My attitude towards Police

In the summer of 2000 I was 24 years old and living in San Clemente, CA. There's this bar Knuckleheads that we would walk to down the street from our apartment. We were on our way back from the bar and it was my wife, her best friend Heidi and myself. We were walking down Florencia street and a cop car pulled in front of us and they turned their lights on. Only one cop got out of the car and he shined his light in my face and ordered me over to his car. He asked me what I threw in the bushes and whether he had arrested me before. He asked me if he could search me with what I felt was a rude attitude towards me. After searching me and finding nothing he turned around and got in his car without saying anything besides rude things to me. I approached his car and told him that I had never felt so disrespected. He said "awe did I hurt your feelings, are you gonna cry?". Then he drove away.

For a long time I assumed all of those San Clemente cops were the same way. Even though his partner never got out of the car and even covered his face with his hand like he was embarrassed. Kind of like he wanted nothing to do with his partners actions. I truly believe for every one of those cops with a bad attitude or having a bad day, there are many more that make a positive difference in peoples lives. There are many that risk their lives and act in an honorable selfless manner. Individuals who wake up in the morning and lace up their boots and go to work. Working to try and prevent harm on all of our loved ones. To protect and serve our communities. Working countless hours each day in under staffed departments while patrolling streets among citizens that in large numbers don't like them. A few bad ones give many of the good ones a negative image.

My example of a police encounter was one of the extreme situations with police I've encountered. Another involves a court room, and a judge threatening to hold me in contempt but that's another story. Since I have changed my attitude towards police my experiences have changed completely. Even getting out of a possible DUI in Sanford, FL because I was respectful. Putting myself in a situation to possibly get a DUI is another story and not smart at all.

I look back at the experience on Florencia in San Clemente and I probably didn't handle it correctly. I definitely didn't get the response i had hoped for from the cop. I look back and laugh cause thinking of it now i should have laughed. My feelings were hurt. I should have just moved on. Instead I let my emotions get a hold of me. If i really had a problem i should have submitted a complaint. Then maybe others would complain about the same thing and he'll be forced to change hopefully. I'm not saying people should allow police to bully. I'm only trying to say brush some things off and not stereotype one cop because of others.

Men's Lib

With all the drama surrounding women's liberation and rights it got me thinking. First, let me state that I'm equal opportunity to the core. I believe that anyone with the most qualifications should get any position or opportunity out there. If I'm in a situation where a woman is more qualified than I am she should get the opportunity. Whether it be color, gender, or whatever else I believe in equal opportunity.

Now that's out of the way let me get to my point. With all of the women's liberation and equality it made me realize men need their own cause. Automatically people are freaking out. Hear me out. When I was getting out of the US Navy they were implementing a plan to bring Navy ships to a point where there are as many women as men. They made this happen quickly. I was an E-4 at the time and all through the lower ranks of E1-E3 I had to do working parties (not exactly a party) and clean the entire ship including restrooms which the Navy calls Heads. Well in my last month in the Navy a new E-1 female came aboard the ship and started working with us. Her last name was Huggins and she was a nice girl. But she was a little on the dainty and girly side. I don't have an issue with that at all. But, when it comes to the duties of the Navy she signed the same documents I did. Where it requires you to be able to carry 50 pounds and carry out the duties on a ship. Well, during our first time underway (going out to sea) she started to puke from sea sickness. Our chief wanted me to fill up a bucket and carry it to where she threw up and help her clean it up. Normally, I am very cordial with helping another person or shipmate as we all referred to each other. I would have gladly helped her if she was the one that asked me. But since it was a chief that was telling me I had to I had an issue with it. When I was an E-1 and was in a similar situation nobody was there to carry my bucket but since it was a female it was expected that I help her. Same with the working parties. Because she was a female she wasn't expected to do the same lifting of boxes when we would bring on new supplies from other ships. Since they made such a beef about how we were suppose to treat women equally I was confused why all of a sudden they also wanted us to treat them different.

Once I left the Navy it was the same at multiple jobs I worked at. When we moved to a new building all the men were expected to carry the furniture and build the desks while the women didn't even have to be there. Another job same thing. Us men were expected to build desks and women were never asked to do any physical labor outside of their normal job description. So what is it? Is it equal or is it special? Look, I'm cool either way. I love women. I usually get along better with women than I do men because they're not as competitive. Men always want to compete. We're out golfing and they want to play for money, golf isn't exciting enough on its own. Life is already competition I don't need anymore. But if you're going to tell me that they're suppose to be equal and special at the same time then I'm going to have an issue with that. Same as my current job. When it's time to move desks or anything it's "Danny can you move this desk". Yet women will complain about not making the same amount. But if they'd look they do make the same amount. There is so much that goes into that equation. It's not just same pay for same position, there is also time in that position as well. If I have been in my career for 16 years and then a woman has been doing it for 10, should she automatically make the same amount as me? Personally, I don't really care. I have a coworker that has half the experience as I do but makes the same amount. I'm a power to the people kind of person. I don't hate the player I'm gonna hate the game.

My point is that I think people need to stop and think for a minute what they actually want. Look, women are on the rise everywhere, we might have a woman president very soon. In many ways they have more opportunities than men. This is going to be controversial but many times women get jobs based on their looks alone. I've had many bosses that gave attractive women raises just to keep them from leaving. Us men sometimes are treated like a dime a dozen. So I think it's time men start standing up for themselves and not just lay down for the sake of being chivalrous. If we're truly talking equality then it shouldn't matter if they're a man or a woman. If a woman wants the same job as a man then do that job.

There comes the trouble right there. Women in combat. It's a great thought and a fight for the cause to put women in combat but is it actually a good idea. We're talking about war here not games. I guarantee you if a platoon gets captured and there are females the enemy is going to do whatever they have to in order to get information. In combat people are tortured. Are the men in that platoon going to sit back and allow a female member of their platoon to be tortured physically and even sexually? Or will they give whatever information they have to in order to protect them?

How about in every day life? I know businesses run by women that only hire women. Isn't this discrimination against men? Why is this ok but the other way around isn't?

How about domestic violence? Why does a man get laughed at by police when they say a female assaulted them? How come I watched Beyonce's sister on video punching and hitting JayZ and nobody said a word? Why is it that it seems double standards are all over the place like this?

Yes, at least one of my examples is extreme. Most women are not big enough to cause harm to a man. My point is that shouldn't it be wrong for either man or woman to use physical or verbal abuse? I guess I just don't understand why nobody focuses on the anger issues and violence women have but men are criticized constantly. I just feel that it should be equal opportunity 100% or don't yell for equal opportunity. If a woman wants to assault a man then get used to being arrested.

In my opinion it's not the fact that a 5 foot tall woman is not able to hurt a 6 foot tall man it the point that violence should not be allowed either way. There should be no tolerance either way between a man and a woman. A man is taught that no matter what a woman does to them they do not have the right to hit a woman back. While I agree a man in no situation should ever touch a woman violently I just think we need to take it a step further and not allow a woman any size to be violent either. In our society I believe it's too often looked at from perception instead of reality. Reality is that although a man should never touch a woman a woman should also not be allowed to provoke a man by slapping him and punching him. If JayZ would have been arrested for slapping Beyonce's sister then her sister should have been arrested for assaulting JayZ.

I know my points don't always depict reality and that this is my opinion. I'm just thinking out loud because to me it's the same with color as it is with gender. People want to be equal until they realize that also sucks and then they want to be special. It's similar to my opinion about having no Black Entertainment Television. If having White Entertainment Television would be considered racist then get rid of the other. People say it's for pride and that's where I'll say pride is over rated and quickly turns to hate. I'm tired of seeing black people yuk it up on BET awards and celebrate being black yet anytime white people do it they're being racist. This in itself causes resentment.

If you think I'm siding with white people then you don't get me. I don't care what color people are. I just don't agree that one side gets special privileges while the other is criticized. I heard the rapper Common give his opinion about how he feels that black people should be allowed to use the word nig*a but white people should not. His logic was that black people endured hundreds of years of slavery and earned the right. I laugh at that logic. Last I checked Common lived in a better community and grew up with more money and privileges than many white and any other color people. He was never a slave and has no idea what it was like to be a slave. While he may have endured racism that is a far cry from slavery and he should be ashamed for even trying to claim he knows what it was like to be a slave. While I empathize with anyone who has been a victim of any prejudice that's a big difference from being a slave. Nobody should use that word if it's deemed inappropriate. It's that kind of entitlement that we need to get rid of in our society. But I've ranted long enough and I'm sure I've lost everyone by now.

Is Alcoholism a disease?

I cannot in good conscience consider alcoholism a disease. Not at all. While I empathize with sufferers of addiction including alcohol, how can anyone compare failing to quit drinking to something like cancer?

I'm sure people will dislike me because I feel I am allowed differentiate between the two. It's not that I am telling anyone how to feel. Everyone has the right to feel however they want. This only my opinion which I feel I'm allowed to have.

It's not like I don't have any experience with both alcoholism and cancer. My mother who was an admitted alcoholic died three months ago of cancer. My brother and I used to sneak cans of Budweiser and marboro red cigarettes into the garage and drink after her and her boyfriend passed out. This was in 4th grade right before my brother left to live with our grandmother. My mom's boyfriend Paul hit my brother in the mouth with a beer bottle that was intended for my mother. It broke his front tooth and the police decided Paul could no longer be around my brother.

I didn't drink again after that year until I was 13 and went to my cousin Gabriel's wedding. I snuck champagne and beer and almost caused a big fight between the families. My cousin Ruben and I were checking out some guys car and he started giving us shit saying we were too close to it. By the time I was in 12th grade I was working full time at McDonalds and drinking at night after work. We would go to my friend Thom's house and drink. We would also go over to my friend Fernando's Mexican restaurant and drink while playing cards.

The following year while stationed in Washington it only got worse. By the time I was 19 I was driving back and forth to Vancouver Canada to clubs three days a week. Between that and visiting a girl Sheila I met there I was drinking beer, vodka, rum, and Vancouver's best raspberry ciders. They're like 7% alcohol. It all culminated in being pulled over by the police for illegal lane usage. They found an open bottle of bacardi and missed a corona stashed in the seat pocket of my Jeep Wrangler. Ended up with a court date and up in front of the Captain. I only showed up to one of those appointments. I'll tell that story another time though.

My point is that I'm exactly who becomes an alcoholic. But even if I succumb to being an alcoholic I hope I never start calling it a disease.

Anything that you can quit and it goes away is not a disease. I honestly feel that is a way of admitting you're powerless against it. Like it owns them and they cannot get rid of it. If they quit they can say they beat a disease and so they can feel like they've conquered something. I just feel if you need to give yourself a fake disease so that you can beat it to feel good about yourself? In my opinion it means there are insecurities there that need to be worked out.

I'm not trying to be judgmental order holier than thou. Trust me, I'm no better than anyone. A homeless man on the street is my brother. No matter his background, color, or beliefs. I believe we are all the same underneath. I also feel physically what others feel. No, not to the extent they do. But when I see someone struggling with addiction, pain, sickness, sadness, loss, I feel their pain.

I have no idea what my future holds. I do have faith though. I've already accomplished more than I ever thought I would. The rest is above everything I could have ever imagined. I guess you can say I had low expectations or none at all. I do know that I've had ups and downs with alcohol. There are times I've felt I controlled alcohol while other times alcohol has controlled me. If i become consumed by it it's on me to find help. But to try and say I have a disease? To me, that's offending everyone that has ever had a real disease that they did nothing to bring upon themselves. Yes, some cancers are caused by people themselves. Others diseases like Leukemia, small children never did anything to deserve that. Let's not feel so guilty about our choices that we need to blame a disease in order to cope. So that if we conquer it we feel strong or if we fail we have something besides ourselves to blame it on.

I hope that I can simply accept my choices and responsibility for something that I could have decided was a risk at anytime. Instead I chose to roll the dice and hope I can control it.

Instead of a disease it's more like a gambling addiction. Continuing to risk losing it all by betting against the odds. We all have freedom of choice. I can't complain about the consequences if I am the one that chose to risk it all.

Being strange

I'm a strange person. I don't see things like others do. I see gray areas and my goals are completely different than many others. I realized that a long time ago so I don't get offended when people bash me or disagree with me. This society is very critical and calloused. People define success as who has the most money. Kids idolize the Kardashians and Lebron James over firefighters and doctors. As well as feeling that a ruthless businessman is an ideal candidate for President. Don't get me wrong, I need money just like the next person. I work to maximize my income potential so that my family is comfortable and have what they need. But I have no desires to be rich. I actually feel that it would complicate life more than help it. Like the saying goes, more money more problems.

Each day I try to be a better person and avoid those temptations that lead to distractions and bad behavior. It's not easy to be honest. As my kids get older I'm tempted to disappear from society and retreat to seclusion. Maybe it's just the usual cynicism that comes with age. We realize the way the world really works instead of how it should. While when we were younger we had visions of Manifest Destiny and equal opportunity. Either way I don't enjoy much of the way the world works. Or maybe I'm just depressed. I'm just trying to be real and honest. But I'm almost alone in this venture because most people are politically correct and create a false persona. Being honest or real is considered a weakness. Like in poker you're suppose to keep your cards close and disclose as little information as possible to people. We're all in competition instead of on the same team as it should be.

Did we already experience the peak of our country? Are we on the decline? I try to write positive and happy when in fact I'm very sensitive to the negative issues. But in reality I believe this life is a test. We are given free will in hopes that we will choose the correct path, although temptations of different paths are constant. But what are our goals? Are my goals to be rich and powerful? Or are my goals to discover what my purpose here is truly meant to be? I do know that money does not buy happiness. You might think that your dream is to drive a Mercedez but I guarantee you that once you buy it the joy goes away. The car will get old and a newer one will come out next year. I've found that the anticipation is the best part of any goal. I get more joy out of looking at cars on the road and envisioning myself driving it than I do actually owning it. When I own it I'm worried about someone hitting it, wear and tear, and wanting something different later. It's the same with goals. I've found that once I reach my goal I'm satisfied for a moment but then I want to set new ones. My only regret is that I would have known what the possibilities were earlier. I remember thinking that if I made 65k a year I'd be satisfied. Until I made 65k a year and realized that I could make more. The better way I think is to be satisfied with what I have and then the rest just adds to the happiness.

I digress but anyone who has read what I write already knows that. I'm a flawed individual that thinks way too much. I love too much and I empathize too much. Too much for a Capitalistic society that is. When in reality I believe in my heart that we were put on this planet to coexist. To find peace and live in paradise. Think about it. We overlook the beauty of this life every day. Or at least some of us do. I listen to Bob Marley sing;
Smiled with the risin' sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singin' sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true

In that verse I saw that I wasn't appreciating what is free to me every day. Appreciating that first moment of warmth when the sun comes over the mountains. Or taking a moment to watch a bird sing in a tree although he has no idea what he'll eat that day. He just appreciates being here. I realize that so many have achieved financial success in this life to still feel empty. Men have conquered entire countries only to still feel lonely or incomplete. While I'm at my office for more than 8 hours a day I'm not enjoying the peaceful sound of the waves hitting the shore. I'm not doing all I can to give to someone who does not know what it's like to have shelter. Instead, leaving them to wonder if people do truly care for one another. I do know for a fact that touching one person's heart feels immensely better than buying the latest Samsung Smart tv. But instead I focus on buying the tv and less on restoring peoples faith in humanity. Therefore I am flawed and distracted by freedom of choice. I am not in touch enough with my heart, mind, and soul. Instead I am corrupted by physical satisfaction. Like the saying goes, the flesh is weak. Now you know why I say I'm strange, because if most people read this they're laughing and thinking I'm on drugs. But I guarantee you there are people that will read this and relate or understand exactly what I'm trying to say.

More than anything I write to feel better and get things out of my head. The other day I felt edgy and frustrated. I turned up my music and shut out everything except my mind. I just wrote what was in my head. No joke that in about 45 minutes my mind was clear and I felt relaxed and relieved. By know means have I found answers or secrets just an outlet for my mind to clear.

Affluenza

It's so easy to become lethargic, lackadaisical, or complacent. Life can be trying and exhausting. It's only natural that people would seek an escape or break.

For some reason us humans need and crave this journey for personal fulfillment. Sort of our new age version of manifest destiny. We're trained and conditioned to achieve and accomplish to not only satisfy ourselves but also those around us.

Unfortunately for some they are either enabled or entitled to avoid any of these lessons of life. Many times a coddling parent enables them to have no adversity or challenges to grow from. Children in these situations believe they are entitled to be too good to have to endure the same challenges of their peers.

The problem comes when they have to function on their own or interact in a team environment with their peers. We see it all the time with one example being in kids sports. In this example a young boys parents have told him over and over how great he is. Since a parents words to their children is like gospel he believes this inflation of his ego to be true. He runs out onto the field oozing confidence. Then comes the moment he isn't as successful as he thought he would be. But instead of a dose of reality mommy or daddy or both blame everything and everyone else except their inaccurate portrayal of his skills.

Instead, they should have leveled with jr. from the beginning. They should have explained to him that nothing is guaranteed. That he can achieve anything but only with hard work and dedication. Parents and others sometimes fear for the child's confidence and psyche to the point where they lie to them. Trust me, I truly do know what it's like to look down at your child who has tears flowing down their face. Wanting with all of your being to take the pain away. Don't do it! Kids are not only resilient but also strong. Be real with your kids don't coddle or inflate their egos. You'll only impair their future ability to cope and adapt.

I'm no psychologist and I won't pretend to have some special gift. But I am real and authentic with my kids. Maybe I have been too real to their detriment. Maybe I have taken away their vision of the world being their oyster. But I'd rather have a realistic fighter than someone with a false sense of entitlement. I'm not advocating for recognition or awards, simply pointing out that I know what not to do in this situation. From an early age I've taught my kids responsibility, reality, and gray areas. This does not take into account their mother or other influences. Only my attempt at preventing them from going into their adult word unprepared for reality.

There's currently a story about a teen from Texas named Ethan Couch. When he was 16 he drove his truck into a crowd and killed four people while driving drunk. The judge ruled that the teen suffered from affluenza and could not be held responsible for his actions because he never learned accountability as a child. He dis no jail time but received 10 years probation. Wait a minute....

Are we really at a point in our society where people are not going to be held accountable because they were never held accountable?

Where does it stop?

Wait, there's more. He apparently didn't take the situation seriously (surprise right) and was filmed playing beer pong. The video got to the courts and before he was brought back him and his mother disappeared. Story has it that there was even a going away party before they left. It does not surprise me that many of the Couch's friends and family valued the four people's lives so little that they supported him and his mother evading responsibility. They were caught a couple days after Christmas in Puerta Vallarta. They're being turned over to authorities in Texas.

People have been freaking out about the judges decision on only probation, but this should be interesting. He violated his probation so will he now have to do time? Will his mother do any time in jail?

I continue to believe we're in a new age in the US and world. I know, every generation says that. But I can't imagine what we'll do with another trillion people in a few years. Should be interesting. Below is a link to the story where baby Ethan and his mommy are caught in Mexico.

Behind every sociopath and serial killer is a sick and coddling enabler mommy. Ok, maybe not all but I promise it's a large amount.

https://www.yahoo.com/gma/affluenza-teen-ethan-couch-detained-mexico-officials-120721898--abc-news-topstories.html?nhp=1

I miss Eazy E

I miss Eazy E. Some people are already like, what crazy shit is danny going to write this time. My ingredients are all over the place. From Johnny Cash to Tupac I enjoy just about every genre. I don't hate on others tastes that aren't mine, because it's all opinion. I might not understand opera and wonder what the fascination is, but that doesn't mean it's irrelevant. 

So I miss the days when things were a little more simple than they are today. Political correctness is such a strange thing.  I've realized that the media is the driving force behind the version of fact and what opinions should be. I could list many examples. The biggest being what they decide to write. 

Let's use Yahoo as an example. We used to read from a newspaper or magazine but now we scroll. The difference is that with a newspaper I know what section Sports is and the same with weather and stocks. In a magazine I skip to the page of the story I want to read. On a website like Yahoo I can't help but read through the titles of articles while looking for an article that I would want to read. 

I catch an article about the Kardashians. On the link there is a picture of a kardashian and a title about some stuff that I guess I could care less about which is sad. I still click for the picture because I guess I'm a pig, sexist, or how I like to think of it. Like A man. Once I get into the story I scroll and there's no picture! There is a story about some risque outfit that one of them is wearing and I wasted a click and no picture? 

I know, I need a life. I'll get to that, this is full on vent mode. I almost don't give a fuck. My youngest kid is 16 and I do owe it to him and my kids in general to be somewhat of a decent human. And to be honest, I believe I am a decent man. We won't get into that just yet though. So I go back to the main page of Yahoo and now I'm completely distracted. I went to see if there was any news going on in the world and I'm wondering if there is a wild new picture to gaze at. 

Back in the day I didn't even see that stuff. I'd open up the newspaper and look for the sports page. Entertainment section was to see what movies were coming out and show times. If you wanted the BS stories buy people or Enquirer. Today? Everyone knows that shit and gives their opinion on it. Oh wait, I'm using a lot of expletives. I should stop, but I probably won't. 

Today, the media has so much control over what we think and so much else, compared to 1992 and before. Sensationalizing is the biggest trend, along with political correctness. A story about anything can be huge for a moment and then the next story breaks. The other story becomes a distant memory and we move on. So back in 1989 I could listen to Eazy E.

Rap always got a bad rap. Pun intended. But I could still listen to it and even get away with saying slang if it was in the context of the song. 

Now, might as well admit you're a racist if you use the word nigga. 

Yet people like the rapper Common think that only black people deserve to use it because his ancestors earned the right.  He tried to explain that black people say it to each other in an endearing manner, and I agree. I used it for that as well. 

I grew up in Pomona and San Bernardino, CA. I lived deep with the Crips and Bloods and many blacks. I was out on the basketball court talking trash and I would also endear my brothers by calling them my nigga. 

Now, I can't tell you the last time I even thought about saying that. In some ways I'm bummed that it got to the point it did but in this example I'm completely cool with political correctness. I don't want anyone to think I feel one color is any better than any other based on color alone. 

Are you kidding me? 

More about that later, cause shit's about to get real. 

My problem with people like Common is that they talk about being equal but they actually want to be special. Let's be real, Common never came close to being a slave. His upper middle class upbringing made my family look like peasants. His color didn't mean crap because people care about money not color. Oh, they care about color but the color of money always comes first. 

Equality should be like get in line with the rest of us and get over yourself. I have a white brother and a black sister while I'm brown. You wanna know what it was like to see us getting on the bus to go to school? It was a situation. 

But to be honest, I don't see myself like others do. And I never saw my brother and sister that way either. I had their back and everyone knew it. This is real life because we don't really know who feels like what because political correctness makes it not acceptable to feel a way that is unacceptable. So, that means they tell you to  your face what you want to hear and then the moment you can't hear them they call you that name. 

Honestly, what is better? Being called something to your face, or thinking they like  you and they're saying it behind your back?

 I digress! Back to missing Eazy E. 

That's my point. We used to be able to say things because as a whole we don't feel that way. At least I hope we don't. There are a bunch of racist and sociopathic haters but there are many more loving accepting humans, right? 

I used to be able to make fun of my black friend liking watermelon while he told me to go eat a burrito. Now, I can't even say watermelon or banana in front of my black friends. I have to say, are you going to eat fruit today? 

Ok, so maybe that's extreme but my black friends don't even want to be black anymore. It's too hard. They don't want to perpetuate the cycle so they avoid things assumed as stereotypes. 

I'm like fuck that shit! I'm a half mexican half white guy that speaks spanglish and married a blonde. I don't give a fuck! I'll be like, cut up my filet mignon and my asparagus, with some au jus. But damn it, wrap it in a tortilla cause I'm really a Mixican. It's in my dna to roll it in a tortilla. 

Just like a black man loves melon. We all come from different parts of the world originally where climate and evolution meant that there were darker people where there was more sun and lighter where it was cold with less sun. Because of the climate different foods were available. The human body evolved to make it easier to consume those foods or vitamin D. 

Just like the birds did that were forced down to the Galapagos islands by winds. The descendants of those birds adapted to the environment to survive. That's all we did as early humans. Some embraced nature and simple life while others advanced their skills and the destruction of the planet. 

The Native Americans only killed what they could eat and used their fur for shelter and warmth like it was intended. The Spanish came in and used the Native American spirituality and assumed primitive nature and used it against them. 

Imagine you own your land and someone comes to you and tells you that they bought the land and you have to leave. As a Native American you're wondering how someone can own the land. As a conqueror you're just doing what you gotta do. 

So where I could listen to Eazy E in 1989 now I cannot even play his song at a party. If a parent hears the word bitch, ass, hoe, nigga, they lose their mind. When in fact, none of that shit matters. It doesn't define anyone. If someone says the word bitch and you get offended? Maybe you need to look in the mirror and wonder how you feel about yourself. A bitch does not equal a woman. A woman can be a bitch but a woman is not necessarily a bitch. 

Why is that so hard to understand? You can apply that down the line. Just because I'm a Mexican does not mean that I'm a wetback. I guess that's not an apples to apples comparison. I guess it's more like Chink, Spick, redneck, etc. 

 You think these words are different than the ones used towards blacks?  If you let someone say one without the others then you're either racist or feeding the problem. 

It's time people are completely equal. I've said it before that if there can't be a White entertainment television then there can't be a black entertainment television. Also, if women want equality, get out there and lay some asphalt girl. You think combat sounds like a good idea until you're out there. No rules in combat.

You're going to find out that you better watch out what you wish for.

She laughed

I don't really write for anyone else, it's solely to relieve tension and thoughts that race through my mind constantly. But I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me what others think. I have tried not to care but currently I'm not successful. I only say that because I've been writing a lot about my mom and I'm sure people think I'm whining or they're just tired of hearing it. Let me just say that there are times when I get tired of hearing myself so I understand if many don't like me or understand me. I apologize if I offend and understand if many just want to turn me off. Go for it!


That being said I talked to my mom today. She's in a hospital in Tulsa, OK and I'm in CA so it's hard to understand in my mind what's important and what I should be doing and when. Our conscience is our guide along with our gut. You don't need any bible to tell you what you should do. If you consider each choice your conscience and gut will tell you what to do. Ignoring them often means consequences. Faith in your guide often provides satisfaction and good decisions. Saying that, my mom would kick my ass if she read this. We were raised in a very religious household. Church on Wednesday and Sunday was frequent as well as outings with the church. I'll discuss that more at some point but back to my mom.


She was able to talk to me today and it was great to hear her voice. Her and I are both realists so it was a somber conversation. For a bit but at some point we just got back to normalcy. We talked about everything down to the details of her pain medication and the surgery. She discussed her disappointment in hearing the surgery was unsuccessful and the realization that she has to go through chemo again. I tried really hard to think about happy things to talk about. What the fuck am I suppose to be thinking? On top of what she's going through I'm also fucking struggling. I love life, I do. But I have avoided talking about my own situation. I'm ready for change.

My youngest child is 16. I have looked in the mirror many times asking if I'm proud or satisfied with the guy I'm looking at. Fact is that I'm not. I've done well but God Damn it I could have done better. So I'm pissed at myself. I'm fucking really pissed at myself. I couldn't make a marriage successful, I can't make my mom comfortable. I can't provide her with the care she deserves. I suck! Even though I will have to get up tomorrow and put my big boy pants on, today I'm satisfied being a bitch. I hate to sound so vulgar and emotional but I guarantee you there are many feeling this way and they just ignore it or don't want to sound like that bitch danny.

I want to be in the hospital with my mom. I do. I want to read to her and listen to her stories. I'm happy that my sisters and other family are there with her. She deserves it. I know she's going nuts. Sad part is, she's more upset about not being able to take care of herself and others than she is about what she's going through. Is that what we're conditioned to be like? She deserves the movie ending. Driving in the car reminiscing about that time as a young girl when she could still dream of the life before her and the first and last time she fell in love. Do we watch the movies hoping we will experience the same but knowing we won't?

I'm almost done I promise. I apologize for digressing so much but I feel this. I enjoy the moment and when I'm explaining this I'm envisioning it. When she reaches her destination the love of her life is there to greet her like in the movie Titanic when Jack is there awaiting Rose. That is what I envision us all deserving as our finale. Unfortunately, life is more about out with the old and in with the new. As unfortunate as it is we're all about the future.

As we finished talking today the nurses entered the room. She told me she had to go and that we would talk again soon. She laughed about how they had 3 long needles waiting for her. I laughed because she was laughing. Even though her world is collapsing she still found the ability to laugh? That moment right there reassured me that she gets it. Although she was hoping for the best she expected the worst. After she quickly processed all of that information she got back to what made her successful, her resiliency. I'm crying now but mostly because like I said, I'm a little bitch. But, her laughing at the sight of 3 large needles to me explained life as what it was meant.


We're born and we know little. We're youthful and we think the world is our oyster. We enter adulthood and realize this isn't as easy as we thought it would be. Then, we enter our later years and we reflect on what we've learned and how we got here. Finally, if you succeeded and understood the mission you laugh in the face of death. You welcome it but continue to laugh as you show how much fight and passion you have in you. Shirley laughed and stuck her middle finger up at death. But in her mind she's pissed that she's not finishing her mission. Fucking phenomenal.