How I feel turning 40

I often reflect. It gives me perspective of where I've been and where I'm going. Although I do not dwell on the past I often become depressed in the moment. I'm consistently a positive thinking person, but I think I tend to write more when I'm down. I think it's because I prefer to talk about the positive things where as people don't like to focus on the negatives. They're uncomfortable talking about anything people might construe as not politically correct or happy thoughts. But as I turned 40 on September 2nd I've done a lot of thinking about where I've been and where I'm going.

First, let me state that I've accomplished more than I ever hoped to in life. As a poor kid from the streets of Southern California I see now that my goals were small and my expectations tempered. At 17 years old I thought that I would be content with 65,000 dollars a year salary with no thoughts of a family. While already exceeding that salary and also having a family I feel that my life has already peaked. Is this my mind once again aiming too low? With my youngest child nearly 17 years old I'm nearing the end of my era of kids. Although parenting never ends I believe in treating them like adults, especially once they turn 18. I feel that if you are open with kids and put more of the responsibility of their future on them, they adapt to the responsibilities. I have no special formula for raising kids but I do believe that with trust, love, and honesty you can gain their confidence, loyalty, and trust. I also don't put any expectations on them as far as careers and making money. I simply have stressed to them the importance of finding happiness and peace.

As a child I remember my parents telling me to become a doctor or a lawyer because that's where the money is. But for a person who can't even watch surgeries on tv shows and can't stand ruthless people those careers were out of the question. Instead, I went for what I had a knack for that also pays well. Computers were something I already spent many hours around so why not make it a career. It's also not a career where your body breaks down doing it. Although I should have taken into consideration the damage it has done to my eyes. Like they say though hindsight's 20/20. As a computer guy I've enjoyed some success and some frustration. Although the work is not physically strenuous in my career it is strenuous on the nerves. I've been responsible for every door and camera working at an airport and government but to me the money doesn't reflect that kind of risk. I've had directors of airports breathing down my neck while our sales guy sat and chatted about golf at the same time. But I can think of many worse careers so overall I am satisfied with my career choice. My other choices were to stay in and retire from the Navy, fireman, restaurant manager, or banker.

With my kids I have allowed them to envision their own futures and embrace the passions that they feel. My 22 year old daughter was fairly easy. Although I did not see her married and having a child by the age of 22 I did see her as either an English teacher or a nurse. Now that she is a medical assistant going to school for her nursing degree I feel I was close. My 18 year old starts school at UC Irvine on September 22nd and is currently slotted for either business management or business economics. Since he excels in math and passed the AP Calculus test in high school I felt that he should incorporate his passion of sports into what he excels at. I don't know if he'll integrate sports into his career or if he'll change his mind about his major. I do know that he is a confident young man who is also a good person. I have confidence he'll continue to think things through and be happy at whatever it is he decides. My 16 year old is the final piece of the puzzle. He is the most gifted of my three kids although he doesn't always work at it. He also has a heart of gold and warms my heart with the way he treats others. With a passion for writing and theatre he also excels in science. He was just awarded the lead role in the fall high school play and he constantly reads and writes. I can see him as someone who performs on broadway or becomes an english teacher who also works to become a successful published author. Whether they achieve these goals I am very excited for each of their futures and honestly could not be any happier with the individuals they have become.

For me, I hate to sound negative but I feel I've had my better days. I no longer have the perception that the world is a wonderful place or that you can achieve whatever you want through hard work and dedication. There are gray areas that surround us and sometimes you also need luck and help. As a kid who moved out of the house before I turned 17 I came from humble beginnings. Often sleeping in places like a car at a lake or unknown apartments. I learned very early how to look out for myself as well as my brother and sister. I've witnessed too much violence and started my adult life off with too much anger. As I see many people around me receive support from their families I have very little family. Although I reconnected with my mother in 2013 I never saw her again after 1989. She left us when I was in fourth grade and I also have never met my father. I often look at others who had seemingly normal childhoods with jealousy and envy. People who could reach out and borrow some money or if needed move back into their parents house. Instead, I've had to pay rent like clockwork since I was 16. I'm so tired sometimes. But I prefer not to ask for it to be any other way. In life you better be careful what you ask for. Instead I take my lessons and try to learn from them. Although I started raw and naive of the business life I learn as I go. When I feel a defeat I learn from it and come back stronger and more determined. I resist the urge to resent people and I work to stay humble. I feel I'm no better than anyone else because I have no idea what each person has gone through. I also try to become a better person each day. I have inner demons like anyone else and I fight to suppress them or extinguish them and I refuse to give up. Although they call 40 mid life I have no fantasy about reaching 80 years old. The oldest person in my family was my mother who lived to be 64. I was happy that her and I were able to make peace before she passed. But at no point did I try to bring up memories from the past that were not pleasant. Instead, I focused on the good times wanting my mother to know that the important thing was I am happy and that I hold no anger towards her for my childhood. I still miss her every day.

I also have an opportunity coming that can change the course of my family forever. When my daughter turned 19 she moved into her uncle's house. Her and her mom did not see eye to eye and while her mother was on vacation in Colorado she moved her stuff out. But now, my daughter, her husband, and their two kids (he already had a son when they met) are going to move into our house to save money. It'll also give my wife and I a chance to save money and pay off some debt. It won't be easy and some lessons will be learned. I've been thinking long and hard of ways to make this successful as well as doing what I can to prevent failure. I will go into this open minded and amendable. I look forward to the opportunity and look forward to the opportunity to watch the family grow and bond together. To help ensure this happens I have quit drinking again. My wife has agreed to as well. I hope that we can all share memories while making things easier for each other. While there is no guarantee it'll all go smooth I do believe it'll turn out the way it was meant to. I hope I'm mature enough to lead this family even if someone doesn't follow. As well as being open to learning new lessons. But most importantly continuing to grow into a man and person that my family can rely on and look up too. Because although I believe my best days are behind me I will continue to grow and live. I could surprise myself and once again achieve more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. I do know that even if I die tomorrow and although I do have regrets I work not to dwell on them. I continue to believe that I've enjoyed more success in ways that cannot be measured and have lived a blessed life. If it all ends I want my loved ones to not be sad. I just hope that I'll be remembered as someone who helped his family reach new levels of happiness that they didn't think was possible. I want to provide them love, comfort, and stability. Pushing future generations to new heights never imagined by previous generations. Oh, and I also hope to enjoy the rest of my life. Maybe play a little golf, laugh, love, and most importantly find the answers to what my purpose is on this earth. Or to hopefully find out at the end of my journey that I accomplished what I was here for. That it was a plan that I carried out in spite of all the odds and challenges because above all I'm happy to be a survivor.

I can barely support our system

I'm so tired of watching the individuals who are supposed to be our leaders failing miserable at being leaders. Millions of people are about to vote for President of the United States of America. Millions will vote for Hillary Clinton. This is not an attack on Hillary Clinton. This is simply a comparison about the rules us normal people have to follow and then the special privileges our elite politicians follow. A US Navy Seal Matt Bissonnette wrote a book about the raid by Seal Team 6 on the Bin Laden compound in Pakistan. The United States sued him for the royalties of the book saying that he had signed a non disclosure agreement. Do politicians not sign these same agreements?

Look, I won't get political because I know everyone has their affiliation. Nobody listens to the specific situation they just dive into their camp and back up their political camp. I have no camp. If I had to choose today I'd pick Donald Trump. I don't like him personally but to have Hillary as the alternative is to me against my principals. That's my personal opinion. But what I've found is that what used to be civil servants are now an elite monarchy. They declare what is best for us and make it law yet they do not follow the same rules. Congress doesn't have the same retirement, medical, etc. It's not good enough for them so they made their own. But for us peasants? They don't really care. They might say they do but they don't.

So for me to hear about this guy Matt getting sued by the US after Obama was so eager to take credit for the Bin Laden raid that he threw all of Seal Team 6 under the bus the night of the raid. All anyone had to do was look at who was in Seal Team 6 and know who killed Bin Laden. Completely outing every member to any Osama Bin Laden sympathizer out there. Not one of those people apologized or accepted responsibility for the outing. They all laughed and yucked up the attention. Then, as soon as something bad happened they avoid any responsibility. Typical of the selfish politically correct rulers that are in power. Pretending to care about you without really giving a damn. But so many puppets and zombies eat it up. They love the establishment. They listen to the media that is owned by the people who run this country. We're in so much trouble.

As a former member of the US Navy who was on the USS Carl Vinson (which dumped Bin Laden in the ocean) and USS Rushmore who has spent over 18 months out at sea I feel I should be allowed to at least have an opinion. I better watch it or they'll sue me.

Anyways, no more woe is me cause nobody is listening anyways. People will just keep working and working until it affects them and they can't live anymore. Until then they'll just continue to say the economy is great like the media tells them. 

Here is a link to the story.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/08/20/us/bin-laden-book-seal-team-6.html?_r=0

I was a Dick today

And it got things accomplished. I'm usually the last person that acts that way. The only pride I have really is in treating people the way I hope to be treated and my kids. And by being a dick I was abrasive to a few people. I'm not proud of it but it got the job done.

I might ramble if I do I apologize I'm sure I'll have a point. If not just close this and ignore it. As a Virgo I feel like I avoid confrontation. I'm sure there are other factors in my disdain for calling people out. I know more about some things than many other people. Yet, some people will tell me I'm wrong and argue it when I know I'm right. To the point where they'll fact check and see I'm right. So, many times I just avoid it. I'd rather sit in my moment of bliss than to get my heart rate up proving something that doesn't matter. But when it comes to either work or my family I get so passionate and fired up!

I might avoid confrontation but many people thrive in it. In fact I could argue that the people that embrace confrontation tend to be allowed to lead. I've had many bosses who are only good at motivating people. Whether it be positive or negative they motivate. I worked for a company where the highest rated tech got a raise, middle techs got no raise, and lowest rated tech was fired. It created this ridiculous competition between coworkers that should not exist in a true team environment. But for a while it got results.

What happened to me today was nothing like that. I like to work with self motivated passionate people who want to build our company like as if it was their own. I have problems when I work with someone who does not put one more bit of effort into their job than they have to. Problem with that is you can't build a business with that attitude. I needed some equipment to ship out today and it wasn't going to ship because of some issues with the customers credit. While I understand the company has to get paid it was nothing bad enough to stop the deal. This customer and this specific purchase are an important step for the relationship. For only 18 thousand dollars it's not going to make or brake the company. That wasn't the upsetting part, for me it was paperwork that had to be done holding up the situation. When I work until late in the night getting a sale that would have gone to a competitor it hurts to see my work possibly go up in flames.

So yeah, I was a dick today. But it's because I was a dick that my bosses got involved and approved the shipment which I knew they would do anyways so they should have just shipped it. I'm not proud of being a dick today and I don't want to be in the future. Right now I feel crappy about myself and I've already been doing that too much. I'm working on being able to hear any type of news in the world and still stay calm and emotionless. Unfortunately I am far from that goal.

Stupid people

There are some people that I will never like. The people that drive slow in the fast lane for one. Or the people that get out of the carpool lane right before their exit. They then come to a complete stop as they maneuver across the freeway. Or how about the people that speed up when you put your blinker on? But people that dislike police because a few of them are bad. Those people are stupid! Below is a link to a story where a restaurant owner asked police to not eat at his restaurant any more.

I know many people put themselves in a bubble to escape reality. They avoid politics even though elections are in less than 4 months, and they play little computer games to pretend things are not eroding around them. I understand that and can appreciate it. But, for those silly and naive people that think that police are all bad? I feel sorry for them. Do not judge the masses because of a few bad apples.

Police protect people around this country every day. Lay their lives on the line for not that great of pay. Many just because they enjoy protecting people. Yet people let the media tell them what reality is instead of experiencing it for themselves. The media loves to sensationalize things because of ratings. Stories about all the examples of police rescuing people out there don't sell like the negatives one do. But STUPID people like this restaurant owner are why we can't all figure things out. This guy should take his Chinese restaurant to another country where there are no police or infrastructure, I dare you. I freaking love this country and what it stands for. If you even come close to believing there should be no police? Get out of my life because I have no idea what you're thinking. It's the same mentality as those that hate people based on color, gender, religion, etc without knowing the individual. Get a grip haters, most of you are too cowardly to protect yourselves so you might want to support your local police department.


https://www.yahoo.com/news/police-officers-asked-stop-dining-154928069.html

Are we on a downward spiral?

This post isn't for everyone but I've noticed over the years how people have become more angry and bitter. I first noticed it in New York and slowly to California. When I visit places like Scotland, Canada, Australia, and even Arkansas I notice that a bigger percentage of people are more genuine and cordial. I'm not saying it causes more violence in the US but it doesn't help. When I go through customs in these other places I'm treated like a person. When I go through customs in New York or New Jersey I'm yelled at and treated like cattle. So I smile and joke with them. I've even been sent through extra security for telling a TSA agent that she needed an attitude adjustment and made to miss a flight by customs because I'm a smart ass to rude people.

I definitely still get angry but I realize it soon and I check myself (or My family checks me). Most people that know me can attest I'm generally a class clown jokester. But one thing that pushes my buttons is someone treating someone else badly. From personal experience as a young kid being that angry person I know for a fact it will only hurt you. I didn't tell my wife happy anniversary on Facebook on June 7th like many of you do. We first met in August of 1995. But I do credit her and appreciate her for helping me see that love is the most powerful aspect of life. Even though we've had tough times, I have 3 wonderful young adults because of her. I also wouldn't be the person I am happy to be today without her.

Be the reason someone else has a good day by just showing some genuine kindness. I've decided I have to speak up even though I'm generally insecure and afraid of what people think. I have to ignore my own self doubt and realize there are people out there like me that wear their heart on their sleeve and are a bit different.

Also, not many of you are still reading this, but if you are you know I love you. Stay strong and may we find a way to fix the downward spiral were on as a species. It's on us as a whole and we can't depend on the Donald Trumps or Hillary Clintons to fix it for us.

I can't stand BET!

Speeches like Jesse Williams at the BET awards last night is what I believe sets us back as a species. Another rich person trying to tell others that he's fighting the fight? What fight? It's similar to Hillary Clinton giving a speech on inequality while wearing a 14k dollar Armani suit. First, I loathe BET. If black people want to be equal then they should be happy being equal. Instead, they want what nobody else is allowed to have. A channel and awards show only celebrating black people. Wait, where are Will and Jada Smith at? Why aren't they complaining that no white people were nominated for any awards last night?


Jesse Williams trying to compare himself and others today to "branded slaves" is laughable. Look, there are many examples of racism today. We all share the same struggle though. We all struggle, I don't care what color you are. There are impoverished white people just like there are black people. But, if you're telling yourself that someone else is keeping you down? Then you're keeping yourself down. You are responsible for getting yourself out of your situation and into an environment that will help you thrive. But to try and believe that people like Jesse Williams and Hillary Clinton really care about your struggles? That's just foolish. They just want to feel better about themselves and the fact that they no longer live the struggle. By falsly inserting themselves into the conversation it even enpowers them to feel as though they're a leader in getting people out of the struggle.

Complexity of parenting

I'm a weird parent. Many people have either questioned or wondered about my parenting methods. I'm not claiming to be a great parent or that I'll ever win some sort of award for parenting. But, I do believe I am on to something with some of my methods.

We'll focus on the positives before getting to the negatives. The biggest item is responsibility. If you have a child that is hungry to learn, feed them! In America especially, we coddle young children when they're at their toughest. Young people are very resilient, yet we don't allow them to push themselves in multiple areas. My daughter started doing her own laundry at 6 years old. She said she wanted to learn, so I taught her. We never did her laundry again. She might be tired of doing it now that's she's 22, but she does it!

The other biggest thing is being honest with them. Even with your faults. Who should they learn from more than you? Sometimes kids learn most about what not to do by watching you fail at it. If you say don't do this but you do it that's one thing. But if they live the struggle with you they might have a different perspective. Instead of keeping them away be honest with them on the specifics of how you became addicted or whatever the situation is. I am not afraid to confess my shortcomings to my kids. I'm not quite an open book, but they see things to help them learn. My bank account is an example of what most parents don't share with their children. My parents never shared their struggles with me. As I got older My respect grew but through trial and error. I wish they would have vented about their stresses. We would have learned through them!

The last thing is multi-faceted. In addition to being real with them, love them! That means hugging and saying I love you. You'd be surprised at how much this part helps.

That's really to me the most important things to consider with raising children. I'm not in the clear, and that's what you'll learn as a parent. Parenting is never done. If you want to be a role model? You'll never be done. I plan to always being there for my kids like my parents have been. Well, my dad passed away 6 years ago, but he embodied these fundamentals. I hope to learn more soon as well. In 2016 have a 22 year old, 18 year old, and a 16 year old.