I will get strong again

The positive side of going through a tough time in your life is that you learn who is there for you when your at your best and who is there for you always. I've never been a great husband. I don't know if it's because I grew up in broken homes, whether I'm insecure, or if I'm just a crappy husband. I do know that no matter how much of a douche I've been my wife has always been there. Even when she found I cheated on her with our neighbor she still had my back. I have a couple of friends that are the same way and of course my kids always have my back. I don't mean to be a douche in my relationship I'm just a sucker for a woman. That I know is from my childhood. Being introduced to sex at such a young age has me craving it. It's like an addiction. Some people are addicted to alcohol while I'm addicted to naked women. Is that just totally sick? Probably, but I'm just being honest. In this day and age of so much political correctness we as people are sometimes afraid to be mortal and weak. I constantly work to suppress those desires and focus on things that are constructive instead.

What I do know is that I am weak right now I will ultimately be strong again. I'm very resilient and I also strive to become a better person. As I was laying in bed with the wife watching netflix I find that I'm not a cuddler. But instead of fighting it I just try to enjoy what she enjoys. Although I'd rather be out doing something like the beach, fishing, camping, hiking, instead I watched Netflix with the wife. I even baked cookies! I feel like a little bitch sometimes being so damn domesticated. I feel like my alter ego would be a dj at a strip club. "Can i get a warm round of applause for the next dancer coming to the stage, bambi". I mean who really cares right? What the fuck are we doing here anyways. Our society in the US is a complete mess. Half the people hate the President and want him to be impeached because he tweeted inappropriately while the other half just didn't want Hillary Clinton to be President. Why is it a crime to admit I'm a degenerate and that I like to look at and hang out with naked women? I know I know, your a perv danny.

Anyways, back to reality. I do know that I don't give up and I strive to be a better person. When will I learn who is there for my best interests and? Well, who are just there because I'm naturally a giving person. Now that I don't have as much to give the phone calls are less and the friends fewer.

I do have great days

I know i tend to get negative. I talk about the struggles because I hate to brag or boast. On a daily basis I do enjoy life. I'm that guy in the grocery store or anywhere trying to make people smile. I don't know why I come off as depressed and militant. I don't mean too. I think I see reality and I project it.

But, I had an amazing day today. Best day in a long time. I started a new job, and that has had me down for a while. The Dodgers also made some great moves. I'll write about that separately.  thought that I had made a mistake leaving one company for another. I tried desperately to go back but, they wouldn't take me. I got depressed and stressed. I didn't see eye to eye with the owner. He took money out of my paycheck even though I'm salary. My wife called me out and when I spoke up I was the douche. I made the owners mom cry because she works there too and tried to call me out on things. I could have sued them but because I don't believe in that I was the bad guy for bringing it to their attention. His mom's opinion was that they should be able to dock my pay if they feel like it. I should be happy he signs my paycheck is what she said. I think differently. I feel you should appreciate and respect your employees and for the most part they will respect and appreciate you. Today, I started a new job. Continuing my career as a Systems Engineer. It was probably, no it was the best first day ever. I have a lot to learn and it's not going to be easy to succeed. But, is it ever? Do we want it any other way? Ok, we might want it easier. But, I guarantee you that you don't appreciate it unless you have to work hard for it. 

I promise to appreciate what I have, most of the time. But, I also will continue to be honest and real. Life will always be tough and that's how it's suppose to be. It's a journey and a test. In over 2000 years nobody has figured it out. Even the richest found riches are not the goal. If you find the true goal? Call me, I'd really like to know.

Man up Danny and quit crying

Although I do believe I'm going through some sort of mid life crisis. Or at least starting to realize how many more years I have to work before retiring and just burned out. But, I am one who has trouble giving up. There might be a dark night but always a bright day after that. After I hit my lowest a couple of weeks ago I decided to change up some things. I had taken this new job as operations manager and it's overwhelming. The owner is a bit of a micro manager. Even having his mom who works at the front desk text him when I leave. For me that's a problem. As someone who is supposed to be running the company I don't need or appreciate someone trying to monitor me. I work many times when I'm not at the office and unless you're going to do my job don't try to assess how I should be doing things. Once I realized I have difference in opinion on how things should be run I realized this was not going to work out for me.

I decided to move on. I realized I did not owe anyone anything and should make myself happy and do what's best for me and my family. I was able to get a new position with another company within a couple of weeks and giving my notice today. For less responsibility and pressure I was able to get 10k dollars more a year and still have a company car. Top notch benefits with 401k matching, etc. I feel bad for the company I'm leaving but maybe companies should appreciate their employees more or risk losing them.

I need to cement this moment in time in my brain. Tell myself to make the best of the next stop and not get emotional about work. As I get older I'm not as resiliant to being down and I don't have as much patience for BS. I need to stay positive and work hard. Most of us have no choice but to work. I also need to stop being a big vagina! I whine and complain too much and I need to realize people are really suffering in the world. Stop being a little bitch Danny. Rise up and realize how good you actually got it.

I do know the root of my issues, and it's my own fault. My dumb ass bought a Lexus 3 years ago. I knew I wasn't ready to buy it but wanted to impress my wife. Now, I still have 2 years left on the car and it's dragging me down. I don't have much disposable income right now and it's taking away from being able to relax on my time off. I enjoy golfing, camping, Vegas, etc. I'm not able to do these things because I was a dumb ass and got myself in debt. Now, instead of crying about it I just need to focus and get it resolved. Also, learn from this for the next time. I think many of us do this. We run up our debt and then we're stressed about not having enough money to pay the debt off. I've realized that I need to save money and avoid big purchases. Having a cushion and extra cash is the better way to live. I just hope I listen to myself this time instead of going out and buying that Mazerati I want. Stay humble and drive a Honda Accord instead of a Lexus or Mazerati. Honestly, cars always get old and are not worth paying a big price for. Life is all about enjoyment and peace. The more stress and angst you add to your life? You're only going to add stress to your life.

My midlife crisis

I woke up this morning and after making breakfast for the family I took the dog for a walk. Then, I walked out to the parking lot with my son so he could practice driving. The car was gone! It wasn't stolen, we just didn't move it to a different spot in visitor parking after 24 hours and they towed it. It's my fault, yes I know. No excuses. $350 dollars to get it out tomorrow and it just added to my feelings of being done with all this shit. After living in a house for years it's been hard to get used to apartment living.

Look, maybe I'm a whiner. But, I've paid taxes for 24 years and at 40 years old I'm looking at another 27 years until I qualify for social security. For many years I was just happy to be alive and enjoyed the little things. Now, I'm hitting a wall. On top of the towing cost today my other son's car had his water pump go out and my car wouldn't complete smog. It didn't fail just wouldn't pass. My point is that sometimes it feels like everything that can go wrong goes wrong. I feel like I'm a pretty good person, but my karma feels fucked! All of this while trying to start a business also has me stressed out and ready to give up.

As a father of three I feel I've done my job and maybe even too much, which can be a bad thing. I wasn't father of the year but I raised my kids with love. The oldest is 23, middle is 19, and the youngest 17. But, my goals as a father are to send three well adjusted happy and productive adults into the world. Knowing the balance between too much and too little is sometimes a fine line. In some families it's common for children to have a comfortable childhood experience which extends into four years of paid college. Other families it's out to work before they're 18 and college is barely a dream. I wanted to try and get them through college and ready to show passion and enthusiasm in an area they love and have a skill for. Not saddling them with insecurities and anxieties. Allowing them to focus on their goals instead. Without coddling or allowing them to feel entitled. Like it's all owed to them.

I left for boot camp 4 days after I turned 18. I left my aunt and uncles house at 16. They had raised me since I was in 4th grade. I'm one of those kids where college was maybe a dream. When I went to live with my aunt and uncle at 9 years old I hadn't even heard of college. I was already drinking beer, smoking pot, and watching live porn in a communal environment. To be honest, My aunt and uncle deserve awards for making my brother, sister, and I functional adults. I was an angry lost soul when I went to live with them. I believe they kicked my ass in efforts to help me avoid getting arrested. I also believe it took away from what they already had planned for their own two children. I admire them, respect them, and appreciate their sacrifice. I don't even dare think about where I'd be without them. I only brought all of that up to explain some situations are different than others.

While my aunt and uncle who I consider my parents did the best they could they had their own challenges. Taking on three extra children would throw anyone's life into a wobble. I believe they sacrificed their own comfortable lifestyle. Adding the needs of three additional children brought burdens that I didn't realize as a kid. Now, I try to repay them by paying it forward to my children. Remembering the lessons I learned and trying to instill it in them without having to endure sleeping in a car with their brother and sister with no blankets. Having to hold each other to keep warm. Ensuring the basic fundamentals of a home.

Fast forward to today and I miss the good ol days. Although I always had the chance of getting my ass kicked it was nothing compared to having the weight of responsibility on your shoulders. Feeling inadequate for not doing or giving enough. Or coming up short financially. It's a demoralizing feeling. Add to that the sense of impending doom for the rest of society based on what I observe on news outlets. Good thing I know a different reality. But knowing how different I think than others has me discouraged and doubtful. People are feeling the financial squeeze and their actions are proof of that. People are freaking out and making last stands before they eventually just kill themselves. It's not only going to continue to happen but it's going to get worse. I won't even attempt that I have made all great decisions. This isn't a financial lesson, just an overall assessment of our economic situation in America. I'm sure other countries are not surprised. America is a young country and now the luster is off. It's time for it to settle in right next to the rest. No more manifest destiny. A man used to be able to pay the bills for his family with only one paycheck. It now takes two paychecks simply to survive. If i see this already happening how am I supposed to feel excited for the future? Instead, I find myself excited for my exit. Ready to disappear to hopefully a house on a lake where I can live peacefully for the rest of my life without the capitalistic philosophies of today's society.