I often reflect. It gives me perspective of where I've been and where I'm going. Although I do not dwell on the past I often become depressed in the moment. I'm consistently a positive thinking person, but I think I tend to write more when I'm down. I think it's because I prefer to talk about the positive things where as people don't like to focus on the negatives. They're uncomfortable talking about anything people might construe as not politically correct or happy thoughts. But as I turned 40 on September 2nd I've done a lot of thinking about where I've been and where I'm going.
First, let me state that I've accomplished more than I ever hoped to in life. As a poor kid from the streets of Southern California I see now that my goals were small and my expectations tempered. At 17 years old I thought that I would be content with 65,000 dollars a year salary with no thoughts of a family. While already exceeding that salary and also having a family I feel that my life has already peaked. Is this my mind once again aiming too low? With my youngest child nearly 17 years old I'm nearing the end of my era of kids. Although parenting never ends I believe in treating them like adults, especially once they turn 18. I feel that if you are open with kids and put more of the responsibility of their future on them, they adapt to the responsibilities. I have no special formula for raising kids but I do believe that with trust, love, and honesty you can gain their confidence, loyalty, and trust. I also don't put any expectations on them as far as careers and making money. I simply have stressed to them the importance of finding happiness and peace.
As a child I remember my parents telling me to become a doctor or a lawyer because that's where the money is. But for a person who can't even watch surgeries on tv shows and can't stand ruthless people those careers were out of the question. Instead, I went for what I had a knack for that also pays well. Computers were something I already spent many hours around so why not make it a career. It's also not a career where your body breaks down doing it. Although I should have taken into consideration the damage it has done to my eyes. Like they say though hindsight's 20/20. As a computer guy I've enjoyed some success and some frustration. Although the work is not physically strenuous in my career it is strenuous on the nerves. I've been responsible for every door and camera working at an airport and government but to me the money doesn't reflect that kind of risk. I've had directors of airports breathing down my neck while our sales guy sat and chatted about golf at the same time. But I can think of many worse careers so overall I am satisfied with my career choice. My other choices were to stay in and retire from the Navy, fireman, restaurant manager, or banker.
With my kids I have allowed them to envision their own futures and embrace the passions that they feel. My 22 year old daughter was fairly easy. Although I did not see her married and having a child by the age of 22 I did see her as either an English teacher or a nurse. Now that she is a medical assistant going to school for her nursing degree I feel I was close. My 18 year old starts school at UC Irvine on September 22nd and is currently slotted for either business management or business economics. Since he excels in math and passed the AP Calculus test in high school I felt that he should incorporate his passion of sports into what he excels at. I don't know if he'll integrate sports into his career or if he'll change his mind about his major. I do know that he is a confident young man who is also a good person. I have confidence he'll continue to think things through and be happy at whatever it is he decides. My 16 year old is the final piece of the puzzle. He is the most gifted of my three kids although he doesn't always work at it. He also has a heart of gold and warms my heart with the way he treats others. With a passion for writing and theatre he also excels in science. He was just awarded the lead role in the fall high school play and he constantly reads and writes. I can see him as someone who performs on broadway or becomes an english teacher who also works to become a successful published author. Whether they achieve these goals I am very excited for each of their futures and honestly could not be any happier with the individuals they have become.
For me, I hate to sound negative but I feel I've had my better days. I no longer have the perception that the world is a wonderful place or that you can achieve whatever you want through hard work and dedication. There are gray areas that surround us and sometimes you also need luck and help. As a kid who moved out of the house before I turned 17 I came from humble beginnings. Often sleeping in places like a car at a lake or unknown apartments. I learned very early how to look out for myself as well as my brother and sister. I've witnessed too much violence and started my adult life off with too much anger. As I see many people around me receive support from their families I have very little family. Although I reconnected with my mother in 2013 I never saw her again after 1989. She left us when I was in fourth grade and I also have never met my father. I often look at others who had seemingly normal childhoods with jealousy and envy. People who could reach out and borrow some money or if needed move back into their parents house. Instead, I've had to pay rent like clockwork since I was 16. I'm so tired sometimes. But I prefer not to ask for it to be any other way. In life you better be careful what you ask for. Instead I take my lessons and try to learn from them. Although I started raw and naive of the business life I learn as I go. When I feel a defeat I learn from it and come back stronger and more determined. I resist the urge to resent people and I work to stay humble. I feel I'm no better than anyone else because I have no idea what each person has gone through. I also try to become a better person each day. I have inner demons like anyone else and I fight to suppress them or extinguish them and I refuse to give up. Although they call 40 mid life I have no fantasy about reaching 80 years old. The oldest person in my family was my mother who lived to be 64. I was happy that her and I were able to make peace before she passed. But at no point did I try to bring up memories from the past that were not pleasant. Instead, I focused on the good times wanting my mother to know that the important thing was I am happy and that I hold no anger towards her for my childhood. I still miss her every day.
I also have an opportunity coming that can change the course of my family forever. When my daughter turned 19 she moved into her uncle's house. Her and her mom did not see eye to eye and while her mother was on vacation in Colorado she moved her stuff out. But now, my daughter, her husband, and their two kids (he already had a son when they met) are going to move into our house to save money. It'll also give my wife and I a chance to save money and pay off some debt. It won't be easy and some lessons will be learned. I've been thinking long and hard of ways to make this successful as well as doing what I can to prevent failure. I will go into this open minded and amendable. I look forward to the opportunity and look forward to the opportunity to watch the family grow and bond together. To help ensure this happens I have quit drinking again. My wife has agreed to as well. I hope that we can all share memories while making things easier for each other. While there is no guarantee it'll all go smooth I do believe it'll turn out the way it was meant to. I hope I'm mature enough to lead this family even if someone doesn't follow. As well as being open to learning new lessons. But most importantly continuing to grow into a man and person that my family can rely on and look up too. Because although I believe my best days are behind me I will continue to grow and live. I could surprise myself and once again achieve more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. I do know that even if I die tomorrow and although I do have regrets I work not to dwell on them. I continue to believe that I've enjoyed more success in ways that cannot be measured and have lived a blessed life. If it all ends I want my loved ones to not be sad. I just hope that I'll be remembered as someone who helped his family reach new levels of happiness that they didn't think was possible. I want to provide them love, comfort, and stability. Pushing future generations to new heights never imagined by previous generations. Oh, and I also hope to enjoy the rest of my life. Maybe play a little golf, laugh, love, and most importantly find the answers to what my purpose is on this earth. Or to hopefully find out at the end of my journey that I accomplished what I was here for. That it was a plan that I carried out in spite of all the odds and challenges because above all I'm happy to be a survivor.
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