Yesterday, my mom had surgery to remove part of her lung because of cancer. She's the last of my parents after losing my mother (Lenora) three months ago and I'm caught off guard by this situation. Shirley (mom) just beat breast cancer after having a breast removed. She barely complained, and I could not hear any difference in her voice before, during, or after chemo.
Right before the surgery we had to prepare for the worst. If she died during surgery she was content with that. She didn't want that but prepared for it. But during surgery they discovered that the Cancer had spread and now was the size of a fist. They couldn't do the surgery.
This is hard to write.
Losing her during surgery was such a worry. We prepared for it by talking for hours on the phone and making sure we were good with each other. She sent her love to the kids and was hopeful they would remove the cancer. I am so happy I have another day with her but that meant no surgery will help her. There was little chance of success so she can choose being terminal or have to go through chemo, again.
Chemo is the only option. She could do nothing and wait for the tumor to take her but she's a fighter. She's going to go through chemo, again. She's always been one of the toughest people I've ever known, along with my dad. I know right! Having both of them was hard to live up to.
As a child she was intimidating. Just her being mad scared me. But no matter what I went through as a child I hold no anger or resentment towards her. Without the bad the good would not be possible. And the good outweighs the bad exponentially.
Without this woman Shirley, none of my current life would be possible. I'm not joking. When I lived with my mother until 4th grade I was already getting into trouble. Fighting all of the time and already experimenting with alcohol, cigarettes, and marijuana. Shirley gave part of herself to get the message through to me that I needed to live a certain way.
She's an intense woman and to this day she doesn't fuck around.
My kids laugh and enjoy wondering how that can be possible, because La La is such an amazing grandma. She's also been an amazing mom. Ever since her and my dad told me that we should forget the past and move on things were/are awesome. They told me after I finished boot camp that I was an adult and they would treat me like one.
They never went back on that promise.
That, is why I believe I was able to grow up. Them treating me like a peer made me want to reach new heights just to make them proud. In their eyes I've done great and they've said it. In my eyes I've failed greatly. Unable to take care of it all. Unable to give my dad the burial he deserved at Rose Hills. Unable to achieve what I was capable of despite having the abilities. Witnessing others achieve more and at times with less ability. Those inabilities drive me to this day.
I don't really have resentment except for maybe having to start from way behind, and at myself for being lazy. I hold none towards my parents. Although my dad has passed, he lives with me every day. I will live today with the love, potential, hope, and most importantly the PASSION that I was taught to exhibit.
Thank you Shirley Jones for your support, love, passion, intensity, dedication, and heart through all of these years with no reward. I'm asking for the powers that be to look over you in our time in need. We love you, and we all have faith in the plan. Nothing can take away from your impact on our lives. Thank you and I promise to live in your honor today and God willing going forward. I Love you
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