I lasted 3 months

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is disappointment in myself and I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. My wife is a close second and my apologies for that jab. Maybe I'm feeling irritable lately. But mostly I'm just upset with myself. I'm so easily distracted it's frustrating. It's hard not to get distracted though. I have a daughter that just had a baby and a son that starts at a UC in the Fall. I have no idea how we're going to pay 23,000 dollars a year but I'm not going to let that keep him from going. He is guaranteed to graduate with over a 4.0 and has worked very hard to get accepted. I try to stay focused and handle my business but I get distracted. It's my adhd and I'm not a great multi-tasker. I feel that if you are doing 2 things at once then you are only doing each at 50%. I prefer to focus on one thing. Anyways, I digress...


I lasted 3 months without drinking. I didn't stop because of any reason besides health. For 3 months I felt level and didn't have to worry about waking up feeling crappy because i drank the night before. I tried my best not to make it a big deal but at times it was. When people ask you if you would like a drink and you decline they get curious. When you tell someone you stopped drinking they instantly want to know the reason. Now all of a sudden it's a topic. There were numerous people that felt Awkward hanging out because of me not drinking. I feel like I can hang without alcohol but maybe I'm not as fun? I'm not much fun these days anyways. I mean I can tell a few jokes and I enjoy my days but my life is so damn serious these days. So after having 2 beers with the wife one night before I left for a week on a business trip I went downhill. The Friday after that I had 3 Stone Delicious IPAs (gluten free) and a couple shots. The following week I drank Thursday and Friday. Now, here we are the following Friday and my wife is already asking me to get her some Guinness and shots.


It all makes me so disappointed in myself. I was so focused on my goal of getting healthier and even getting under 200 pounds by my 40th birthday. Here it is late April and I'd have to go to some sort of boot camp to achieve my goal. I should only write about rainbows and butterflies. Or whatever people would want to read. Instead I try to be real and sometimes that's fucking depressing. Most of the time I promise I'm smiling and just thankful to be in the game. These last few weeks I've been really questioning many things. I seriously should just be happy and not complain. I truly am lucky. But until I wake the fuck up and get my act together I'm going to keep kicking my ass. And that's the part that I'm trying to figure out. Should I just ignore my conscience and just enjoy life and indulge? Or should I be strong and do what I have to do to stay healthy? Seems like a fucking no brainer.

Passion is contagious

Passion is something we all need to strive. Without it our lives lack meaning. We can have purpose. But purpose alone does not fulfill us. We have to be passionate about our purpose. With so many people having issues with others that have no desire to be a part of the functional part of life, it's because they lack passion. I can't blame them. Like the singer said, it's all been done before. Or at least that's what they think. We're raised to assume a role. In school we're taught the same things in masses. But in order to discover greatness you have to be different and think different.


In many ways I never had a chance to realize this. I'm not here to complain and blame, I hope I'm past that in my short life. I had kids at a young age. Before I could realize what I am capable of. I see others that were maybe probably nurtured and allowed to develop individuality. Others just did it against all of the odds. Even though they were brought in environments where they should have quit, instead they still thrive. I'm not disappointed in what I've become. I've already reached levels I never thought were possible. Even at 39 years old I have already accomplished more than I ever knew was a possibility. But I don't want this to be about me. I'm only trying to explain that we can't blame people for what they don't know. This life is a journey and we must travel alone. Each of us has a mission we are here to accomplish. Although it's very likely we'll never know what it is, we all have an opportunity to achieve it.


I do know that with passion and purpose I have found that I can't imagine not searching for my meaning. The reason why I'm here. Although at times I run low on energy, knowing that I can possibly find that lightning in a bottle moment drives me. I don't know when or if I found it but I know that if I could motivate one person to know it's possible then I've done what I can. Don't get me wrong. I've had to fake it till I make it many times. Convincing myself that i'm passionate about something just to motivate myself. Only to find that I had the drive within me all along.


I believe everything happens for a reason. I believe that having kids early was a subconscious decision I made. It sparked me. Without it I don't know if I would have made anything of myself. But looking in their Eyes? I know I have no choice but to get out there and work to thrive. And I can honestly say I wouldn't have it any other way.

Hillary for President?

How can you vote for Hillary?

The Presidency should be reserved for the highest of high in achievements. To be selected you should have had to done exceedingly well in your career and life. So why are so many people considering Hillary when this does not describe her at all? Don't get me wrong, she has done well in her life. But what has she done so great to deserve the United States of America's highest honor? Let me see if I can point out a few of the reasons and then explain why the reAson is laughable.

The first reason and biggest reason is because people in America seem to enjoy rooting for firsts. Hillary would be the first woman president in America and so I believe millions of women want to vote for her just because she's a woman. To me that's so sexist and insecure of women. Women should wait for a real female candidate instead of voting for the wrong one. If missions of men vote for a man specifically because he is a man that would be considered sexist. But when women do it it's considered feminism. In my opinion that's the only reason women could be considering Hillary for president. She has not exceeded at any part of her career. Not only has she not exceeded but controversy has also followed her.

People are also voting foe her because of the success of Bill Clinton. It's absolutely absurd to vote for her because of the perceived success of her husband. Bill was a cool president but I would argue against his success as president as well. It's a different subject but I will note his embarrassing scandal of Monica Lewinski. As well as allowing to give loans to millions of people without having to actually prove their income. Directly causing the housing crash of 2008. Add to that he was also part of the Whitewater scandal. What he was is lucky. He was fortunate and lucky to be the president during the beginning of a new age and industry of computers. So voting for Hillary because of Bill is ridiculous.

I will look directly at her barely positive career. Eight years as the first lady hardly qualifies as experience. Especially since that was another point of continued controversy in her life and career. Although no charges were brought against her Whitewater continues to be a questionable part of her past. After her term as senator she was elected Secretary of State. Once again she was part of controversy. In my opinion her lack of regard to confidential information alone should disqualify her. She sent thousands of confidential emails through her personal email account endangering thousands of lives. Including the Benghazi deaths. She then completely lied about the entire situation under oath. Their is video on Youtube of her lying about sending emails and laughing about it. This shows her lack of integrity and how little she values the average American.

On top of that is the Clinton foundation. Once again Hillary is part of a controversy. Now it is with her and her husband's foundation. Although she has not been charged with anything yet the Clinton foundation is another example of why Clinton not only does not deserve to become president but why she can't even be trusted as an official. Of the 140 million dollars the foundation received in pledges in 2013 only 9.4 million went to direct aid. The foundation is treated more like a slush fund for The Clinton family and friends than as an actual non-profit. The Clinton foundation and Hillary herself is currently under investigation by the FBI. There are numerous examples of a minimum of conflict of interest with her foundation and her time as secretary of state.

I'm not advocating for Hillary Clinton to do jail time or that she has not been successful. I'm only saying that she has done nothing to deserve being appointed to the highest honor the United States has to offer. There is a saying "where there is smoke there's fire". It is completely naive to think that with all of this controversy that has followed Clinton that she is not responsible for some part of it. In my opinion for all of these people to continue to support her for president just shows the lack of integrity missions of Americans also have. To support someone of Hillary's character shows the lack of knowledge many Americans have for not only the political process but also for being informed of reality. America already has integrity issues when it comes to politics, let's not make that even worse by electing Hillary Clinton as President. Our citizens deserve to have a leader that embodies what represents us as a nation. That's not a person who refuses to acknowledge any responsibility in any of her wrongdoings. While also lying about her involvement in any of them. Benghazi just being one example of how she failed not only the American people but innocent people who lost their lives.

Welcome to Edinburgh

Welcome to Edinburgh

I recently began a three week stay in the beautiful city of Edinburgh, Scotland. Here is what I've experienced.

I've been in Edinburgh now for a little less than two weeks and I'm staying at the Best Western Bruntsfield. During the day I'm working just outside town and in the evenings I'm mostly sticking to myself at my hotel room. Not because I'm anti social but because it's a bit cold here in February. As much as a reason it's also an excuse. On Saturday I did make it out for a walk around town. It rained a bit and the wind was cold but the people I've met here have made up for the cold with their warmth.

In 10 days I've encountered only one person that hasn't been delightful. I'm not saying that one person was rude or anything just not delightful. That's how ridiculously nice everyone in Edinburgh has been. It makes me believe that I have made a great decision with the new job I have taken. But this isn't about me. I just want to take a moment to express how much I appreciate how I've been treated since arriving here.

I've traveled many places both domestic and international. It's usually the same thing where I arrive in town and either rent a car or take a taxi or public transportation to the hotel. So when my company had me picked up at the airport I was already surprised. And the taxi driver was the one person not pleasant. Not unpleasant just not delightful and there's nothing wrong with that. I think we started off on the wrong foot. My flight was late and I had to go through customs. When I received his call me asked me to meet him in a specific location. When he walked up behind me I realized I wasn't where he wanted me to be. So I'll take the responsibility for his frustration. Anyways, he dropped me off at the office and in his defense he at least has remembered my name in the additional times he's given me a ride.

I walk into the office and the first person I'm greeted by is the same person that planned my travel itinerary. Heather is such a pleasant woman and has made me feel so welcome. I had been traveling for 17 hours since Sunday at 7am and since Edinburgh is eight hours ahead of California it was now Monday at 8am. I am given an access card to get through the door and offered refreshments and fruit. By 1pm my eyes are burning and I'm getting tired. At about that time Heather comes through the door and tells us the taxi is on its way and they're going to let us go back to the hotel and get some rest. Once back at the hotel we find the rooms already paid for with no issues. I head to my room and pass out. I wake up around 5pm and try to stay awake so that I'm not waking up in the middle of the night. But I give in and sleep more. But now here I am after a couple of weeks and I'm getting used to the time change. I've also felt taken care of by everyone I've encountered.

What I've noticed about the people here in Edinburgh is that everyone seems so genuine and delightful. Not just Edinburgh either. I've met some guys from Glasgow and they were also super nice. Yesterday I was golfing at St. Andrews and this really good guy Greg that I went there with were golfing with this gentleman and his girlfriend. St one point he offered me a drink from his Evian bottle. I declined but almost said yes because I was so thirsty. I said no because I felt dumb for not bringing water and felt I needed to endure the rest of the round on the Strathtryum course without it.

From each of the taxi drivers to all of my coworkers and even the hotel staff everyone has been remarkably courteous, engaging, and genuinely interested in me as an individual. Three of my favorite people have been Julie, Fiona, and Stephanie. Each of them is very different but uniquely special. From the way Fiona talks to me like family to how Strong mentally Stephanie is. She's such an interesting person to talk to but also doesn't take any crap. She also gives an honest opinion which I appreciate. Fiona's story is fascinating and I've always enjoyed people who are comfortable in their skin. On top of being Vietnamese and coming here with her family on a boat as a small child while her sister ended up on a boat to America. She's also openly gay and when we went out to eat with group of coworkers at Bar Soba we embraced in a hug and I already feel like I've known her for years. Julie is like that loving sister that looks out for me and ensures I'm being taken care of. I went to dinner at the BlackBird with Fiona and Julie and I really appreciate them taking time from their evenings to hang out with me. Along with Greg who is actually not from here they're part of the reason why I have grown to respect the hell out of this place. Greg is a 22 year old guy who was born in Wales and raised in South Africa near Zambia. We golfed together yesterday and he picked me up at my hotel and drove us to St. Andrews. We had a great time and even enjoyed a snack and some cappuccino afterwards.

Last year Edinburgh voted no to separating from the EU but after speaking with many of the citizens its apparent a large amount would prefer to separate. It's for good reason. As part of the EU England effectively decides their issues from afar. While they still would like to be a part of free trade agreements they want the opportunity to decide their own social issues. With a large amount of immigration going on because of fleeing refugees from numerous nations they want to decide how Scotland handles such a situations. It's common knowledge that some come here and immediately start receiving government benefits and beg in the streets. With a heavily socialized economy it affects the country heavily. From what I've witnessed here so many people are hard working class people. They don't seem to mind helping people but the success of a country is not always guaranteed. With public health services and government programs that help people purchase homes and avoid homelessness economic prudence is I'm sure very important.

Being here has given me an eye opening experience of how effective government assistance can be. It is common here for single people to own homes in their 20s. That's not the case in the United States. Don't get me wrong, I'm an American through and through and I love my country but it's not easy to thrive in the US, especially California. We have our own issues with immigration. But the major difference is that here in Scotland they take care of their citizens. In America I don't feel I can say that. I'm 39 years old and have never owned a home. Part of that is my own fault but I've worked for over 20 years and last year I paid over 28 thousand dollars in taxes. I also paid another 10 thousand dollars in medical insurance. While there is no guarantee that Social Security will be available to me when Im eligible sometime around when I'm 67 I also get nickle and dimed with health insurance. I pay over 800 dollars a month in insurance and then the rare times I actually need to use it I have to pay a co-pay and an out of pocket fee for other parts of the service. In Scotland their is a basic healthcare that they receive. Although they pay higher taxes because of it I'm paying as well with approximately 10 percent of my pay. So after paying about 40 percent of my pay to the aforementioned items I can't afford to save a 20 percent down payment on the overpriced homes. The time I almost bought I was being outbid by Chinese investors paying cash for homes in California from China. I personally don't believe the US gives a damn about me as an individual. All they care about is my money and that I shut up and get my ass to work. People might say the US is not socialist but anyone can come over our borders and receive welfare, food stamps, and low income housing while I make just a little bit more because I have to help pay for those programs. To me that's Socialism. In Scotland it seems to me that there are mechanisms in place to take care of their citizens and in return people here are proud of their country. Not only do they say their happy but their attitudes reflect it. In America many people are cold and angry. They feel the hardships of Capitalism and greed. Living for a Government that lacks civil servants and instead filled with corrupt greedy politicians concerned with their own financial well being. It's turned into a country run by elitists but still trying to tell us it's the people foe the people.

Overall my experience here in Scotland has been a pleasant one. I know tomorrow I can go enjoy a pleasant environment for breakfast here at the Bruntsfield Best Western. I'll be served with genuine kindness while I enjoy my omelet, Haggis, and black pudding. Along with my pot of coffee freshly brewed for me I will hear the families and individuals discuss football and politics in their endearing and varying Scottish accents. I will be greeted with compassion and sent off with a Cheers. I will try my best to respect their culture and country. And I will head back home leaving a place that I have grown to not only respect but love as a destination. Although it has averaged under 40 degrees Fahrenheit here in Edinburgh I have never felt the cold. Instead I feel warmed by a community that truly does care about one another. You can see it in every single one of its citizens. And it's restored my faith that genuine and loving people still do exist in this largely cold and Capitalistic world.

My brother

In 2011 I had this company I started for security systems. I felt that I had enough experience in the industry to be successful. Since my brother is also a technical guy I asked if he wanted to run it with me. Since he had just lost his job we created a new corporation and put it in his name since I was still employed full time. The thought was to keep my name off of things until I could resign my position and also do it full time. But until then we would pay him through the company. What happened was that I ended up not being a part of the company even though I had brought every customer we had and potential ones. This severed our relationship.




Fast forward to January 2016. I spoke to my brother for the first time in almost 5 years. What I've learned since then is always separate business and personal. I was extremely upset while this was all happening and reacted emotionally. What I realized was that losing my brother because of money or similar sucked. I missed my only brother and although it took me a while to get over it I am completely over it. When I say over it I have no anger or bad feelings because of what happened. When I forgive it's more for my own peace of mind than the other person. Once I'm able to let it go I don't believe in reliving it. That means I have to be able to discuss it without any emotions or anger being involved. I believe that until I can do that I am not in reality ready to forgive or move on. That's why I'm always surprised when people immediately say that they forgive someone. I think they say that but they can't possibly already feel that. An example is a woman who's daughter was murdered. Shortly after the murder the mother came out and forgave the murderer. I remember wondering how she could possibly forgive so quickly.




Karma I believe finds us all and we all get ours in the end. My brother was no exception and now I hope I haven't done anything further to cause Karma to find me again. My brother Michael is having some troubles. His wife is divorcing him and he's living in a friends RV. He also lost his job. My brother is a very talented guy with many skills but he's struggling right now. I'm not saying I can help him but I can let him know that I'm on his side and love him. Just in case he didn't know that already. The fact is that I don't want to see my brother suffer. I want to see him succeed. I even said that right after even though I was still pissed off. I don't hate the player and I feel guilty for anything I ever said to him that was negative. I hope he finds peace and happiness and that he turns into a person that his wife will look back and regret leaving. Because to me that's the only way to approach a separation. Take it as motivation to become the best person you possibly can so that when people are around you they can't help but be drawn to you.




I did learn that you never mix business and family. I should have never entangled the two when I did. It caused me to lose over 4 years with my brother and the frustration of losing a business. I am happy to have my brother back and it's another case of how I learn something new every day. I'm a flawed individual but I'm trying my best to not make the same mistake twice. I hate making mistakes and I'm very hard on myself when I do. But I love more than anything and I feel blessed every day just to get another chance. I wish I had all the answers and the ability to help people. But like they tell you on an airplane. You can't help others or put their oxygen masks on until you take care of yourself first.




I have one weakness that is bigger than all of the rest. I've been trying so hard to block it and not give into the temptation. It sometimes controls me physically and so I avoid situations where I might give into it. It's not a drug or alcohol but in my mind and body the satisfaction of it feels like a drug. So although not a disease it exists inside of me and I have to work to control it. But like anything in life we have choices and I'm choosing to refrain from it's grasp and focus more on being a positive role model for others. I just want to be thankful for what I have because it's already more than I could have ever hoped for.

One Month Without Alcohol

So after writing about how alcoholism is not a disease (in my opinion) I had to test myself. I want to go until my birthday (September) without any drinking. The longest I've gone after becoming an adult without drinking is about 4 months. I've realized that alcohol is a big part of my life. So now that it's February 1st and I've gone since December 31st without drinking it's time to evaluate.

What I've found after not drinking for a month is that:

First, I've found that it's a bigger deal to others that I'm not drinking than it is to me. Several times I've been handed a beer or a shot assuming that I wanted one. This is not the other person's fault but mine. Over time I've shown my willingness to be down to drink so I can't be frustrated when it's offered to me. I also don't want it to be a big deal that I'm not drinking. I want to be involved in day to day life like I would be normally without having to avoid situations where I might be tested. If I'm not going to drink I don't want it to be a big deal or to be a pain in the ass to people.

The first time I was tempted was last week during a going away party at a Tap House near my house. Everyone was drinking beers and taking shots. I had a Mountain Dew and have to admit I felt the urge to do a shot but avoided it. The next time was at a friends house during the AFC/NFC NFL championships. They have every kind of liquor imaginable. Cocktails were flowing as well as beers. This was the first time people really noticed I was not drinking. They didn't make a big deal of it just offered me juices and water. It went smoothly and I had fun with a lot of good food.

I've noticed that although I don't want it to be a big deal I've stayed aware of how many days it's been since I last drank. For someone who does not want it to be a big deal I've noticed that it is a big deal to myself. I was caught off guard by this and I'm working to ignore how long it's been. My reason for doing this isn't simply just as an experiment but also to lose weight. Drinking has assisted in me not having the energy or drive to exercise consistently. I also hate that groggy feeling when I wake up. Drinking might be fun while you're doing it but everything else about it hurts.

I've noticed some positives since I quit. The first is how much more energy I have. I have a spring in my step and I get up easier. The other noticeable change is how my focus stays constant. This in my opinion is the biggest issue with drinking. If I'm celebrating and drinking it's because something awesome happened. But if it's awesome I should want that feeling to last as long as possible. But when I'm finished drinking the excitement away the feeling is gone. When I wake up I don't have that same energy, I'm starting over. Now, I have the same energy consistently every day. That might not always be a good thing though. Right now I'm interviewing for a new job. I find myself wondering what's going to happen. Sometimes it's hard to turn the brain off and I just keep thinking. I find myself wanting to drink just to dull those thoughts a little bit.

Now to the downside. Outside of some friends wanting to know every detail of why I'm not drinking I've only noticed two other issues. The first I mentioned above with my brain never turning off. The other is sugar. For the first week I expected to need some sugar or something to help me not want to drink. But a month into it I notice that I have more of a sweet tooth than usual. The last thing I want is to start a new habit to get rid of another one. So now that it's February 1st I plan to no longer allow myself any crutches. What good is it to quit if I start a new addiction that also won't help me to achieve my physical goals.

Anyways, it has been an interesting month. I'm determined not to give up, but I also don't want it to be a big deal. I don't want to be that guy that has to make a big deal of the situation every time people see me. I don't know if I've lost any weight but I do know I have a lot of love and respect for anyone that makes big changes in their life. Keep up the good work!

My attitude towards Police

In the summer of 2000 I was 24 years old and living in San Clemente, CA. There's this bar Knuckleheads that we would walk to down the street from our apartment. We were on our way back from the bar and it was my wife, her best friend Heidi and myself. We were walking down Florencia street and a cop car pulled in front of us and they turned their lights on. Only one cop got out of the car and he shined his light in my face and ordered me over to his car. He asked me what I threw in the bushes and whether he had arrested me before. He asked me if he could search me with what I felt was a rude attitude towards me. After searching me and finding nothing he turned around and got in his car without saying anything besides rude things to me. I approached his car and told him that I had never felt so disrespected. He said "awe did I hurt your feelings, are you gonna cry?". Then he drove away.

For a long time I assumed all of those San Clemente cops were the same way. Even though his partner never got out of the car and even covered his face with his hand like he was embarrassed. Kind of like he wanted nothing to do with his partners actions. I truly believe for every one of those cops with a bad attitude or having a bad day, there are many more that make a positive difference in peoples lives. There are many that risk their lives and act in an honorable selfless manner. Individuals who wake up in the morning and lace up their boots and go to work. Working to try and prevent harm on all of our loved ones. To protect and serve our communities. Working countless hours each day in under staffed departments while patrolling streets among citizens that in large numbers don't like them. A few bad ones give many of the good ones a negative image.

My example of a police encounter was one of the extreme situations with police I've encountered. Another involves a court room, and a judge threatening to hold me in contempt but that's another story. Since I have changed my attitude towards police my experiences have changed completely. Even getting out of a possible DUI in Sanford, FL because I was respectful. Putting myself in a situation to possibly get a DUI is another story and not smart at all.

I look back at the experience on Florencia in San Clemente and I probably didn't handle it correctly. I definitely didn't get the response i had hoped for from the cop. I look back and laugh cause thinking of it now i should have laughed. My feelings were hurt. I should have just moved on. Instead I let my emotions get a hold of me. If i really had a problem i should have submitted a complaint. Then maybe others would complain about the same thing and he'll be forced to change hopefully. I'm not saying people should allow police to bully. I'm only trying to say brush some things off and not stereotype one cop because of others.