Stop the surgery

Yesterday, my mom had surgery to remove part of her lung because of cancer. She's the last of my parents after losing my mother (Lenora) three months ago and I'm caught off guard by this situation. Shirley (mom) just beat breast cancer after having a breast removed. She barely complained, and I could not hear any difference in her voice before, during, or after chemo.

Right before the surgery we had to prepare for the worst. If she died during surgery she was content with that. She didn't want that but prepared for it. But during surgery they discovered that the Cancer had spread and now was the size of a fist. They couldn't do the surgery.


This is hard to write.


Losing her during surgery was such a worry. We prepared for it by talking for hours on the phone and making sure we were good with each other. She sent her love to the kids and was hopeful they would remove the cancer. I am so happy I have another day with her but that meant no surgery will help her. There was little chance of success so she can choose being terminal or have to go through chemo, again.


Chemo is the only option. She could do nothing and wait for the tumor to take her but she's a fighter. She's going to go through chemo, again. She's always been one of the toughest people I've ever known, along with my dad. I know right! Having both of them was hard to live up to.
As a child she was intimidating. Just her being mad scared me. But no matter what I went through as a child I hold no anger or resentment towards her. Without the bad the good would not be possible. And the good outweighs the bad exponentially.


Without this woman Shirley, none of my current life would be possible. I'm not joking. When I lived with my mother until 4th grade I was already getting into trouble. Fighting all of the time and already experimenting with alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. Shirley gave part of herself to get the message through to me that I needed to live a certain way.


She's an intense woman and to this day she doesn't fuck around.


My kids laugh and enjoy wondering how that can be possible, because La La is such an amazing grandma. She's also been an amazing mom. Ever since her and my dad told me that we should forget the past and move on things were/are awesome. They told me after I finished boot camp that I was an adult and they would treat me like one.


They never went back on that promise.


That, is why I believe I was able to grow up. Them treating me like a peer made me want to reach new heights just to make them proud. In their eyes I've done great and they've said it. In my eyes I've failed greatly. Unable to take care of it all. Unable to give my dad the burial he deserved at Rose Hills. Unable to achieve what I was capable of despite having the abilities. Witnessing others achieve more and at times with less ability. Those inabilities drive me to this day.


I don't really have resentment except for maybe having to start from way behind, and at myself for being lazy. I hold none towards my parents. Although my dad has passed, he lives with me every day. I will live today with the love, potential, hope, and most importantly the PASSION that I was taught to exhibit.


Thank you Shirley Jones for your support, love, passion, intensity, dedication, and heart through all of these years with no reward. I'm asking for the powers that be to look over you in our time in need. We love you, and we all have faith in the plan. Nothing can take away from your impact on our lives. Thank you and I promise to live in your honor today and God willing going forward. I Love you

Wish I knew then what I know now

I used to think that breaking up was the end of the world. That feeling in my stomach actually physically hurt. I could have just been a dog but something about the chase and emotions made expending the energy worth it.


Then, I had kids. I learned real quick how saving your energy for the marathon was most important. Since I've been more of a sprinter, I have not been one of the best at this game.
Fortunately, I haven't been the worst. Although my path has been decided, I'm not too old to make some adjustments. But, it would be silly to think that I can still decide what I want to be when I grow up. I can still write a few chapters but the plot has already been written. 

Be careful what you decide to be your plot.


You can always write your endings but being happy cover to cover is what most don't figure out. We write our own experience, although most of us figure out that we're authors too late.
We all wish we knew then what we know now but that's part of the magic of life.

The battle between Capitalism and happiness

I've been on top of the world. Well, not literally. But I have felt what I believe was euphoria. It's the simple things too that usually give me that feeling. 

Don't get me wrong, I would love to drive a 2015 Ferrari or Maserati while living it up with waves at my deck.
But I know that physical experience will never outweigh the spiritual. A moment of emotional bliss or spiritual connection is a way better feeling than any physical can bring. Energy proves that for me. We're all energy. As soon as we pass on, our energy leaves our bodies. I'm pretty sure that's proven. 

Another law is that energy cannot be destroyed it can only be transferred. That means that your energy does not die with your body it's only transferred. What it's transferred to is the question.
What I wish I knew how to do was prolong the feeling of that internal euphoria with all of those endorphin that come with it. Or would I rather experience the highs and lows instead?

I do know that you can have all the possessions in the world and still not feel complete. We've learned that from all of the people that have reached that level of success but still did not feel like they completed their mission. Giving most of their fortunes away was the only thing that gave them joy towards the end of their lives. That's the main reason I gave up on ascension of the corporate ladder a long time ago.

I do wonder what I could have accomplished. A former co-worker and an eventual boss Bryan gave me a glimpse of what the possibilities were. He's retired before 40 with over four million in income plus millions in stock. I didn't have the stomach for the back stabbing, lies, etc that it took to not necessarily excel but just survive. If you're not ahead of the game you're behind it. I knew my VP was getting fired a week before he did.

Current Corporate life is just short of mob mentality. Similar to the dictator of a country. When you're in a position of power life is great. But in weakness your kingdom can be shattered. One of the definitions of Capitalism is to take advantage. That's become our way of life and we're surprised people are ruthless?

About 8 hours of alternative reality (dream)

So, I had this dream last night and seemed so real and when I woke up I remembered so much of it. 

I have lucid, vivid dreams and remember quite a bit of details for a short time after I wake up. 

I talk to others that say they never remember their dreams. 

Well, my dream last night I don't remember a bunch of detail but specific details I did. We were traveling and met a couple and the husband's name was Eric and not sure of the spelling. 

In my dream they were from Myra, which I thought they said was in North Carolina. Then further down the highway we were going to eat and met a husband and his wife. They said they were traveling from Myra. 

I said that we had met some people from Myra including a guy named Eric and said his wife's name but can't remember what it was and they said "oh that's our kids". 

In my dream I thought it was ironic. Well, I looked up Myra and there is no Myra North Carolina. The only Myra I found is in Turkey and it is the home of the legend of Santa Claus. St. Nicholas used to drop gold coins down chimneys around 11th century to the poor. 

After reading I realized I have no idea what any of it meant. But thought it was interesting. It amazes me that our subconscious minds remember so much detail including voices and environment. 

We're asleep for at least 8 hours which means it's an entirely separate reality. 

Albert Einstein calls "reality an illusion" and our subconscious should reinforce that. It's like a separate reality. In certain dreams I can remember specific tones of voices, decor of rooms, and specifics of conversations. Yet, I can't remember any of it while I'm awake. Reminds me of how small of a percentage of our brain we actually use.

Radicalism vs. Terrorism

It was Friday, November 13th 2015 before 4pm pacific time and I'm at work when everyone starts talking about a bombing in Paris. 

Maybe I didn't realize the impact or whatever because it was Friday but I didn't get into a conversation about it. Instead, it was time to go home on a Friday after a long work week. But once I got home I was glued to my phone and tv wondering how multiple assailants could carry out such acts. 

I've always been fascinated with Kamikaze pilots from WWII but also confused by what could compel someone to kill themself as part of the assault. Just recently I've watched documentaries and read accounts of what those pilots experienced. Crying the night before and being comforted. Carrying out the acts but their families having to deal with the affects on their own without their "hero" father's. 

Now, we have young men carrying out secret missions to attack innocent civilians while also planning to die in the attacks. I've read about these radicalists killing the parents of small children and brain washing them into their beliefs. Then teaching them to kill at an early age so that they're desensitized to death. And it's these children that are carrying out these acts. 

All I know is that over people are dead and hundreds more wounded. But now is the moment the media and politicians live for. The drama that surrounds it and sensationalization. Their time to shine. 

But how do we stop it and bring love to our society instead of hate. In California we cut each other off on the freeway and flip each other off while inhaling our cigarette. We brush it off like it doesn't matter yet it's a microcosm of what is happening. People feel the majority don't care about them or protect them so they try to inflict the pain they're feeling onto those masses. Makes them feel their pain while bringing attention to their cause. As misdirected and skewed as that is, in their minds that's their mission and purpose in life. Desperate people commit desperate acts. 

I hope we attempt to resolve the root cause of these issues instead of just cutting off the head while leaving a breathing body.

It's December 2nd and another shooting. This time in San Bernardino, CA. I've actually lived there before and the news reports that 14 people have been killed with many more injured. Looking to be another terrorists/radicalist killing by a man Syed Rizwan Farook and the mother of his 6 month old child Tashfeen Malik. With ties to Pakistan and Saudi Arabia they shot up a holiday luncheon for the Department of Public Health. Their families spoke out to say they surprised and don't see how this could be possible. Apparently there were conversations about religion and an argument. Very sad situation. We're starting to get used to this and with the political correctness everyone is afraid to have an opinion. So everyone just continues with there day and only talk about politically correct subjects to avoid criticism. Is that a good idea? I just wanted to remind myself to refer back to this another time. Here is a link to the story.

http://abcnews.go.com/US/san-bernardino-shooting-investigated-act-terrorism/story?id=35573368

Happy 16th birthday Garrett

Thursday morning November 12th will be my youngest son's 16th birthday. So in less than two days I have only two years left with kids under 18. I didn't say I think of things the way everyone else does. It's been a long process raising kids. I try to embrace it but it's sometimes hard with everything that comes with that joy. With joy comes sacrifice. Then cause I'm totally adhd i had to write my mom this message. All truth in this so might be a bit much for some. I can be a bit intense and confusing.


Hope you're having a pleasant night. Cheersing to you each night. That's kind of part of my prayers. Just looking up and asking the powers that be to be there watching and helping. I try not to ask often but for you I will ask. I hope they'll listen because I try not to cry wolf and reserve my requests for what matters. Just wanted you to know that you matter. I love you and appreciate you for everything you did for and to us. I can't appreciate the good without knowing and embracing the bad. Cause all of it are ingredients to success. I needed my ass kicked, there is no way around it. I'm surprised I turned out well so I can't question the process and the way it happened, I can only appreciate it. My point is that you're a chef of life. Kitchen might not always be friendly, but damn it the customers are happy. Except we were the employees and customers in one, we just didn't realize it. Thank you for seeing the big picture and handling it. I will never be able to thank you, but know you're appreciated.
Oh, could you also send my love to Michelle. Something has been telling me to let her know I love her and see her and to be easier on herself.

Love you all so much



...back to this,


My son turns 16 on Thursday and I can't even believe I'm here. He's only 16 but sees things I never did. He has his issues and doesn't know what he doesn't know but is so ahead of the curve with what he does know. I am so impressed by his ability to be himself because I was never able to. He is in the drama club and acts fearlessly in plays. I was the lead in a play in 6th grade and wouldn't hold a girl's hand for a scene. He took his shirt off and owned it. He spends hours writing for competitions and studying for his upcoming parts. He's passionate about being who you are. He has so many friends that he was elected home coming prince. His outlook is refreshing and I know I was an ingredient but I would be foolish and naïve to think I was the reason. Seriously, I'm just happy and feel lucky that in spite of what I am he's reaching another level. That part is partially my fault. I preach even though I don't have the credentials to be yourself and do what your passionate about. But also you need to be good at it. My oldest son Alex is good at math so why not incorporate that into his passion. Listening to Hank Williams Jr. and hear someone say they don't like it. I will say his dad was one of the biggest contributors to music but still love Jr. My point is just because I love rap doesn't mean I can't also love country. Why not? 

I'm going to end this because I've already alienated myself from just about everyone. A rap loving country boy only exists in my perverted version of life. As I end this Willie Nelson "don't let your babies grow up to be Cowboys" plays on Pandora. This song is in my DNA. Nevermind, it'll take too long to explain.

Cancer again?

It's 8:28am November 5th, 2015. I just got off the phone with my mom and it was bad news. I know what some are thinking, I thought your mom died? My mother died yes but my mom is still alive. You see, back in  4th grade in the 1985 my brother Michael, my sister Michelle, and myself all lived with my mother and her boyfriend Paul. At the time we lived in San Bernardino on Porter street. We lived at 1942 Porter street for a few years and I'll have to tell a story about when a helicopter landed in our backyard and one of my mom's boyfriend's friends was dragged out of our backyard by the cops. They beat the crap out of him and he was bleeding when they slammed him into the back of the car. But anyways, we moved down the street to 1975 Porter street and that's where our lives changed forever. When we lived at 1942 Porter we went to California elementary school but when we moved down the street we started going to Muscoy elementary school. Well, I was spending the night at a friends house and my mom never came to pick me up. After a few weeks my friend's mom asked if I had other family I could call. Luckily I remembered my grandma's phone number. A few days later my aunt Debbie came to pick me up and we went to live with them. I can't remember where that was at but it didn't last long. My aunt Debbie and her husband Ken used to party a lot and they couldn't take care of my sister and I. My brother Michael had already gone to live with my grandma because my mom's boyfriend had hit him in the mouth with a beer bottle and broke his tooth. He didn't hit him on purpose, he just missed hitting my mom with it when she ducked and it hit my brother. My aunt Debbie who is my mother Lenora's sister called her brother Dennis to come and pick us up. Dennis' wife is Shirley and that's my mom. She wasn't always my mom which I'll explain but here it is 30 years later and after just speaking with her I appreciate her and love her a lot. Anyways, I remember the day Dennis, Shirley, and Shirely's kids Tina and Joe came to pick my sister and I up. They drove this brown and white station wagon that had seats in the very back that faced the opposite direction. So you actually looked at the people behind you when you were driving. I remember that April day like it was yesterday. As we drove away from my aunt Debbie's house I wondered what was in store for us. What would our lives be like.

At the time Dennis and Shirley lived in Whittier in an apartment. We used to play with the Tina and Joe and other kids in the complex. We'd climb and run on the roofs and around the entire complex. It was a lot of fun. But my favorite was watching movies. They had this beta player which is like a VHS but smaller. Think HDDVD and Blue Ray. Blue Ray won and no more HDDVD. Same thing happened back in the 80s with Beta. But they had many Beta movies and up until then I hadn't even seen a vcr. We would watch movies that up until then I hadn't even heard of like Commando, Rambo, Goonies, Breakfast Club, and Karate Kid. They didn't put us in school the rest of that year after moving so we just hung out at the apartment. At first everything was perfect. We ate good and watched movies and had fun with all the local kids. My sister Michelle had to spend a lot of time studying with my aunt/mom Shirley because she was behind and wouldn't get to go to the next grade without learning to read better and math. Shirley spend countless hours helping. Shortly after moving in with them we moved to Pomona where we lived in a house off of Garey avenue and Arrow highway at I think 2233 Las Vegas avenue. Our house was the only one whose garage opened to Garey avenue. It actually opened to a car wash and behind that was a McDonalds, Taco Bell, New York Pizza, Stater Bros. I just looked at Google maps and the New York pizza place is now a Juan Pollo and the Stater Bros. is now a Dollar General Market. Funny thing is my cousin Joe and I got caught stealing candy bars from the Stater Bros. when I was in 5th grade. Very embarrassing. I started 5th grade at San Jose elementary school and I was a kid with issues. But that's a different story. I want to focus on my mom. For many years after we went to live with Dennis and Shirley I was an angry kid. In 5th grade I had a teacher Mrs. Barbee. She gave me detention for talking in class and I lost it. I threw a chair at her and they called my parents. Dennis and Shirley came to the school and Dennis beat my butt with the principal's paddle and then made me go to the class and apologize. This was a whole new world to me. I mean my mom's boyfriend Paul used to beat us but this was different. Life was not always easy. There were plenty of times when we would go to the LA fairgrounds and watch the races or go on rides or go to pizza. But there were plenty others when life was not easy. Rules were strict. Before we could go out and play on Saturdays we had to make sure our laundry was done, beds made, and our clothes were in the right drawer. I resented Shirley for a long time.  I blamed her for my mom not coming back and I didn't like the rules. I went to 5th and 6th grade at San Jose and then part of 7th grade at Palomares Junior High schoool before we moved to Phelan.

It wasn't until years later that I realized how much Dennis and Shirley actually did for us. Shirley was relentless. There was no let up. And she always caught us whenever we tried to get away with anything. I don't remember ever getting away with anything. We used to go to the First Assembly of God church on Arrow highway Wednesday's and Sunday's and I remember that is when they were proud of me. When I started getting noticed for the work I was doing at church they would show me love. So I reached out that way because it felt good. But I remember sitting in church not understanding how people were speaking in Tongues. I remember thinking how come God is speaking through all of these people but not me? But I look back and the lessons that they taught me were huge. Dennis was my uncle being my mother's brother but Shirley didn't have to do any of this. She had her two kids and now she was taking in 3 more kids that each had deep rooted issues. My brother was white, I'm half Mexican, and my sister is half black. I can't imagine what people thought when they looked at our family. I also don't know how they made it work. 5 kids to eat clothe and support must have been such a burden. I look back at my dad Dennis and I remember how selfless he was. He never had new shoes and hardly ever bought himself anything. He just got up everyday and went to work but as a kid I didn't appreciate that. But it wasn't until way later in life where I actually realized what Shirley(my mom) had done for me. The skills, discipline, respect, and appreciation she taught me were huge. I would not be anywhere close to where I am today without her. I might not be the most successful person but I've achieved more than I ever thought was possible. My 3 kids are healthy and mature because I was able to take what she taught me and apply it.

The reason I'm writing this is because she called me this morning and told me she has cancer again. She just finished fighting breast cancer and had to have one of her breasts removed. While she was going through it she was still taking care of kids and doing the things that you would only believe if you witnessed it. She's in her 60s now and she still takes care of 2 of my sister's kids, my other sister Tina's son, and her brother Joe's son. She doesn't know how to quit or stop helping. She raised another one of our cousins and then raised 3 other cousins. The selflessness was flowing in our household just between Shirley and Dennis. They hardly ever left on their own it was all about family. So she calls me this morning and tells me that she has lung cancer. Now, she never smoked when we were kids. She didn't start until my dad Dennis died a few years ago. After that she started to smoke because she was both stressed and depressed. He was everything in her world. I mean they had their issues and faught here and there but they loved each other completely. She also said that it's spread to part of her heart. So now after losing my mother last month my mom is now fighting for her life. In typical Shirley fashion she's going to fight it. The first doctor she talked to wouldn't do the surgery so she's looking for another. Since it's moved to her heart it'll be hard to do chemo so they have to operate and take the tumor out. It's very risky because of where it's at. I'm so very sad right now. For years I wanted both her and Dennis to move back out to CA from Oklahoma and retire. But they felt their work was not done. It still amazed me though how positive she sounded this morning. We still talked about other things but I know she's scared. I love her a lot and if anyone can beat it she will. I'll stay positive and hope for the best. But I will be talking to her a lot because she's the last parent I have.