Cindy Stowell

Every once in a while we get to witness a truly remarkable person. I read this story a few days ago about the passing of Cindy Stowell shortly after she finished appearing on and winning 6 times on Jeopardy! I watched all six episodes that she won and the seventh episode where she comes short of winning. Alex Trebek spoke about her after the seventh episode. The quote is in the attached story. She was incredibly intelligent on many different subjects. She was also amazingly calm during the entire seven episodes. composed and gentle I couldn't believe this woman was dominating Final Jeopardy for 6 episodes like a bad ass boss! Her resolve was compelling and I was instantly enthralled by her. She lived in Austin Texas and at only a year older than I am she was a Science content developer. She never once mentions it on the show and never shows any kind of sadness or emotions. I hope to someday be as strong as Cindy Stowell.
Look at that smile:)



https://www.yahoo.com/tv/alex-trebek-pays-heartbreaking-tribute-143800110.html

Richard Spencer and Alternative Right

Some of what Richard Spencer of Alternative Right says is accurate. I also agree with a couple pieces of it. But, I cannot support his extreme views on color. Personally, I believe it should have more to do with culture than color. Richard Spencer refers to himself as European. Well, just like he says to people of other colors go home. In another part he refers to himself as American. Which is it? America was built by immigrants. The American culture exists because so many immigrants came here to escape the problems with their own countries. To enjoy freedoms not allowed in other countries. Unless you're a native American you're talking about taking over a country your ancestors were allowed to come here to be free. Now, you want to declare that you believe that simply because someone is white they are better than anyone of any other color? I believe in the American Culture and was part of a military that fought for our country to defend it. I am a middle class American who pays 30 percent of my pay to taxes. My kids attend school in Orange County, CA which have amazing schools but also contains the "Orange Curtain". There is a large group of people that are racist. When they see a black person they make jokes or assume negatives about that person. As a half white half brown person I guess I don't see myself the way others see me. I walk into a meeting at an airport where I'm being looked at as the expert in my industry and some people don't like it. That represents immigrants taking over the country to them. So in a way I can't fault someone like Richard Spencer for hating because of that naive feeling. The problem is that I represent exactly what he should be embracing. Instead, he spits out some idealistic rhetoric about how whites conquered this country and thus have the right to define what it's about. This is the exact reason why people say Richard Spencer is merely a 5 minute of fame type of individual we see constantly. Look, bring it Spencer. If you think you and your low IQ white supremacists will overtake a country full of a race that supports Land of the free and home of the brave I dare you to try. I'm a peaceful man that just wants to love and create more love. I truly do believe love is the answer. While I still struggle to feel love all day every day I still believe it's the answer. Things like Pride are the anti-love.

Spencer creates division among a race. He talks about the white race but if he spent just a few minutes learning about the facts he'd realize there is only 1 race. That's the human race. Color is not a race. Color is a pigment created by where your ancestors lived their lives. When people first migrated from Africa many went to Europe. Well, many parts of Europe have little sun and therefore many of it's residents have pale colored skin that evolved with it's environment. While people that stayed in Africa where it's mostly sunny remained dark to adapt to the climate in that country. When you visit a country you can simply look at it's climate and then at the people and instantly understand why they are the color they are. That's it! That's as deep as color goes. Instead of color Richard Spencer should look at culture. He's correct that many people maybe should look to a location that shares their culture. But to think that color automatically makes someone superior to another color? That is absolutely lunacy and to me shows how naive and uncultured someone is. Let's say a person if from a small town with no black people. Well, now they have no interaction so anything they hear becomes fact to them. But if you actually take the time to learn about people in different places you'll learn there are wonderful people in every color. Stay with me please. I know I run on and on but I have a point. Let's say you have a neighborhood in California for example. A white family and black family live next door to each other for 3 generations. Don't you think that those families will be similar after 3 generations? There may be some distinctions that remain in their families through culture. But, after attending the same schools and society they'll probably share many similarities. That's why I say that people like Richard Spencer are a problem for society not a solution. I've researched him and looked at his background. He's educated and speaks articulately. But he's completely loony when it comes to his goals.

Spencer wants to have all colors simply go back to their original countries. Unless it's white European. White Europeans he says should be allowed to live with their own color here in the United States. How in any kind of reality does that make any sense? I respect his opinion and he's allowed to have any opinion he wants. That's the difference between me and others. I believe people should be allowed to feel how they want. Instead, our society believes in political correctness. That means that you can feel however you want as long as you don't tell anyone about it. Unless how you feel is acceptable to political correctness. Then, you're good to go. But what if you just don't believe that a man should identify as a woman? Well, these days you better not say that at work or in any public environment unless you want fury unleashed on you be all the politically correct police. I believe that people should be allowed to not agree. Doesn't mean that it's right just that they have the freedom to feel however they want. I cannot identify with someone who was born a woman but identifies with being a man but I can definitely empathize with them. While it might not make sense to me I can only imagine the persecution and hate a person must endure for identifying that way. But why should anyone else care what that individual does? Why should I have the right to care what happens in that person's personal life? If everyone had the same opinion then where would free thinking and creativity go? Instead, I should be able to listen to Richard Spencer's opinion on white supremacy and then intelligently respond with my disagreements. If I am not educated enough to speak on it then I should let someone else who is respond. Too many times we also have opinions when we either do not know the facts or where we don't know enough to have an opinion. In color I believe I have some education in the matter. As an only child between my mother and father I have a white half brother and a half black sister. I am half brown. I only say brown because I do not know my father and his name is not on my birth certificate. I think he's Mexican but I don't know that. My mother is originally of Scottish descent and is a white girl that was born in Texas and grew up in California.

I have also lived with many colors throughout my life. I was born in Pomona and lived there between 5th grade and 7th grade. I lived in Hacienda heights from birth to second grade. I lived in San Bernardino from 2nd grade to 4th grade. Whittier for a summer before 5th grade and then Phelan from 7th grade to high school graduation. During that time I had to run home from both Crips and Bloods in Pomona, Cholos in Whittier, while also trying to stand up for myself against them and racist white people. At no time though after experiencing all this did I ever consider disliking any color because of a few bad people. I remember a black girl that I liked in 5th grade named Anissa Hill. Her mother and father both had good careers. They had more money than my family did. Yet, my uncle who was basically my dad told me that he better never see me walking next to a "nigger" again. It changed my life forever. Until then I don't think I had ever really seen racism. I remember how sweet and innocent Anissa Hill was. To automatically assume she is no good because of her color hurt my mind. I believe I have a lot of experience with hate, racism, poverty, and segregation to give a solid opinion of it's affects. I can only imagine how my sister Michelle feels about it. As a half black half white girl she endured much worse than I ever did. After my dad saying the N word I actually turned to my sister and wondered what she felt about what she just heard. But I knew better than to ask her where he could hear. But I can tell you that I had to fight many people that disrespected my sister with race hating words. At no time did it cause me to assume all white people were racist and filled with hate. But as an American I know I have biases and hate towards people that I assume are the same as someone I encountered negatively. It's ok to have the feelings but without us being able to talk it out how are we supposed to learn?

I agree with Richard Spencer about the one sided nature of racism. If black and brown can have pride why not white? Why should you not be able to be proud of your color without being racist. While I believe pride is one of the problems with many things I also believe in freedom of expression. Be proud if that's important to you. But don't hate. I have no pride in my color. I try not to have any pride at all. I try to embrace humility and love. My color does not define me although it might have some things to do with my personality. For example: I was raised mostly by white people. We ate American type food but dang it if I don't instinctively want to mix everything and put it in a burrito. I love tacos! Should I be ashamed of that? No, but I have black friends that will never be seen with a watermelon, grape kool aid, or fried chicken just to avoid the stereotype. I don't really care. I'll put a lawnmower in my truck and munch on some tamales like a Boss! If people want to judge me go for it. I'd prefer they actually said it to my face. But instead our society believes in smiling in your face and talking negatively behind your back. Anyways, I just wanted to vent about how I believe people like Richard Spencer are misguided but in some ways I can understand why they are.

The media

At 40 years old I have a completely different perspective than I did when I was 20. I believe I am only starting to truly learn the power of media. I used to eat up the information being fed to me. Now, I do my own research and compare the information being reported by multiple sources.

I've found that the news changes based on the media outlet reporting the situation. It really became apparent during the 2016 Presidential election. CNN, MSNBC, FOX, all have different perspectives. In my opinion instead of telling people how they should think, they should instead report data. Let the people interpret the information themselves. It is obvious that CNN is heavily Democrat while Fox is Republican. The hosts for each of these networks were hired because they share the vision of the people that run each network.

Why immigration does not work from some countries

Although people associate race with their disdain for other people. It's actually a very shallow view of discrimination. The real factor people should look at is culture.

The reason I don't approve of bringing in hundreds of thousand people from Syria is culture. I know many people of different colors that actually have the same culture while I know many of the same color that do not have the same culture. I have Muslim neighbors from Iran who are respectful and peaceful people. I can hear their Muslim prayers from my house as I recognize it from my time in the Middle East. But while they are Muslim they also enjoy American culture. They love American movies and spend much of their free time tending their beautiful yard that is full of fruit trees and gardens. I admire their love for fresh fruit and aesthetically pleasing work they've done to their yard. The husband Sam is a handy man and him and I have spoke many times. I've helped him carry things in from his car including an aquarium. He shares his pomegranates with me. I have enjoyed our interaction. While his wife is very quiet she is extremely pleasant and leaves every morning to what I assume is work.

There are other people from the Middle East that I don't get along with. These are individuals who do not approve our Western culture. They are often not very nice and openly criticize us and laugh while speaking their languages to each other. They only associate and speak to their own culture and people while distancing and avoiding interaction with Americans. They also make little effort to learn the language even though they expect to stay in America long term. While I don't expect people visiting America to necessarily learn the language I do if someone expects to live here. If I intended to move permanently to another country I would definitely do my best to learn their language. I would assimilate.

As a country why would we want people who disapprove of our culture and don't like us to come here permanently?

How anyone could want hundreds of thousands of people from Syria to come to America without knowing first if they fit in here is surprising to me. They'd be better off finding a place somewhere where they would be comfortable and happy. The gray area here is that there are different cultures that can fit in peacefully without problems. But to let thousands of people in mass in is a mistake in my opinion. It only creates more tension internally in our country than already exists. It also strains current social programs that are already on the verge of collapse. They take money from social security which I have paid into for over 30 years to give to those programs. Leaving me without the program that I have paid into with over 30 years of hard work.

I'm of Mexican descent. For hundreds of years people from Mexico have been coming to America from Mexico. For many generations they felt privileged to come to a country with so many freedoms. When I was a boy the older generation would encourage the younger generation to speak english and assimilate. Although there is a problem in the US with many Mexican immigrants abusing social programs by having more kids than they can afford in order to receive more money from these social programs. US citizens who have been in this country for many generations continue to do the same thing. I blame the system mostly for this problem not the people abusing it. But as a whole I have not found that these cultures of people hate Americans and everything we believe in. They don't threaten to destroy us and bomb our people by claiming their religion tells them to do it.

I blame this on political correctness. Instead of people speaking how they feel and think they say what they what they think others will want them to feel and say. Media and extreme liberal views convince them to endorse this mass immigration without ever looking deeply into the results of this experiment. There is nothing wrong in my opinion with disagreeing with allowing this to happen. Eventually it'll create an internal civil war which is probably the plan of many that support this. While many are right now thinking I am paranoid we are already witnessing many violent events by people who currently live in America. Some who were born here. While there are examples of Americans with no affiliation to these cultures also committing these acts they are few compared to those claiming to do it because of their culture. I could easily argue that out of hundreds of thousands of people at least a few from a place that widely hate our country will not only empathize but attempt to carry out violence against our people.

In a country that already has issues with violence why would some of government so strongly support bringing in hundreds of thousands of people with no questions asked? While many in our country blindly support this plan missions more oppose it. Many will blindly say that many of us are racist and oppose immigration this is simply not the case. Many people have already been affected by violence at the hands of these haters and you can't blame them for opposing these plans. Others fear what could happen not because we oppose immigration but because we oppose the forced acceptance of more people that hate us into this country. I will always support immigration by those with cultures who want to live peacefully with our freedoms I will never support allowing people into this country who hate our culture and want to replace our culture with their own. If their culture and countries are so great, then they should stay there or return to their country. If not adapt and support the cultures that live peacefully in such a wonderful free country.

Why it's not right for millennials to riot because Donald Trump won but protesting is a right

I don't understand the current situation in America. I can understand protesting if something happens that is against humanity. But when a candidate other than yours wins in a democracy and you riot? All you're doing is saying that you do not agree with democracy. Sure, I've had questions of whether the system or voting is rigged. But when I sat there Tuesday watching the election results I realized how close the vote was. It showed me that I was not crazy. For months I was being told by the media that Hillary Clinton was going to win easily against Donald Trump. I couldn't understand that. How could people vote for someone so corrupt? But I was prepared to accept it. I wouldn't have been happy but as an American all I ask is that it is fair, just, and democratic. What Hillary supporters have shown since the winner was announced is that they are willing to accept the results as long as it's their candidate that wins. I heard over and over from democrat leaders that when Hillary won all Trump supporters should accept it and then all come together. But when it ended up being the opposite those same people didn't accept it. 

My biggest problem with many of these people is that they don't really do any research into why they're voting for Hillary Clinton. They listen to her speak and see her smile and they take it at face value. They don't accept that she has done many things that are not in the best interest of America. But even with that I would have accepted if she would have won. I would have peacefully explained why I didn't agree and I would have learned as much as possible about future candidates from both parties that I could vote for. I would not riot or protest. The same people rioting would mostly run and hide if there was a war or revolution in this country. They don't understand the sacrifice that was made for the freedoms that they have. I heard one girl say that people have to die to change things. That's not true. With the sources of communication we have there are other options. We can all agree on many things that need to be done. It can be done peacefully. These young kids have no idea what they're asking for. They have never seen war. They have no idea how it is in countries where it is actually unfair. Or places that are at war. I have been in the military and in many countries that have no freedoms. Many countries where women are treated less than men are. In America women have all the freedoms men do. 

I'm not a Republican and I'm not a Democrat. I voted for George Bush in 2000 and I voted for Obama in 2008. I'm not saying I was right and in many ways I was not smart enough and still am not wise enough to know the right answer. Voting for Donald Trump could end up being a mistake. But I do know that he identified some major problems in this country. He spoke about people losing jobs in the rust belt. Deductibles and premiums skyrocketing for many of us. The irresponsibility of bringing in hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees into this country without knowing who they are or their feelings about America. Fixing the problems with our borders. All of these things spoke to not just me but millions of Americans. I'm not a white man. The statements being made that this is "whitelash" for a black president is so unfair. I don't believe Hillary's message resonated with as many people along with them not being able to trust her. Those things hurt her as much as anything. It's possible that Trump will not work out. That's as much my fault as anyone elses. We all spend too much time watching Netflix and playing video games and too little time paying attention to things that matter. Most of us don't spend enough time researching and learning as much as possible about these candidates and then complain when things get worse. 

 Unfortunately for Hillary Clinton she only has herself to blame. Hillary has never had the best interest of America in mind when she does business. The fact that she had an email server is not the important part. It's what the emails revealed. It revealed her pay to play methods. It revealed that she was attempting to negotiate with the FBI to unclassify her emails in exchange for staffing in different places. Once Benghazi happened she ordered all emails, devices, etc destroyed. Then, she lied and tried to say she never heard anything about Benghazi. Her staff pleaded the 5th. Chelsea used the Clinton foundation as her personal checking account to pay for her wedding. At what point do these types of things disqualify someone from becoming President? It had nothing to do with Clinton being a woman or white men. I'm not a white man. The Clinton campaign worked hard to uncover dirt on Trump. All they found was one video from over ten years ago where he made improper comments about women. I don't condone it but I will admit that I have made similar comments as have many people I have known. Especially in my younger years.

Let me also say that I am no fan of Trump. Actually quite the opposite. I do not like Trump. I feel he's a trust fund baby. But when he talked about what he wanted to do as President it spoke to me and millions of others. Heavily flawed just like the other candidate I don't pretend that he is perfect. If he would have lost I would have accepted it. I would have worked harder to find the correct candidate to vote for next time and learned. I would have never been so arrogant to think that because my candidate didn't win that I deserved to riot and refuse to accept the results of an election. A process that has worked for hundreds of years. These children protesting have no idea what they're doing. They do not have the experience or knowledge to make a decision to protest or riot. 

Another day another shooting

Tulsa Oklahoma police officer Betty Shelby was arrested for manslaughter after shooting Terence Crutcher.


This is another situation in which there is video taken of the incident. Not one but actually multiple. I find it amazing that we can all watch a video of a situation and so many different views of what happened. I watch it and in the helicopter video I cannot hear anything so technically I don't know if the police are telling him to freeze or stop moving. They obviously told him to put his hands up because he has them up most of the time. There is also a police video but it's from behind the officer that shoots Terence so you can't really see what's going on. I also could not completely hear what's going on. So for me there is no way for me to know exactly what happened. What I do know is that Terence takes his hands down and appears to reach into the vehicle.

The officer has stated that she told him to stop and he not only didn't stop but didn't answer her questions. If she told him to freeze and put his hands up then why did he not listen? I've heard his sister speaking out about this and how he's a respectable man. About how the guy in the helicopter can be heard saying he looks like a bad man and that it looks like he's on something. She also talked about how the cops had no good reason to make him put his hands in the air in the first place. My opinion is that none of that matters when deciding whether the officer had cause to shoot him. It doesn't matter who he is as an individual or whether the guy in the helicopter was profiling. None of that matters in respects to the shooting. The helicopter pilot can be accused of making inappropriate comments. But that is completely separate from the shooting.

All I need to know for the shooting is whether officer Shelby's training reinforces her actions. We as civilians have no idea what it's like in a moment like that. I do know that people should listen to the commands given by police whether they think they deserve it or not. If they disagree they can file a report. Eventually, if enough people complain about an officer they'll be disciplined. That's our system we created we have to follow it. Or fix it as a society. But going with the facts it sure looks like Terence Crutcher disobeyed commands to stop, answer questions, keep his hands up, etc. Just because there was no gun found at the scene does not mean there was not a threat that he did have one. To me it doesn't matter if he's black or white.



At one point he can be clearly seen taking his hand down and reaching into the car. At that point how is an officer supposed to know what he's reaching for? People are also saying she should have tased him instead. When you're in a moment of wondering if someone is going to pull out an AR15 and start shooting I don't know if the mind of some people works fast enough to choose. I also don't specifically know what her training says. I do know that if I had several police pointing guns at me and they told me to freeze and put my hands in the air? You better believe I'm going to stand as still as possible and keep my hands in the air as high as possible. You tell me to jump I'm going to say how high? If they shoot me the video is no doubt going to show they acted inappropriately. By disobeying multiple commands it gives benefit of the doubt as to whether the officer was acting inappropriately. Nothing anyone else said or did matters when discussing the actual shooting. Are some cops racist, yes. Are they all, no.

I feel horrible for Terence's family, I also feel horrible for Betty Shelby. If it turns out she is a bad person then I won't feel as horrible for whatever happens to her. That's a sinister thought though isn't it? Assuming that she is a racist killer instead of looking objectively and realizing the situation got out of hand? That sounds like a dark place to me. I hope an organization wouldn't hire someone that believes a black man deserves less justice and equality than a white man. I'm not saying it doesn't happen but as a whole I hope that we are way more mature than that as a society. Terence should have followed orders like we all have to do sometimes. I'm not judging him just pointing out that people are rushing to judgement but the simple fact is that with guns pointed at him he continued to disobey orders. Yes, I wish there was a way for them to have tased him instead. But, for people to just align this with all other shootings by cops of black individuals is gross negligence. Whether the man was white or black he still put himself in the situation by continuing to walk to his vehicle, then taking his hands down, and also appearing to reach into the vehicle. I just ask people to respect the police and do as your told. Don't challenge them while they have guns pointed at you. Your life is too valuable and expecting another human to perform brilliantly in the moment of stress and crisis is outside of your control. Instead keep yourself alive to go home to your family. Death is way more serious than profiling, racism, lack of sympathy/empathy. Live to fight another day. After this was done he could have sued and forced changes for things like media in helicopters making rash judgments about whether someone is a bad person or on drugs. Put focus on whether the police had the right to stop him or pull guns on him. Instead, we're discussing another situation where no matter what your opinion is. There is no clear fault in this situation. Only another person not going home to their family and another police officer facing charges as well as living the rest of her life knowing she killed a man.

Here is a link to the story

http://abcnews.go.com/US/tulsa-police-officer-shares-side-story-terence-crutchers/story?id=42243843

How I feel turning 40

I often reflect. It gives me perspective of where I've been and where I'm going. Although I do not dwell on the past I often become depressed in the moment. I'm consistently a positive thinking person, but I think I tend to write more when I'm down. I think it's because I prefer to talk about the positive things where as people don't like to focus on the negatives. They're uncomfortable talking about anything people might construe as not politically correct or happy thoughts. But as I turned 40 on September 2nd I've done a lot of thinking about where I've been and where I'm going.

First, let me state that I've accomplished more than I ever hoped to in life. As a poor kid from the streets of Southern California I see now that my goals were small and my expectations tempered. At 17 years old I thought that I would be content with 65,000 dollars a year salary with no thoughts of a family. While already exceeding that salary and also having a family I feel that my life has already peaked. Is this my mind once again aiming too low? With my youngest child nearly 17 years old I'm nearing the end of my era of kids. Although parenting never ends I believe in treating them like adults, especially once they turn 18. I feel that if you are open with kids and put more of the responsibility of their future on them, they adapt to the responsibilities. I have no special formula for raising kids but I do believe that with trust, love, and honesty you can gain their confidence, loyalty, and trust. I also don't put any expectations on them as far as careers and making money. I simply have stressed to them the importance of finding happiness and peace.

As a child I remember my parents telling me to become a doctor or a lawyer because that's where the money is. But for a person who can't even watch surgeries on tv shows and can't stand ruthless people those careers were out of the question. Instead, I went for what I had a knack for that also pays well. Computers were something I already spent many hours around so why not make it a career. It's also not a career where your body breaks down doing it. Although I should have taken into consideration the damage it has done to my eyes. Like they say though hindsight's 20/20. As a computer guy I've enjoyed some success and some frustration. Although the work is not physically strenuous in my career it is strenuous on the nerves. I've been responsible for every door and camera working at an airport and government but to me the money doesn't reflect that kind of risk. I've had directors of airports breathing down my neck while our sales guy sat and chatted about golf at the same time. But I can think of many worse careers so overall I am satisfied with my career choice. My other choices were to stay in and retire from the Navy, fireman, restaurant manager, or banker.

With my kids I have allowed them to envision their own futures and embrace the passions that they feel. My 22 year old daughter was fairly easy. Although I did not see her married and having a child by the age of 22 I did see her as either an English teacher or a nurse. Now that she is a medical assistant going to school for her nursing degree I feel I was close. My 18 year old starts school at UC Irvine on September 22nd and is currently slotted for either business management or business economics. Since he excels in math and passed the AP Calculus test in high school I felt that he should incorporate his passion of sports into what he excels at. I don't know if he'll integrate sports into his career or if he'll change his mind about his major. I do know that he is a confident young man who is also a good person. I have confidence he'll continue to think things through and be happy at whatever it is he decides. My 16 year old is the final piece of the puzzle. He is the most gifted of my three kids although he doesn't always work at it. He also has a heart of gold and warms my heart with the way he treats others. With a passion for writing and theatre he also excels in science. He was just awarded the lead role in the fall high school play and he constantly reads and writes. I can see him as someone who performs on broadway or becomes an english teacher who also works to become a successful published author. Whether they achieve these goals I am very excited for each of their futures and honestly could not be any happier with the individuals they have become.

For me, I hate to sound negative but I feel I've had my better days. I no longer have the perception that the world is a wonderful place or that you can achieve whatever you want through hard work and dedication. There are gray areas that surround us and sometimes you also need luck and help. As a kid who moved out of the house before I turned 17 I came from humble beginnings. Often sleeping in places like a car at a lake or unknown apartments. I learned very early how to look out for myself as well as my brother and sister. I've witnessed too much violence and started my adult life off with too much anger. As I see many people around me receive support from their families I have very little family. Although I reconnected with my mother in 2013 I never saw her again after 1989. She left us when I was in fourth grade and I also have never met my father. I often look at others who had seemingly normal childhoods with jealousy and envy. People who could reach out and borrow some money or if needed move back into their parents house. Instead, I've had to pay rent like clockwork since I was 16. I'm so tired sometimes. But I prefer not to ask for it to be any other way. In life you better be careful what you ask for. Instead I take my lessons and try to learn from them. Although I started raw and naive of the business life I learn as I go. When I feel a defeat I learn from it and come back stronger and more determined. I resist the urge to resent people and I work to stay humble. I feel I'm no better than anyone else because I have no idea what each person has gone through. I also try to become a better person each day. I have inner demons like anyone else and I fight to suppress them or extinguish them and I refuse to give up. Although they call 40 mid life I have no fantasy about reaching 80 years old. The oldest person in my family was my mother who lived to be 64. I was happy that her and I were able to make peace before she passed. But at no point did I try to bring up memories from the past that were not pleasant. Instead, I focused on the good times wanting my mother to know that the important thing was I am happy and that I hold no anger towards her for my childhood. I still miss her every day.

I also have an opportunity coming that can change the course of my family forever. When my daughter turned 19 she moved into her uncle's house. Her and her mom did not see eye to eye and while her mother was on vacation in Colorado she moved her stuff out. But now, my daughter, her husband, and their two kids (he already had a son when they met) are going to move into our house to save money. It'll also give my wife and I a chance to save money and pay off some debt. It won't be easy and some lessons will be learned. I've been thinking long and hard of ways to make this successful as well as doing what I can to prevent failure. I will go into this open minded and amendable. I look forward to the opportunity and look forward to the opportunity to watch the family grow and bond together. To help ensure this happens I have quit drinking again. My wife has agreed to as well. I hope that we can all share memories while making things easier for each other. While there is no guarantee it'll all go smooth I do believe it'll turn out the way it was meant to. I hope I'm mature enough to lead this family even if someone doesn't follow. As well as being open to learning new lessons. But most importantly continuing to grow into a man and person that my family can rely on and look up too. Because although I believe my best days are behind me I will continue to grow and live. I could surprise myself and once again achieve more joy and happiness than I ever thought possible. I do know that even if I die tomorrow and although I do have regrets I work not to dwell on them. I continue to believe that I've enjoyed more success in ways that cannot be measured and have lived a blessed life. If it all ends I want my loved ones to not be sad. I just hope that I'll be remembered as someone who helped his family reach new levels of happiness that they didn't think was possible. I want to provide them love, comfort, and stability. Pushing future generations to new heights never imagined by previous generations. Oh, and I also hope to enjoy the rest of my life. Maybe play a little golf, laugh, love, and most importantly find the answers to what my purpose is on this earth. Or to hopefully find out at the end of my journey that I accomplished what I was here for. That it was a plan that I carried out in spite of all the odds and challenges because above all I'm happy to be a survivor.