She laughed

I don't really write for anyone else, it's solely to relieve tension and thoughts that race through my mind constantly. But I would be lying if I said it didn't bother me what others think. I have tried not to care but currently I'm not successful. I only say that because I've been writing a lot about my mom and I'm sure people think I'm whining or they're just tired of hearing it. Let me just say that there are times when I get tired of hearing myself so I understand if many don't like me or understand me. I apologize if I offend and understand if many just want to turn me off. Go for it!


That being said I talked to my mom today. She's in a hospital in Tulsa, OK and I'm in CA so it's hard to understand in my mind what's important and what I should be doing and when. Our conscience is our guide along with our gut. You don't need any bible to tell you what you should do. If you consider each choice your conscience and gut will tell you what to do. Ignoring them often means consequences. Faith in your guide often provides satisfaction and good decisions. Saying that, my mom would kick my ass if she read this. We were raised in a very religious household. Church on Wednesday and Sunday was frequent as well as outings with the church. I'll discuss that more at some point but back to my mom.


She was able to talk to me today and it was great to hear her voice. Her and I are both realists so it was a somber conversation. For a bit but at some point we just got back to normalcy. We talked about everything down to the details of her pain medication and the surgery. She discussed her disappointment in hearing the surgery was unsuccessful and the realization that she has to go through chemo again. I tried really hard to think about happy things to talk about. What the fuck am I suppose to be thinking? On top of what she's going through I'm also fucking struggling. I love life, I do. But I have avoided talking about my own situation. I'm ready for change.

My youngest child is 16. I have looked in the mirror many times asking if I'm proud or satisfied with the guy I'm looking at. Fact is that I'm not. I've done well but God Damn it I could have done better. So I'm pissed at myself. I'm fucking really pissed at myself. I couldn't make a marriage successful, I can't make my mom comfortable. I can't provide her with the care she deserves. I suck! Even though I will have to get up tomorrow and put my big boy pants on, today I'm satisfied being a bitch. I hate to sound so vulgar and emotional but I guarantee you there are many feeling this way and they just ignore it or don't want to sound like that bitch danny.

I want to be in the hospital with my mom. I do. I want to read to her and listen to her stories. I'm happy that my sisters and other family are there with her. She deserves it. I know she's going nuts. Sad part is, she's more upset about not being able to take care of herself and others than she is about what she's going through. Is that what we're conditioned to be like? She deserves the movie ending. Driving in the car reminiscing about that time as a young girl when she could still dream of the life before her and the first and last time she fell in love. Do we watch the movies hoping we will experience the same but knowing we won't?

I'm almost done I promise. I apologize for digressing so much but I feel this. I enjoy the moment and when I'm explaining this I'm envisioning it. When she reaches her destination the love of her life is there to greet her like in the movie Titanic when Jack is there awaiting Rose. That is what I envision us all deserving as our finale. Unfortunately, life is more about out with the old and in with the new. As unfortunate as it is we're all about the future.

As we finished talking today the nurses entered the room. She told me she had to go and that we would talk again soon. She laughed about how they had 3 long needles waiting for her. I laughed because she was laughing. Even though her world is collapsing she still found the ability to laugh? That moment right there reassured me that she gets it. Although she was hoping for the best she expected the worst. After she quickly processed all of that information she got back to what made her successful, her resiliency. I'm crying now but mostly because like I said, I'm a little bitch. But, her laughing at the sight of 3 large needles to me explained life as what it was meant.


We're born and we know little. We're youthful and we think the world is our oyster. We enter adulthood and realize this isn't as easy as we thought it would be. Then, we enter our later years and we reflect on what we've learned and how we got here. Finally, if you succeeded and understood the mission you laugh in the face of death. You welcome it but continue to laugh as you show how much fight and passion you have in you. Shirley laughed and stuck her middle finger up at death. But in her mind she's pissed that she's not finishing her mission. Fucking phenomenal.