I give up. I don't know how else to say it. Sometimes we just have to admit we're powerless against something. I just can't do it any longer. I haven't been able to for a while now, yet I continue to will myself to do it. I'm not trying to paint myself as some kind of saint. I'm far from it and don't even actually hide it. I've admitted to being a pig on many occasions. I have changed a lot over the years. But some things I either don't want to change or maybe I don't even realize it's an issue. Coming from humble beginnings my goals were often tempered. It wasn't until I met a woman who already had a child where I changed. It was always inevitable though. My desire of women and my propensity to try and rescue was a disaster from the beginning. Meeting this woman who already had a child spoke to me subconsciously. At 19 years old my mind not yet mature enough to understand the significance of the situation. A combination of love and desires and before you know it we are a family. The three of us against the world is how I looked at it. Soon after, a young son. Then 23 months later another son. Before you know it we're a family of 5 and I'm only 23 years old. From that day forward I have slowly, very slowly I became a better person. I've cheated, lied, drove drunk. Been completely clueless as a husband and a father. But I never gave up. When I fall down I get back up. It motivates me to work harder and learn faster. Before I knew it I'm 40 years old and I have kids that are 22, 19, and 17 years old. I can't believe how fast time has gone by. I've learned so much and I am so thankful for the lessons and love. I've gone from an angry, insecure, naive, child to a much more aware individual. But I can't do it any longer. I can't be daddy anymore. Especially since my wife is never on my team when it comes to my kids.
Look, I'll never get any or deserve any father of the year awards. But sometimes parenting isn't about awards. Sometimes you have to be the bad guy, because kids don't know what they don't know. If i can have one thing that I have stood by is that I truly love and want the best for my children. When you have a spouse who does not agree with what that means, the journey can then become arduous. While I always dreamed of a white picket fence like everyone else did I never actually believed it was possible. It's one of the reasons I never wanted kids before meeting my wife. I'm a sabotager. I didn't know it then but i was. A sabotager is someone who instead of accepting happiness tries to sabotage it before it ends for other reasons. In my mind I wasn't good enough. Family didn't have enough money, wasn't smart enough, tall enough, white enough, funny enough. Instead of realizing i had met one of the coolest people in Hawaii and could truly be and deserve to be, happy. Instead i pushed her away with all my power. Cheating and drinking, partying and working. Everything except building my partnership. When our kids began to grow it was easy. Kids just want to make you proud and happy. They don't actually want to disappoint you. You guide them and teach them. Love them and appreciate them. Respect them and they will adore you. I began to have these little friends that were also my kids. Playing games like Monopoly and Risk and learning on the fly. Coaching each of their sports teams and even letting my daughter paint my toe nails. Teaching them to walk, talk, read, fish, bat, snowboard, drive, etc. while also trying to explain to them the gray areas and the importance of work ethic. At times I'm intense and other times i cant be serious.
My wife is Disneyland mom. She just wants them to love her. She can't stand it if they're mad at her. An example is that my 19 year old son has two gym passes and i have none. He has an LA fitness pass and full use of the facilities at UC Irvine. She got it for him when he was in high school and he told her he needed to lift weights more to get more playing time on the basketball team. My voice saying that he should maybe just practice harder and longer and that he didn't need a gym pass. All of a sudden I'm an asshole of a dad and my son ends up with a gym pass anyways. What do you do if you're in a relationship with someone who does it anyways, even if you say no. I sometimes think it's because we're from different sides of the tracks. In my opinion she's a bit entitled and has an attitude like she's owed something. It somehow worked out to where we're complete opposites so our message ended up in the middle somewhere. Although my sons are a little on the entitled side they have good hearts and seem to be healthy mentally. I try to keep it real with my kids so trust me, they tell me when they dont agree with my methods.
That right there is why I'm done. Some parents are gone their kids entire childhood. They come back when the kids an adult and are still loved. Other parents get divorced and have visitation agreements involving their kids. Although we did get divorced for a couple of years. We remarried and have actually been married longer the second time than we were the first time. But i think the gig is up now. I've compromised and sacrificed as much as I think i can. The reason i know is because i'm slowly disappearing into depression. I feel like my life is out of control because it is. At any time my wife has the power to destroy me. She could hypothetically call the cops and tell them i'm being erratic and i would have to leave. Lately, I've been growing frustrated with my children. Not so much my daughter. Although she's not biologically mine she's the most like me. She makes things happen. She doesn't wait for something she goes and gets it. I've taught her she's responsible for her own future and success. My regret is that maybe i didnt let her tell me who she was as a person. Instead trying to teach her what's required to thrive in our society. She was a girly girl and i put Laker track suits on her and took her snowboarding. She needs to relax more though. She's way too serious and im afraid she's not enjoying the moment. But my sons just don't get it sometimes. My 19 year old has to be reminded constantly to take the trash out. That and picking up dog shit are his only jobs. He drives a car i bought, i pay his gas, insurance, phone, gym pass. In two weeks he'll have a macbook pro. His mom will ensure that happens. He'll still fail to take the trash out. He'll still go over a month without picking up dog shit. The accountability is gone. It's only entitlement now. I owe it to him now somehow? When i turn his phone off i'm the bad guy and my wife and i argue. For years i didn't care. I would stick by my values. I would hold them accountable even though she was saying i was ridiculous, right in front of the kids. No unified front at all. Nights sleeping in my car because i blew up and screamed. Upset because the trash cans were not taken out again and now they are full with trash day a week away. When i had my chevy silverado it wasn't too bad. But with a sedan and an suv it's uncomfortable. I won't bring my friends into it so i cant stay at their houses. If she found out she'd make them regret it. Been there done that. But there i would be, alone in my car in the walmart parking lot. They're at home in the warm house hugging and she's saying she loves them and will always be there for them. Yet I'm the one grinding every day to take them to school, going to work, coming home many times to cook. All of a sudden once again im the bad guy and shes the hero. All because i said he didn't need a gym pass and she bought it anyways. Why do i not deserve enough respect to just be talked to on many things. It's as if she enjoys doing things that she knows will upset me. Is it payback for things i did way back?
That right there is why I'm done. Some parents are gone their kids entire childhood. They come back when the kids an adult and are still loved. Other parents get divorced and have visitation agreements involving their kids. Although we did get divorced for a couple of years. We remarried and have actually been married longer the second time than we were the first time. But i think the gig is up now. I've compromised and sacrificed as much as I think i can. The reason i know is because i'm slowly disappearing into depression. I feel like my life is out of control because it is. At any time my wife has the power to destroy me. She could hypothetically call the cops and tell them i'm being erratic and i would have to leave. Lately, I've been growing frustrated with my children. Not so much my daughter. Although she's not biologically mine she's the most like me. She makes things happen. She doesn't wait for something she goes and gets it. I've taught her she's responsible for her own future and success. My regret is that maybe i didnt let her tell me who she was as a person. Instead trying to teach her what's required to thrive in our society. She was a girly girl and i put Laker track suits on her and took her snowboarding. She needs to relax more though. She's way too serious and im afraid she's not enjoying the moment. But my sons just don't get it sometimes. My 19 year old has to be reminded constantly to take the trash out. That and picking up dog shit are his only jobs. He drives a car i bought, i pay his gas, insurance, phone, gym pass. In two weeks he'll have a macbook pro. His mom will ensure that happens. He'll still fail to take the trash out. He'll still go over a month without picking up dog shit. The accountability is gone. It's only entitlement now. I owe it to him now somehow? When i turn his phone off i'm the bad guy and my wife and i argue. For years i didn't care. I would stick by my values. I would hold them accountable even though she was saying i was ridiculous, right in front of the kids. No unified front at all. Nights sleeping in my car because i blew up and screamed. Upset because the trash cans were not taken out again and now they are full with trash day a week away. When i had my chevy silverado it wasn't too bad. But with a sedan and an suv it's uncomfortable. I won't bring my friends into it so i cant stay at their houses. If she found out she'd make them regret it. Been there done that. But there i would be, alone in my car in the walmart parking lot. They're at home in the warm house hugging and she's saying she loves them and will always be there for them. Yet I'm the one grinding every day to take them to school, going to work, coming home many times to cook. All of a sudden once again im the bad guy and shes the hero. All because i said he didn't need a gym pass and she bought it anyways. Why do i not deserve enough respect to just be talked to on many things. It's as if she enjoys doing things that she knows will upset me. Is it payback for things i did way back?
If it is I'm over it. I'm old enough and wise enough to know once the respect is gone it's gone. I've been there and done that. She's still a beautiful woman and I'm amazed at how beautiful i still think she still is. But you get to a certain age and it doesn't matter. I want real. I want someone who values what i value but is still an individual with dreams and goals. But that would be if i was to go back in time and do it again. I had my chance, two actually. I fucked it up, royally. I also have 3 awesome kids that i love and want to be there for. But once you go down the entitlement road it's hard to change it. Eventually all good things come to an end. My youngest son is a junior in high school and turns 18 in january. I hope i have the patience, courage, knowledge, and vision to make the right choices to ensure i do what's sincerely best for my family.
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