? All you're doing is saying that you do not agree with democracy. Sure, I've had questions of whether the system or voting is rigged. But when I sat there Tuesday watching the election results I realized how close the vote was. It showed me that I was not crazy. For months I was being told by the media that Hillary Clinton was going to win easily against Donald Trump. I couldn't understand that. How could people vote for someone so corrupt? But I was prepared to accept it. I wouldn't have been happy but as an American all I ask is that it is fair, just, and democratic. What Hillary supporters have shown since the winner was announced is that they are willing to accept the results as long as it's their candidate that wins. I heard over and over from democrat leaders that when Hillary won all Trump supporters should accept it and then all come together. But when it ended up being the opposite those same people didn't accept it. 

My biggest problem with many of these people is that they don't really do any research into why they're voting for Hillary Clinton. They listen to her speak and see her smile and they take it at face value. They don't accept that she has done many things that are not in the best interest of America. But even with that I would have accepted if she would have won. I would have peacefully explained why I didn't agree and I would have learned as much as possible about future candidates from both parties that I could vote for. I would not riot or protest. The same people rioting would mostly run and hide if there was a war or revolution in this country. They don't understand the sacrifice that was made for the freedoms that they have. I heard one girl say that people have to die to change things. That's not true. With the sources of communication we have there are other options. We can all agree on many things that need to be done. It can be done peacefully. These young kids have no idea what they're asking for. They have never seen war. They have no idea how it is in countries where it is actually unfair. Or places that are at war. I have been in the military and in many countries that have no freedoms. Many countries where women are treated less than men are. In America women have all the freedoms men do. 

I'm not a Republican and I'm not a Democrat. I voted for George Bush in 2000 and I voted for Obama in 2008. I'm not saying I was right and in many ways I was not smart enough and still am not wise enough to know the right answer. Voting for Donald Trump could end up being a mistake. But I do know that he identified some major problems in this country. He spoke about people losing jobs in the rust belt. Deductibles and premiums skyrocketing for many of us. The irresponsibility of bringing in hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees into this country without knowing who they are or their feelings about America. Fixing the problems with our borders. All of these things spoke to not just me but millions of Americans. I'm not a white man. The statements being made that this is "whitelash" for a black president is so unfair. I don't believe Hillary's message resonated with as many people along with them not being able to trust her. Those things hurt her as much as anything. It's possible that Trump will not work out. That's as much my fault as anyone elses. We all spend too much time watching Netflix and playing video games and too little time paying attention to things that matter. Most of us don't spend enough time researching and learning as much as possible about these candidates and then complain when things get worse. 

 Unfortunately for Hillary Clinton she only has herself to blame. Hillary has never had the best interest of America in mind when she does business. The fact that she had an email server is not the important part. It's what the emails revealed. It revealed her pay to play methods. It revealed that she was attempting to negotiate with the FBI to unclassify her emails in exchange for staffing in different places. Once Benghazi happened she ordered all emails, devices, etc destroyed. Then, she lied and tried to say she never heard anything about Benghazi. Her staff pleaded the 5th. Chelsea used the Clinton foundation as her personal checking account to pay for her wedding. At what point do these types of things disqualify someone from becoming President? It had nothing to do with Clinton being a woman or white men. I'm not a white man. The Clinton campaign worked hard to uncover dirt on Trump. All they found was one video from over ten years ago where he made improper comments about women. I don't condone it but I will admit that I have made similar comments as have many people I have known. Especially in my younger years.

Let me also say that I am no fan of Trump. Actually quite the opposite. I do not like Trump. I feel he's a trust fund baby. But when he talked about what he wanted to do as President it spoke to me and millions of others. Heavily flawed just like the other candidate I don't pretend that he is perfect. If he would have lost I would have accepted it. I would have worked harder to find the correct candidate to vote for next time and learned. I would have never been so arrogant to think that because my candidate didn't win that I deserved to riot and refuse to accept the results of an election. A process that has worked for hundreds of years. These children protesting have no idea what they're doing. They do not have the experience or knowledge to make a decision to protest or riot. 

Another day another shooting

Tulsa Oklahoma police officer Betty Shelby was arrested for manslaughter after shooting Terence Crutcher.


This is another situation in which there is video taken of the incident. Not one but actually multiple. I find it amazing that we can all watch a video of a situation and so many different views of what happened. I watch it and in the helicopter video I cannot hear anything so technically I don't know if the police are telling him to freeze or stop moving. They obviously told him to put his hands up because he has them up most of the time. There is also a police video but it's from behind the officer that shoots Terence so you can't really see what's going on. I also could not completely hear what's going on. So for me there is no way for me to know exactly what happened. What I do know is that Terence takes his hands down and appears to reach into the vehicle.

The officer has stated that she told him to stop and he not only didn't stop but didn't answer her questions. If she told him to freeze and put his hands up then why did he not listen? I've heard his sister speaking out about this and how he's a respectable man. About how the guy in the helicopter can be heard saying he looks like a bad man and that it looks like he's on something. She also talked about how the cops had no good reason to make him put his hands in the air in the first place. My opinion is that none of that matters when deciding whether the officer had cause to shoot him. It doesn't matter who he is as an individual or whether the guy in the helicopter was profiling. None of that matters in respects to the shooting. The helicopter pilot can be accused of making inappropriate comments. But that is completely separate from the shooting.

All I need to know for the shooting is whether officer Shelby's training reinforces her actions. We as civilians have no idea what it's like in a moment like that. I do know that people should listen to the commands given by police whether they think they deserve it or not. If they disagree they can file a report. Eventually, if enough people complain about an officer they'll be disciplined. That's our system we created we have to follow it. Or fix it as a society. But going with the facts it sure looks like Terence Crutcher disobeyed commands to stop, answer questions, keep his hands up, etc. Just because there was no gun found at the scene does not mean there was not a threat that he did have one. To me it doesn't matter if he's black or white.



At one point he can be clearly seen taking his hand down and reaching into the car. At that point how is an officer supposed to know what he's reaching for? People are also saying she should have tased him instead. When you're in a moment of wondering if someone is going to pull out an AR15 and start shooting I don't know if the mind of some people works fast enough to choose. I also don't specifically know what her training says. I do know that if I had several police pointing guns at me and they told me to freeze and put my hands in the air? You better believe I'm going to stand as still as possible and keep my hands in the air as high as possible. You tell me to jump I'm going to say how high? If they shoot me the video is no doubt going to show they acted inappropriately. By disobeying multiple commands it gives benefit of the doubt as to whether the officer was acting inappropriately. Nothing anyone else said or did matters when discussing the actual shooting. Are some cops racist, yes. Are they all, no.

I feel horrible for Terence's family, I also feel horrible for Betty Shelby. If it turns out she is a bad person then I won't feel as horrible for whatever happens to her. That's a sinister thought though isn't it? Assuming that she is a racist killer instead of looking objectively and realizing the situation got out of hand? That sounds like a dark place to me. I hope an organization wouldn't hire someone that believes a black man deserves less justice and equality than a white man. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but as a whole I hope that we are way more mature than that as a society. Terence should have followed orders like we all have to do sometimes. I'm not judging him just pointing out that people are rushing to judgement but the simple fact is that with guns pointed at him he continued to disobey orders. Yes, I wish there was a way for them to have tased him instead. But, for people to just align this with all other shootings by cops of black individuals is gross negligence. Whether the man was white or black he still put himself in the situation by continuing to walk to his vehicle, then taking his hands down, and also appearing to reach into the vehicle. I just ask people to respect the police and do as your told. Don't challenge them while they have guns pointed at you. Your life is too valuable and expecting another human to perform brilliantly in the moment of stress and crisis is outside of your control. Instead keep yourself alive to go home to your family. Death is way more serious than profiling, racism, lack of sympathy/empathy. Live to fight another day. After this was done he could have sued and forced changes for things like media in helicopters making rash judgments about whether someone is a bad person or on drugs. Put focus on whether the police had the right to stop him or pull guns on him. Instead, we're discussing another situation where no matter what your opinion is. There is no clear fault in this situation. Only another person not going home to their family and another police officer facing charges as well as living the rest of her life knowing she killed a man.

Here is a link to the story

http://abcnews.go.com/US/tulsa-police-officer-shares-side-story-terence-crutchers/story?id=42243843

How I feel turning 40

I often reflect. It gives me perspective of where I've been and where I'm going. Although I do not dwell on the past I often become depressed in the moment. I'm consistently a positive thinking person, but I think I tend to write more when I'm down. I think it's because I prefer to talk about the positive things where as people don't like to focus on the negatives. They're uncomfortable talking about anything people might construe as not politically correct or happy thoughts. But as I turned 40 on September 2nd I've done a lot of thinking about where I've been and where I'm going.

First, let me state that I've accomplished more than I ever hoped to in life. As a poor kid from the streets of Southern California I see now that my goals were small and my expectations tempered. At 17 years old I thought that I would be content with 65,000 dollars a year salary with no thoughts of a family. While already exceeding that salary and also having a family I feel that my life has already peaked. Is this my mind once again aiming too low? With my youngest child nearly 17 years old I'm nearing the end of my era of kids. Although parenting never ends I believe in treating them like adults, especially once they turn 18. I feel that if you are open with kids and put more of the responsibility of their future on them, they adapt to the responsibilities. I have no special formula for raising kids but I do believe that with trust, love, and honesty you can gain their confidence, loyalty, and trust. I also don't put any expectations on them as far as careers and making money. I simply have stressed to them the importance of finding happiness and peace.

As a child I remember my parents telling me to become a doctor or a lawyer because that's where the money is. But for a person who can't even watch surgeries on tv shows and can't stand ruthless people those careers were out of the question. Instead, I went for what I had a knack for that also pays well. Computers were something I already spent many hours around so why not make it a career. It's also not a career where your body breaks down doing it. Although I should have taken into consideration the damage it has done to my eyes. Like they say though hindsight's 20/20. As a computer guy I've enjoyed some success and some frustration. Although the work is not physically strenuous in my career it is strenuous on the nerves. I've been responsible for every door and camera working at an airport and government but to me the money doesn't reflect that kind of risk. I've had directors of airports breathing down my neck while our sales guy sat and chatted about golf at the same time. But I can think of many worse careers so overall I am satisfied with my career choice. My other choices were to stay in and retire from the Navy, fireman, restaurant manager, or banker.

With my kids I have allowed them to envision their own futures and embrace the passions that they feel. My 22 year old daughter was fairly easy. Although I did not see her married and having a child by the age of 22 I did see her as either an English teacher or a nurse. Now that she is a medical assistant going to school for her nursing degree I feel I was close. My 18 year old starts school at UC Irvine on September 22nd and is currently slotted for either business management or business economics. Since he excels in math and passed the AP Calculus test in high school I felt that he should incorporate his passion of sports into what he excels at. I don't know if he'll integrate sports into his career or if he'll change his mind about his major. I do know that he is a confident young man who is also a good person. I have confidence he'll continue to think things through and be happy at whatever it is he decides. My 16 year old is the final piece of the puzzle. He is the most gifted of my three kids although he doesn't always work at it. He also has a heart of gold and warms my heart with the way he treats others. With a passion for writing and theatre he also excels in science. He was just awarded the lead role in the fall high school play and he constantly reads and writes. I can see him as someone who performs on broadway or becomes an english teacher who also works to become a successful published author. Whether they achieve these goals I am very excited for each of their futures and honestly could not be any happier with the individuals they have become.

For me, I hate to sound negative but I feel I've had my better days. I no longer have the perception that the world is a wonderful place or that you can achieve whatever you want through hard work and dedication. There are gray areas that surround us and sometimes you also need luck and help. As a kid who moved out of the house before I turned 17 I came from humble beginnings. Often sleeping in places like a car at a lake or unknown apartments. I learned very early how to look out for myself as well as my brother and sister. I've witnessed too much violence and started my adult life off with too much anger. As I see many people around me receive support from their families I have very little family. Although I reconnected with my mother in 2013 I never saw her again after 1989. She left us when I was in fourth grade and I also have never met my father. I often look at others who had seemingly normal childhoods with jealousy and envy. People who could reach out and borrow some money or if needed move back into their parents house. Instead, I've had to pay rent like clockwork since I was 16. I'm so tired sometimes. But I prefer not to ask for it to be any other way. In life you better be careful what you ask for. Instead I take my lessons and try to learn from them. Although I started raw and naive of the business life I learn as I go. When I feel a defeat I learn from it and come back stronger and more determined. I resist the urge to resent people and I work to stay humble. I feel I'm no better than anyone else because I have no idea what each person has gone through. I also try to become a better person each day. I have inner demons like anyone else and I fight to suppress them or extinguish them and I refuse to give up. Although they call 40 mid life I have no fantasy about reaching 80 years old. The oldest person in my family was my mother who lived to be 64. I was happy that her and I were able to make peace before she passed. But at no point did I try to bring up memories from the past that were not pleasant. Instead, I focused on the good times wanting my mother to know that the important thing was I am happy and that I hold no anger towards her for my childhood. I still miss her every day.

I also have an opportunity coming that can change the course of my family forever. When my daughter turned 19 she moved into her uncle's house. Her and her mom did not see eye to eye and while her mother was on vacation in Colorado she moved her stuff out. But now, my daughter, her husband, and their two kids (he already had a son when they met) are going to move into our house to save money. It'll also give my wife and I a chance to save money and pay off some debt. It won't be easy and some lessons will be learned. I've been thinking long and hard of ways to make this successful as well as doing what I can to prevent failure. I will go into this open minded and amendable. I look forward to the opportunity and look forward to the opportunity to watch the family grow and bond together. To help ensure this happens I have quit drinking again. My wife has agreed to as well. I hope that we can all share memories while making things easier for each other. While there is no guarantee it'll all go smooth I do believe it'll turn out the way it was meant to. I hope I'm mature enough to lead this family even if someone doesn't follow. As well as being open to learning new lessons. But most importantly continuing to grow into a man and person that my family can rely on and look up too. Because although I believe my best days are behind me I will continue to grow and live. I could surprise myself and once again achieve more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. I do know that even if I die tomorrow and although I do have regrets I work not to dwell on them. I continue to believe that I've enjoyed more success in ways that cannot be measured and have lived a blessed life. If it all ends I want my loved ones to not be sad. I just hope that I'll be remembered as someone who helped his family reach new levels of happiness that they didn't think was possible. I want to provide them love, comfort, and stability. Pushing future generations to new heights never imagined by previous generations. Oh, and I also hope to enjoy the rest of my life. Maybe play a little golf, laugh, love, and most importantly find the answers to what my purpose is on this earth. Or to hopefully find out at the end of my journey that I accomplished what I was here for. That it was a plan that I carried out in spite of all the odds and challenges because above all I'm happy to be a survivor.

I can barely support our system

I'm so tired of watching the individuals who are supposed to be our leaders failing miserable at being leaders. Millions of people are about to vote for President of the United States of America. Millions will vote for Hillary Clinton. This is not an attack on Hillary Clinton. This is simply a comparison about the rules us normal people have to follow and then the special privileges our elite politicians follow. A US Navy Seal Matt Bissonnette wrote a book about the raid by Seal Team 6 on the Bin Laden compound in Pakistan. The United States sued him for the royalties of the book saying that he had signed a non disclosure agreement. Do politicians not sign these same agreements?

Look, I won't get political because I know everyone has their affiliation. Nobody listens to the specific situation they just dive into their camp and back up their political camp. I have no camp. If I had to choose today I'd pick Donald Trump. I don't like him personally but to have Hillary as the alternative is to me against my principals. That's my personal opinion. But what I've found is that what used to be civil servants are now an elite monarchy. They declare what is best for us and make it law yet they do not follow the same rules. Congress doesn't have the same retirement, medical, etc. It's not good enough for them so they made their own. But for us peasants? They don't really care. They might say they do but they don't.

So for me to hear about this guy Matt getting sued by the US after Obama was so eager to take credit for the Bin Laden raid that he threw all of Seal Team 6 under the bus the night of the raid. All anyone had to do was look at who was in Seal Team 6 and know who killed Bin Laden. Completely outing every member to any Osama Bin Laden sympathizer out there. Not one of those people apologized or accepted responsibility for the outing. They all laughed and yucked up the attention. Then, as soon as something bad happened they avoid any responsibility. Typical of the selfish politically correct rulers that are in power. Pretending to care about you without really giving a damn. But so many puppets and zombies eat it up. They love the establishment. They listen to the media that is owned by the people who run this country. We're in so much trouble.

As a former member of the US Navy who was on the USS Carl Vinson (which dumped Bin Laden in the ocean) and USS Rushmore who has spent over 18 months out at sea I feel I should be allowed to at least have an opinion. I better watch it or they'll sue me.

Anyways, no more woe is me cause nobody is listening anyways. People will just keep working and working until it affects them and they can't live anymore. Until then they'll just continue to say the economy is great like the media tells them. 

Here is a link to the story.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/20/us/bin-laden-book-seal-team-6.html?_r=0

I was a Dick today

And it got things accomplished. I'm usually the last person that acts that way. The only pride I have really is in treating people the way I hope to be treated and my kids. And by being a dick I was abrasive to a few people. I'm not proud of it but it got the job done.

I might ramble if I do I apologize I'm sure I'll have a point. If not just close this and ignore it. As a Virgo I feel like I avoid confrontation. I'm sure there are other factors in my disdain for calling people out. I know more about some things than many other people. Yet, some people will tell me I'm wrong and argue it when I know I'm right. To the point where they'll fact check and see I'm right. So, many times I just avoid it. I'd rather sit in my moment of bliss than to get my heart rate up proving something that doesn't matter. But when it comes to either work or my family I get so passionate and fired up!

I might avoid confrontation but many people thrive in it. In fact I could argue that the people that embrace confrontation tend to be allowed to lead. I've had many bosses who are only good at motivating people. Whether it be positive or negative they motivate. I worked for a company where the highest rated tech got a raise, middle techs got no raise, and lowest rated tech was fired. It created this ridiculous competition between coworkers that should not exist in a true team environment. But for a while it got results.

What happened to me today was nothing like that. I like to work with self motivated passionate people who want to build our company like as if it was their own. I have problems when I work with someone who does not put one more bit of effort into their job than they have to. Problem with that is you can't build a business with that attitude. I needed some equipment to ship out today and it wasn't going to ship because of some issues with the customers credit. While I understand the company has to get paid it was nothing bad enough to stop the deal. This customer and this specific purchase are an important step for the relationship. For only 18 thousand dollars it's not going to make or brake the company. That wasn't the upsetting part, for me it was paperwork that had to be done holding up the situation. When I work until late in the night getting a sale that would have gone to a competitor it hurts to see my work possibly go up in flames.

So yeah, I was a dick today. But it's because I was a dick that my bosses got involved and approved the shipment which I knew they would do anyways so they should have just shipped it. I'm not proud of being a dick today and I don't want to be in the future. Right now I feel crappy about myself and I've already been doing that too much. I'm working on being able to hear any type of news in the world and still stay calm and emotionless. Unfortunately I am far from that goal.

Stupid people

There are some people that I will never like. The people that drive slow in the fast lane for one. Or the people that get out of the carpool lane right before their exit. They then come to a complete stop as they maneuver across the freeway. Or how about the people that speed up when you put your blinker on? But people that dislike police because a few of them are bad. Those people are stupid! Below is a link to a story where a restaurant owner asked police to not eat at his restaurant any more.

I know many people put themselves in a bubble to escape reality. They avoid politics even though elections are in less than 4 months, and they play little computer games to pretend things are not eroding around them. I understand that and can appreciate it. But, for those silly and naive people that think that police are all bad? I feel sorry for them. Do not judge the masses because of a few bad apples.

Police protect people around this country every day. Lay their lives on the line for not that great of pay. Many just because they enjoy protecting people. Yet people let the media tell them what reality is instead of experiencing it for themselves. The media loves to sensationalize things because of ratings. Stories about all the examples of police rescuing people out there don't sell like the negatives one do. But STUPID people like this restaurant owner are why we can't all figure things out. This guy should take his Chinese restaurant to another country where there are no police or infrastructure, I dare you. I freaking love this country and what it stands for. If you even come close to believing there should be no police? Get out of my life because I have no idea what you're thinking. It's the same mentality as those that hate people based on color, gender, religion, etc without knowing the individual. Get a grip haters, most of you are too cowardly to protect yourselves so you might want to support your local police department.


https://www.yahoo.com/news/police-officers-asked-stop-dining-154928069.html

Are we on a downward spiral?

This post isn't for everyone but I've noticed over the years how people have become more angry and bitter. I first noticed it in New York and slowly to California. When I visit places like Scotland, Canada, Australia, and even Arkansas I notice that a bigger percentage of people are more genuine and cordial. I'm not saying it causes more violence in the US but it doesn't help. When I go through customs in these other places I'm treated like a person. When I go through customs in New York or New Jersey I'm yelled at and treated like cattle. So I smile and joke with them. I've even been sent through extra security for telling a TSA agent that she needed an attitude adjustment and made to miss a flight by customs because I'm a smart ass to rude people.

I definitely still get angry but I realize it soon and I check myself (or My family checks me). Most people that know me can attest I'm generally a class clown jokester. But one thing that pushes my buttons is someone treating someone else badly. From personal experience as a young kid being that angry person I know for a fact it will only hurt you. I didn't tell my wife happy anniversary on Facebook on June 7th like many of you do. We first met in August of 1995. But I do credit her and appreciate her for helping me see that love is the most powerful aspect of life. Even though we've had tough times, I have 3 wonderful young adults because of her. I also wouldn't be the person I am happy to be today without her.

Be the reason someone else has a good day by just showing some genuine kindness. I've decided I have to speak up even though I'm generally insecure and afraid of what people think. I have to ignore my own self doubt and realize there are people out there like me that wear their heart on their sleeve and are a bit different.

Also, not many of you are still reading this, but if you are you know I love you. Stay strong and may we find a way to fix the downward spiral were on as a species. It's on us as a whole and we can't depend on the Donald Trumps or Hillary Clintons to fix it for us.

I can't stand BET!

Speeches like Jesse Williams at the BET awards last night is what I believe sets us back as a species. Another rich person trying to tell others that he's fighting the fight? What fight? It's similar to Hillary Clinton giving a speech on inequality while wearing a 14k dollar Armani suit. First, I loathe BET. If black people want to be equal then they should be happy being equal. Instead, they want what nobody else is allowed to have. A channel and awards show only celebrating black people. Wait, where are Will and Jada Smith at? Why aren't they complaining that no white people were nominated for any awards last night?


Jesse Williams trying to compare himself and others today to "branded slaves" is laughable. Look, there are many examples of racism today. We all share the same struggle though. We all struggle, I don't care what color you are. There are impoverished white people just like there are black people. But, if you're telling yourself that someone else is keeping you down? Then you're keeping yourself down. You are responsible for getting yourself out of your situation and into an environment that will help you thrive. But to try and believe that people like Jesse Williams and Hillary Clinton really care about your struggles? That's just foolish. They just want to feel better about themselves and the fact that they no longer live the struggle. By falsly inserting themselves into the conversation it even enpowers them to feel as though they're a leader in getting people out of the struggle.

Complexity of parenting

I'm a weird parent. Many people have either questioned or wondered about my parenting methods. I'm not claiming to be a great parent or that I'll ever win some sort of award for parenting. But, I do believe I am on to something with some of my methods.

We'll focus on the positives before getting to the negatives. The biggest item is responsibility. If you have a child that is hungry to learn, feed them! In America especially, we coddle young children when they're at their toughest. Young people are very resilient, yet we don't allow them to push themselves in multiple areas. My daughter started doing her own laundry at 6 years old. She said she wanted to learn, so I taught her. We never did her laundry again. She might be tired of doing it now that's she's 22, but she does it!

The other biggest thing is being honest with them. Even with your faults. Who should they learn from more than you? Sometimes kids learn most about what not to do by watching you fail at it. If you say don't do this but you do it that's one thing. But if they live the struggle with you they might have a different perspective. Instead of keeping them away be honest with them on the specifics of how you became addicted or whatever the situation is. I am not afraid to confess my shortcomings to my kids. I'm not quite an open book, but they see things to help them learn. My bank account is an example of what most parents don't share with their children. My parents never shared their struggles with me. As I got older My respect grew but through trial and error. I wish they would have vented about their stresses. We would have learned through them!

The last thing is multi-faceted. In addition to being real with them, love them! That means hugging and saying I love you. You'd be surprised at how much this part helps.

That's really to me the most important things to consider with raising children. I'm not in the clear, and that's what you'll learn as a parent. Parenting is never done. If you want to be a role model? You'll never be done. I plan to always being there for my kids like my parents have been. Well, my dad passed away 6 years ago, but he embodied these fundamentals. I hope to learn more soon as well. In 2016 have a 22 year old, 18 year old, and a 16 year old.

I lasted 3 months

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is disappointment in myself and I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. My wife is a close second and my apologies for that jab. Maybe I'm feeling irritable lately. But mostly I'm just upset with myself. I'm so easily distracted it's frustrating. It's hard not to get distracted though. I have a daughter that just had a baby and a son that starts at a UC in the Fall. I have no idea how we're going to pay 23,000 dollars a year but I'm not going to let that keep him from going. He is guaranteed to graduate with over a 4.0 and has worked very hard to get accepted. I try to stay focused and handle my business but I get distracted. It's my adhd and I'm not a great multi-tasker. I feel that if you are doing 2 things at once then you are only doing each at 50%. I prefer to focus on one thing. Anyways, I digress...


I lasted 3 months without drinking. I didn't stop because of any reason besides health. For 3 months I felt level and didn't have to worry about waking up feeling crappy because i drank the night before. I tried my best not to make it a big deal but at times it was. When people ask you if you would like a drink and you decline they get curious. When you tell someone you stopped drinking they instantly want to know the reason. Now all of a sudden it's a topic. There were numerous people that felt Awkward hanging out because of me not drinking. I feel like I can hang without alcohol but maybe I'm not as fun? I'm not much fun these days anyways. I mean I can tell a few jokes and I enjoy my days but my life is so damn serious these days. So after having 2 beers with the wife one night before I left for a week on a business trip I went downhill. The Friday after that I had 3 Stone Delicious IPAs (gluten free) and a couple shots. The following week I drank Thursday and Friday. Now, here we are the following Friday and my wife is already asking me to get her some Guinness and shots.


It all makes me so disappointed in myself. I was so focused on my goal of getting healthier and even getting under 200 pounds by my 40th birthday. Here it is late April and I'd have to go to some sort of boot camp to achieve my goal. I should only write about rainbows and butterflies. Or whatever people would want to read. Instead I try to be real and sometimes that's fucking depressing. Most of the time I promise I'm smiling and just thankful to be in the game. These last few weeks I've been really questioning many things. I seriously should just be happy and not complain. I truly am lucky. But until I wake the fuck up and get my act together I'm going to keep kicking my ass. And that's the part that I'm trying to figure out. Should I just ignore my conscience and just enjoy life and indulge? Or should I be strong and do what I have to do to stay healthy? Seems like a fucking no brainer.

Passion is contagious

Passion is something we all need to strive. Without it our lives lack meaning. We can have purpose. But purpose alone does not fulfill us. We have to be passionate about our purpose. With so many people having issues with others that have no desire to be a part of the functional part of life, it's because they lack passion. I can't blame them. Like the singer said, it's all been done before. Or at least that's what they think. We're raised to assume a role. In school we're taught the same things in masses. But in order to discover greatness you have to be different and think different.


In many ways I never had a chance to realize this. I'm not here to complain and blame, I hope I'm past that in my short life. I had kids at a young age. Before I could realize what I am capable of. I see others that were maybe probably nurtured and allowed to develop individuality. Others just did it against all of the odds. Even though they were brought in environments where they should have quit, instead they still thrive. I'm not disappointed in what I've become. I've already reached levels I never thought were possible. Even at 39 years old I have already accomplished more than I ever knew was a possibility. But I don't want this to be about me. I'm only trying to explain that we can't blame people for what they don't know. This life is a journey and we must travel alone. Each of us has a mission we are here to accomplish. Although it's very likely we'll never know what it is, we all have an opportunity to achieve it.


I do know that with passion and purpose I have found that I can't imagine not searching for my meaning. The reason why I'm here. Although at times I run low on energy, knowing that I can possibly find that lightning in a bottle moment drives me. I don't know when or if I found it but I know that if I could motivate one person to know it's possible then I've done what I can. Don't get me wrong. I've had to fake it till I make it many times. Convincing myself that i'm passionate about something just to motivate myself. Only to find that I had the drive within me all along.


I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that having kids early was a subconscious decision I made. It sparked me. Without it I don't know if I would have made anything of myself. But looking in their Eyes? I know I have no choice but to get out there and work to thrive. And I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hillary for President?

How can you vote for Hillary?

The Presidency should be reserved for the highest of high in achievements. To be selected you should have had to done exceedingly well in your career and life. So why are so many people considering Hillary when this does not describe her at all? Don't get me wrong, she has done well in her life. But what has she done so great to deserve the United States of America's highest honor? Let me see if I can point out a few of the reasons and then explain why the reAson is laughable.

The first reason and biggest reason is because people in America seem to enjoy rooting for firsts. Hillary would be the first woman president in America and so I believe millions of women want to vote for her just because she's a woman. To me that's so sexist and insecure of women. Women should wait for a real female candidate instead of voting for the wrong one. If missions of men vote for a man specifically because he is a man that would be considered sexist. But when women do it it's considered feminism. In my opinion that's the only reason women could be considering Hillary for president. She has not exceeded at any part of her career. Not only has she not exceeded but controversy has also followed her.

People are also voting foe her because of the success of Bill Clinton. It's absolutely absurd to vote for her because of the perceived success of her husband. Bill was a cool president but I would argue against his success as president as well. It's a different subject but I will note his embarrassing scandal of Monica Lewinski. As well as allowing to give loans to millions of people without having to actually prove their income. Directly causing the housing crash of 2008. Add to that he was also part of the Whitewater scandal. What he was is lucky. He was fortunate and lucky to be the president during the beginning of a new age and industry of computers. So voting for Hillary because of Bill is ridiculous.

I will look directly at her barely positive career. Eight years as the first lady hardly qualifies as experience. Especially since that was another point of continued controversy in her life and career. Although no charges were brought against her Whitewater continues to be a questionable part of her past. After her term as senator she was elected Secretary of State. Once again she was part of controversy. In my opinion her lack of regard to confidential information alone should disqualify her. She sent thousands of confidential emails through her personal email account endangering thousands of lives. Including the Benghazi deaths. She then completely lied about the entire situation under oath. Their is video on Youtube of her lying about sending emails and laughing about it. This shows her lack of integrity and how little she values the average American.

On top of that is the Clinton foundation. Once again Hillary is part of a controversy. Now it is with her and her husband's foundation. Although she has not been charged with anything yet the Clinton foundation is another example of why Clinton not only does not deserve to become president but why she can't even be trusted as an official. Of the 140 million dollars the foundation received in pledges in 2013 only 9.4 million went to direct aid. The foundation is treated more like a slush fund for The Clinton family and friends than as an actual non-profit. The Clinton foundation and Hillary herself is currently under investigation by the FBI. There are numerous examples of a minimum of conflict of interest with her foundation and her time as secretary of state.

I'm not advocating for Hillary Clinton to do jail time or that she has not been successful. I'm only saying that she has done nothing to deserve being appointed to the highest honor the United States has to offer. There is a saying "where there is smoke there's fire". It is completely naive to think that with all of this controversy that has followed Clinton that she is not responsible for some part of it. In my opinion for all of these people to continue to support her for president just shows the lack of integrity missions of Americans also have. To support someone of Hillary's character shows the lack of knowledge many Americans have for not only the political process but also for being informed of reality. America already has integrity issues when it comes to politics, let's not make that even worse by electing Hillary Clinton as President. Our citizens deserve to have a leader that embodies what represents us as a nation. That's not a person who refuses to acknowledge any responsibility in any of her wrongdoings. While also lying about her involvement in any of them. Benghazi just being one example of how she failed not only the American people but innocent people who lost their lives.

Welcome to Edinburgh

Welcome to Edinburgh

I recently began a three week stay in the beautiful city of Edinburgh, Scotland. Here is what I've experienced.

I've been in Edinburgh now for a little less than two weeks and I'm staying at the Best Western Bruntsfield. During the day I'm working just outside town and in the evenings I'm mostly sticking to myself at my hotel room. Not because I'm anti social but because it's a bit cold here in February. As much as a reason it's also an excuse. On Saturday I did make it out for a walk around town. It rained a bit and the wind was cold but the people I've met here have made up for the cold with their warmth.

In 10 days I've encountered only one person that hasn't been delightful. I'm not saying that one person was rude or anything just not delightful. That's how ridiculously nice everyone in Edinburgh has been. It makes me believe that I have made a great decision with the new job I have taken. But this isn't about me. I just want to take a moment to express how much I appreciate how I've been treated since arriving here.

I've traveled many places both domestic and international. It's usually the same thing where I arrive in town and either rent a car or take a taxi or public transportation to the hotel. So when my company had me picked up at the airport I was already surprised. And the taxi driver was the one person not pleasant. Not unpleasant just not delightful and there's nothing wrong with that. I think we started off on the wrong foot. My flight was late and I had to go through customs. When I received his call me asked me to meet him in a specific location. When he walked up behind me I realized I wasn't where he wanted me to be. So I'll take the responsibility for his frustration. Anyways, he dropped me off at the office and in his defense he at least has remembered my name in the additional times he's given me a ride.

I walk into the office and the first person I'm greeted by is the same person that planned my travel itinerary. Heather is such a pleasant woman and has made me feel so welcome. I had been traveling for 17 hours since Sunday at 7am and since Edinburgh is eight hours ahead of California it was now Monday at 8am. I am given an access card to get through the door and offered refreshments and fruit. By 1pm my eyes are burning and I'm getting tired. At about that time Heather comes through the door and tells us the taxi is on its way and they're going to let us go back to the hotel and get some rest. Once back at the hotel we find the rooms already paid for with no issues. I head to my room and pass out. I wake up around 5pm and try to stay awake so that I'm not waking up in the middle of the night. But I give in and sleep more. But now here I am after a couple of weeks and I'm getting used to the time change. I've also felt taken care of by everyone I've encountered.

What I've noticed about the people here in Edinburgh is that everyone seems so genuine and delightful. Not just Edinburgh either. I've met some guys from Glasgow and they were also super nice. Yesterday I was golfing at St. Andrews and this really good guy Greg that I went there with were golfing with this gentleman and his girlfriend. St one point he offered me a drink from his Evian bottle. I declined but almost said yes because I was so thirsty. I said no because I felt dumb for not bringing water and felt I needed to endure the rest of the round on the Strathtryum course without it.

From each of the taxi drivers to all of my coworkers and even the hotel staff everyone has been remarkably courteous, engaging, and genuinely interested in me as an individual. Three of my favorite people have been Julie, Fiona, and Stephanie. Each of them is very different but uniquely special. From the way Fiona talks to me like family to how Strong mentally Stephanie is. She's such an interesting person to talk to but also doesn't take any crap. She also gives an honest opinion which I appreciate. Fiona's story is fascinating and I've always enjoyed people who are comfortable in their skin. On top of being Vietnamese and coming here with her family on a boat as a small child while her sister ended up on a boat to America. She's also openly gay and when we went out to eat with group of coworkers at Bar Soba we embraced in a hug and I already feel like I've known her for years. Julie is like that loving sister that looks out for me and ensures I'm being taken care of. I went to dinner at the BlackBird with Fiona and Julie and I really appreciate them taking time from their evenings to hang out with me. Along with Greg who is actually not from here they're part of the reason why I have grown to respect the hell out of this place. Greg is a 22 year old guy who was born in Wales and raised in South Africa near Zambia. We golfed together yesterday and he picked me up at my hotel and drove us to St. Andrews. We had a great time and even enjoyed a snack and some cappuccino afterwards.

Last year Edinburgh voted no to separating from the EU but after speaking with many of the citizens its apparent a large amount would prefer to separate. It's for good reason. As part of the EU England effectively decides their issues from afar. While they still would like to be a part of free trade agreements they want the opportunity to decide their own social issues. With a large amount of immigration going on because of fleeing refugees from numerous nations they want to decide how Scotland handles such a situations. It's common knowledge that some come here and immediately start receiving government benefits and beg in the streets. With a heavily socialized economy it affects the country heavily. From what I've witnessed here so many people are hard working class people. They don't seem to mind helping people but the success of a country is not always guaranteed. With public health services and government programs that help people purchase homes and avoid homelessness economic prudence is I'm sure very important.

Being here has given me an eye opening experience of how effective government assistance can be. It is common here for single people to own homes in their 20s. That's not the case in the United States. Don't get me wrong, I'm an American through and through and I love my country but it's not easy to thrive in the US, especially California. We have our own issues with immigration. But the major difference is that here in Scotland they take care of their citizens. In America I don't feel I can say that. I'm 39 years old and have never owned a home. Part of that is my own fault but I've worked for over 20 years and last year I paid over 28 thousand dollars in taxes. I also paid another 10 thousand dollars in medical insurance. While there is no guarantee that Social Security will be available to me when Im eligible sometime around when I'm 67 I also get nickle and dimed with health insurance. I pay over 800 dollars a month in insurance and then the rare times I actually need to use it I have to pay a co-pay and an out of pocket fee for other parts of the service. In Scotland their is a basic healthcare that they receive. Although they pay higher taxes because of it I'm paying as well with approximately 10 percent of my pay. So after paying about 40 percent of my pay to the aforementioned items I can't afford to save a 20 percent down payment on the overpriced homes. The time I almost bought I was being outbid by Chinese investors paying cash for homes in California from China. I personally don't believe the US gives a damn about me as an individual. All they care about is my money and that I shut up and get my ass to work. People might say the US is not socialist but anyone can come over our borders and receive welfare, food stamps, and low income housing while I make just a little bit more because I have to help pay for those programs. To me that's Socialism. In Scotland it seems to me that there are mechanisms in place to take care of their citizens and in return people here are proud of their country. Not only do they say their happy but their attitudes reflect it. In America many people are cold and angry. They feel the hardships of Capitalism and greed. Living for a Government that lacks civil servants and instead filled with corrupt greedy politicians concerned with their own financial well being. It's turned into a country run by elitists but still trying to tell us it's the people foe the people.

Overall my experience here in Scotland has been a pleasant one. I know tomorrow I can go enjoy a pleasant environment for breakfast here at the Bruntsfield Best Western. I'll be served with genuine kindness while I enjoy my omelet, Haggis, and black pudding. Along with my pot of coffee freshly brewed for me I will hear the families and individuals discuss football and politics in their endearing and varying Scottish accents. I will be greeted with compassion and sent off with a Cheers. I will try my best to respect their culture and country. And I will head back home leaving a place that I have grown to not only respect but love as a destination. Although it has averaged under 40 degrees Fahrenheit here in Edinburgh I have never felt the cold. Instead I feel warmed by a community that truly does care about one another. You can see it in every single one of its citizens. And it's restored my faith that genuine and loving people still do exist in this largely cold and Capitalistic world.

My brother

In 2011 I had this company I started for security systems. I felt that I had enough experience in the industry to be successful. Since my brother is also a technical guy I asked if he wanted to run it with me. Since he had just lost his job we created a new corporation and put it in his name since I was still employed full time. The thought was to keep my name off of things until I could resign my position and also do it full time. But until then we would pay him through the company. What happened was that I ended up not being a part of the company even though I had brought every customer we had and potential ones. This severed our relationship.




Fast forward to January 2016. I spoke to my brother for the first time in almost 5 years. What I've learned since then is always separate business and personal. I was extremely upset while this was all happening and reacted emotionally. What I realized was that losing my brother because of money or similar sucked. I missed my only brother and although it took me a while to get over it I am completely over it. When I say over it I have no anger or bad feelings because of what happened. When I forgive it's more for my own peace of mind than the other person. Once I'm able to let it go I don't believe in reliving it. That means I have to be able to discuss it without any emotions or anger being involved. I believe that until I can do that I am not in reality ready to forgive or move on. That's why I'm always surprised when people immediately say that they forgive someone. I think they say that but they can't possibly already feel that. An example is a woman who's daughter was murdered. Shortly after the murder the mother came out and forgave the murderer. I remember wondering how she could possibly forgive so quickly.




Karma I believe finds us all and we all get ours in the end. My brother was no exception and now I hope I haven't done anything further to cause Karma to find me again. My brother Michael is having some troubles. His wife is divorcing him and he's living in a friends RV. He also lost his job. My brother is a very talented guy with many skills but he's struggling right now. I'm not saying I can help him but I can let him know that I'm on his side and love him. Just in case he didn't know that already. The fact is that I don't want to see my brother suffer. I want to see him succeed. I even said that right after even though I was still pissed off. I don't hate the player and I feel guilty for anything I ever said to him that was negative. I hope he finds peace and happiness and that he turns into a person that his wife will look back and regret leaving. Because to me that's the only way to approach a separation. Take it as motivation to become the best person you possibly can so that when people are around you they can't help but be drawn to you.




I did learn that you never mix business and family. I should have never entangled the two when I did. It caused me to lose over 4 years with my brother and the frustration of losing a business. I am happy to have my brother back and it's another case of how I learn something new every day. I'm a flawed individual but I'm trying my best to not make the same mistake twice. I hate making mistakes and I'm very hard on myself when I do. But I love more than anything and I feel blessed every day just to get another chance. I wish I had all the answers and the ability to help people. But like they tell you on an airplane. You can't help others or put their oxygen masks on until you take care of yourself first.




I have one weakness that is bigger than all of the rest. I've been trying so hard to block it and not give into the temptation. It sometimes controls me physically and so I avoid situations where I might give into it. It's not a drug or alcohol but in my mind and body the satisfaction of it feels like a drug. So although not a disease it exists inside of me and I have to work to control it. But like anything in life we have choices and I'm choosing to refrain from it's grasp and focus more on being a positive role model for others. I just want to be thankful for what I have because it's already more than I could have ever hoped for.

One Month Without Alcohol

So after writing about how alcoholism is not a disease (in my opinion) I had to test myself. I want to go until my birthday (September) without any drinking. The longest I've gone after becoming an adult without drinking is about 4 months. I've realized that alcohol is a big part of my life. So now that it's February 1st and I've gone since December 31st without drinking it's time to evaluate.

What I've found after not drinking for a month is that:

First, I've found that it's a bigger deal to others that I'm not drinking than it is to me. Several times I've been handed a beer or a shot assuming that I wanted one. This is not the other person's fault but mine. Over time I've shown my willingness to be down to drink so I can't be frustrated when it's offered to me. I also don't want it to be a big deal that I'm not drinking. I want to be involved in day to day life like I would be normally without having to avoid situations where I might be tested. If I'm not going to drink I don't want it to be a big deal or to be a pain in the ass to people.

The first time I was tempted was last week during a going away party at a Tap House near my house. Everyone was drinking beers and taking shots. I had a Mountain Dew and have to admit I felt the urge to do a shot but avoided it. The next time was at a friends house during the AFC/NFC NFL championships. They have every kind of liquor imaginable. Cocktails were flowing as well as beers. This was the first time people really noticed I was not drinking. They didn't make a big deal of it just offered me juices and water. It went smoothly and I had fun with a lot of good food.

I've noticed that although I don't want it to be a big deal I've stayed aware of how many days it's been since I last drank. For someone who does not want it to be a big deal I've noticed that it is a big deal to myself. I was caught off guard by this and I'm working to ignore how long it's been. My reason for doing this isn't simply just as an experiment but also to lose weight. Drinking has assisted in me not having the energy or drive to exercise consistently. I also hate that groggy feeling when I wake up. Drinking might be fun while you're doing it but everything else about it hurts.

I've noticed some positives since I quit. The first is how much more energy I have. I have a spring in my step and I get up easier. The other noticeable change is how my focus stays constant. This in my opinion is the biggest issue with drinking. If I'm celebrating and drinking it's because something awesome happened. But if it's awesome I should want that feeling to last as long as possible. But when I'm finished drinking the excitement away the feeling is gone. When I wake up I don't have that same energy, I'm starting over. Now, I have the same energy consistently every day. That might not always be a good thing though. Right now I'm interviewing for a new job. I find myself wondering what's going to happen. Sometimes it's hard to turn the brain off and I just keep thinking. I find myself wanting to drink just to dull those thoughts a little bit.

Now to the downside. Outside of some friends wanting to know every detail of why I'm not drinking I've only noticed two other issues. The first I mentioned above with my brain never turning off. The other is sugar. For the first week I expected to need some sugar or something to help me not want to drink. But a month into it I notice that I have more of a sweet tooth than usual. The last thing I want is to start a new habit to get rid of another one. So now that it's February 1st I plan to no longer allow myself any crutches. What good is it to quit if I start a new addiction that also won't help me to achieve my physical goals.

Anyways, it has been an interesting month. I'm determined not to give up, but I also don't want it to be a big deal. I don't want to be that guy that has to make a big deal of the situation every time people see me. I don't know if I've lost any weight but I do know I have a lot of love and respect for anyone that makes big changes in their life. Keep up the good work!

My attitude towards Police

In the summer of 2000 I was 24 years old and living in San Clemente, CA. There's this bar Knuckleheads that we would walk to down the street from our apartment. We were on our way back from the bar and it was my wife, her best friend Heidi and myself. We were walking down Florencia street and a cop car pulled in front of us and they turned their lights on. Only one cop got out of the car and he shined his light in my face and ordered me over to his car. He asked me what I threw in the bushes and whether he had arrested me before. He asked me if he could search me with what I felt was a rude attitude towards me. After searching me and finding nothing he turned around and got in his car without saying anything besides rude things to me. I approached his car and told him that I had never felt so disrespected. He said "awe did I hurt your feelings, are you gonna cry?". Then he drove away.

For a long time I assumed all of those San Clemente cops were the same way. Even though his partner never got out of the car and even covered his face with his hand like he was embarrassed. Kind of like he wanted nothing to do with his partners actions. I truly believe for every one of those cops with a bad attitude or having a bad day, there are many more that make a positive difference in peoples lives. There are many that risk their lives and act in an honorable selfless manner. Individuals who wake up in the morning and lace up their boots and go to work. Working to try and prevent harm on all of our loved ones. To protect and serve our communities. Working countless hours each day in under staffed departments while patrolling streets among citizens that in large numbers don't like them. A few bad ones give many of the good ones a negative image.

My example of a police encounter was one of the extreme situations with police I've encountered. Another involves a court room, and a judge threatening to hold me in contempt but that's another story. Since I have changed my attitude towards police my experiences have changed completely. Even getting out of a possible DUI in Sanford, FL because I was respectful. Putting myself in a situation to possibly get a DUI is another story and not smart at all.

I look back at the experience on Florencia in San Clemente and I probably didn't handle it correctly. I definitely didn't get the response i had hoped for from the cop. I look back and laugh cause thinking of it now i should have laughed. My feelings were hurt. I should have just moved on. Instead I let my emotions get a hold of me. If i really had a problem i should have submitted a complaint. Then maybe others would complain about the same thing and he'll be forced to change hopefully. I'm not saying people should allow police to bully. I'm only trying to say brush some things off and not stereotype one cop because of others.

Men's Lib

With all the drama surrounding women's liberation and rights it got me thinking. First, let me state that I'm equal opportunity to the core. I believe that anyone with the most qualifications should get any position or opportunity out there. If I'm in a situation where a woman is more qualified than I am she should get the opportunity. Whether it be color, gender, or whatever else I believe in equal opportunity.

Now that's out of the way let me get to my point. With all of the women's liberation and equality it made me realize men need their own cause. Automatically people are freaking out. Hear me out. When I was getting out of the US Navy they were implementing a plan to bring Navy ships to a point where there are as many women as men. They made this happen quickly. I was an E-4 at the time and all through the lower ranks of E1-E3 I had to do working parties (not exactly a party) and clean the entire ship including restrooms which the Navy calls Heads. Well in my last month in the Navy a new E-1 female came aboard the ship and started working with us. Her last name was Huggins and she was a nice girl. But she was a little on the dainty and girly side. I don't have an issue with that at all. But, when it comes to the duties of the Navy she signed the same documents I did. Where it requires you to be able to carry 50 pounds and carry out the duties on a ship. Well, during our first time underway (going out to sea) she started to puke from sea sickness. Our chief wanted me to fill up a bucket and carry it to where she threw up and help her clean it up. Normally, I am very cordial with helping another person or shipmate as we all referred to each other. I would have gladly helped her if she was the one that asked me. But since it was a chief that was telling me I had to I had an issue with it. When I was an E-1 and was in a similar situation nobody was there to carry my bucket but since it was a female it was expected that I help her. Same with the working parties. Because she was a female she wasn't expected to do the same lifting of boxes when we would bring on new supplies from other ships. Since they made such a beef about how we were suppose to treat women equally I was confused why all of a sudden they also wanted us to treat them different.

Once I left the Navy it was the same at multiple jobs I worked at. When we moved to a new building all the men were expected to carry the furniture and build the desks while the women didn't even have to be there. Another job same thing. Us men were expected to build desks and women were never asked to do any physical labor outside of their normal job description. So what is it? Is it equal or is it special? Look, I'm cool either way. I love women. I usually get along better with women than I do men because they're not as competitive. Men always want to compete. We're out golfing and they want to play for money, golf isn't exciting enough on its own. Life is already competition I don't need anymore. But if you're going to tell me that they're suppose to be equal and special at the same time then I'm going to have an issue with that. Same as my current job. When it's time to move desks or anything it's "Danny can you move this desk". Yet women will complain about not making the same amount. But if they'd look they do make the same amount. There is so much that goes into that equation. It's not just same pay for same position, there is also time in that position as well. If I have been in my career for 16 years and then a woman has been doing it for 10, should she automatically make the same amount as me? Personally, I don't really care. I have a coworker that has half the experience as I do but makes the same amount. I'm a power to the people kind of person. I don't hate the player I'm gonna hate the game.

My point is that I think people need to stop and think for a minute what they actually want. Look, women are on the rise everywhere, we might have a woman president very soon. In many ways they have more opportunities than men. This is going to be controversial but many times women get jobs based on their looks alone. I've had many bosses that gave attractive women raises just to keep them from leaving. Us men sometimes are treated like a dime a dozen. So I think it's time men start standing up for themselves and not just lay down for the sake of being chivalrous. If we're truly talking equality then it shouldn't matter if they're a man or a woman. If a woman wants the same job as a man then do that job.

There comes the trouble right there. Women in combat. It's a great thought and a fight for the cause to put women in combat but is it actually a good idea. We're talking about war here not games. I guarantee you if a platoon gets captured and there are females the enemy is going to do whatever they have to in order to get information. In combat people are tortured. Are the men in that platoon going to sit back and allow a female member of their platoon to be tortured physically and even sexually? Or will they give whatever information they have to in order to protect them?

How about in every day life? I know businesses run by women that only hire women. Isn't this discrimination against men? Why is this ok but the other way around isn't?

How about domestic violence? Why does a man get laughed at by police when they say a female assaulted them? How come I watched Beyonce's sister on video punching and hitting JayZ and nobody said a word? Why is it that it seems double standards are all over the place like this?

Yes, at least one of my examples is extreme. Most women are not big enough to cause harm to a man. My point is that shouldn't it be wrong for either man or woman to use physical or verbal abuse? I guess I just don't understand why nobody focuses on the anger issues and violence women have but men are criticized constantly. I just feel that it should be equal opportunity 100% or don't yell for equal opportunity. If a woman wants to assault a man then get used to being arrested.

In my opinion it's not the fact that a 5 foot tall woman is not able to hurt a 6 foot tall man it the point that violence should not be allowed either way. There should be no tolerance either way between a man and a woman. A man is taught that no matter what a woman does to them they do not have the right to hit a woman back. While I agree a man in no situation should ever touch a woman violently I just think we need to take it a step further and not allow a woman any size to be violent either. In our society I believe it's too often looked at from perception instead of reality. Reality is that although a man should never touch a woman a woman should also not be allowed to provoke a man by slapping him and punching him. If JayZ would have been arrested for slapping Beyonce's sister then her sister should have been arrested for assaulting JayZ.

I know my points don't always depict reality and that this is my opinion. I'm just thinking out loud because to me it's the same with color as it is with gender. People want to be equal until they realize that also sucks and then they want to be special. It's similar to my opinion about having no Black Entertainment Television. If having White Entertainment Television would be considered racist then get rid of the other. People say it's for pride and that's where I'll say pride is over rated and quickly turns to hate. I'm tired of seeing black people yuk it up on BET awards and celebrate being black yet anytime white people do it they're being racist. This in itself causes resentment.

If you think I'm siding with white people then you don't get me. I don't care what color people are. I just don't agree that one side gets special privileges while the other is criticized. I heard the rapper Common give his opinion about how he feels that black people should be allowed to use the word nig*a but white people should not. His logic was that black people endured hundreds of years of slavery and earned the right. I laugh at that logic. Last I checked Common lived in a better community and grew up with more money and privileges than many white and any other color people. He was never a slave and has no idea what it was like to be a slave. While he may have endured racism that is a far cry from slavery and he should be ashamed for even trying to claim he knows what it was like to be a slave. While I empathize with anyone who has been a victim of any prejudice that's a big difference from being a slave. Nobody should use that word if it's deemed inappropriate. It's that kind of entitlement that we need to get rid of in our society. But I've ranted long enough and I'm sure I've lost everyone by now.

Is Alcoholism a disease?

I cannot in good conscience consider alcoholism a disease. Not at all. While I empathize with sufferers of addiction including alcohol, how can anyone compare failing to quit drinking to something like cancer?

I'm sure people will dislike me because I feel I am allowed differentiate between the two. It's not that I am telling anyone how to feel. Everyone has the right to feel however they want. This only my opinion which I feel I'm allowed to have.

It's not like I don't have any experience with both alcoholism and cancer. My mother who was an admitted alcoholic died three months ago of cancer. My brother and I used to sneak cans of Budweiser and marboro red cigarettes into the garage and drink after her and her boyfriend passed out. This was in 4th grade right before my brother left to live with our grandmother. My mom's boyfriend Paul hit my brother in the mouth with a beer bottle that was intended for my mother. It broke his front tooth and the police decided Paul could no longer be around my brother.

I didn't drink again after that year until I was 13 and went to my cousin Gabriel's wedding. I snuck champagne and beer and almost caused a big fight between the families. My cousin Ruben and I were checking out some guys car and he started giving us shit saying we were too close to it. By the time I was in 12th grade I was working full time at McDonalds and drinking at night after work. We would go to my friend Thom's house and drink. We would also go over to my friend Fernando's Mexican restaurant and drink while playing cards.

The following year while stationed in Washington it only got worse. By the time I was 19 I was driving back and forth to Vancouver Canada to clubs three days a week. Between that and visiting a girl Sheila I met there I was drinking beer, vodka, rum, and Vancouver's best raspberry ciders. They're like 7% alcohol. It all culminated in being pulled over by the police for illegal lane usage. They found an open bottle of bacardi and missed a corona stashed in the seat pocket of my Jeep Wrangler. Ended up with a court date and up in front of the Captain. I only showed up to one of those appointments. I'll tell that story another time though.

My point is that I'm exactly who becomes an alcoholic. But even if I succumb to being an alcoholic I hope I never start calling it a disease.

Anything that you can quit and it goes away is not a disease. I honestly feel that is a way of admitting you're powerless against it. Like it owns them and they cannot get rid of it. If they quit they can say they beat a disease and so they can feel like they've conquered something. I just feel if you need to give yourself a fake disease so that you can beat it to feel good about yourself? In my opinion it means there are insecurities there that need to be worked out.

I'm not trying to be judgmental order holier than thou. Trust me, I'm no better than anyone. A homeless man on the street is my brother. No matter his background, color, or beliefs. I believe we are all the same underneath. I also feel physically what others feel. No, not to the extent they do. But when I see someone struggling with addiction, pain, sickness, sadness, loss, I feel their pain.

I have no idea what my future holds. I do have faith though. I've already accomplished more than I ever thought I would. The rest is above everything I could have ever imagined. I guess you can say I had low expectations or none at all. I do know that I've had ups and downs with alcohol. There are times I've felt I controlled alcohol while other times alcohol has controlled me. If i become consumed by it it's on me to find help. But to try and say I have a disease? To me, that's offending everyone that has ever had a real disease that they did nothing to bring upon themselves. Yes, some cancers are caused by people themselves. Others diseases like Leukemia, small children never did anything to deserve that. Let's not feel so guilty about our choices that we need to blame a disease in order to cope. So that if we conquer it we feel strong or if we fail we have something besides ourselves to blame it on.

I hope that I can simply accept my choices and responsibility for something that I could have decided was a risk at anytime. Instead I chose to roll the dice and hope I can control it.

Instead of a disease it's more like a gambling addiction. Continuing to risk losing it all by betting against the odds. We all have freedom of choice. I can't complain about the consequences if I am the one that chose to risk it all.