Love should be uncontrollable

I love uncontrollably









I’m a mess. I wear my passion and feelings on my sleeve. Might as well wear the words on my shirt. I spit it. Can’t help it. It’s my destiny to come up short. But, in the end I’ve already won. Everything from this point on is house money. I’ve already won. Ask anyone. I shouldn’t even be here. But, I will not let arrogance or ego consrume me. I have made a promise to myself. Stay humble and keep it real. I’ve accepted my existence. Have already made my mark. I no longer have any ambitions to achieve any of societies measurements. I just hope I continue the ascent instead of starting to descend. Ascension is discovering the meaning of life. While descending is the admittance of mortality.

Ode to mothers

As we approach Los Angeles on United flight 1871 I sit in seat 26C. Economy plus is just enough leg room to stretch out a little bit. The seats all have power and usb connections with free movies and tv shows. After an hour delay because of maintenance the flight is almost over. Across the aisle from me is a mother with her two daughters. Mothers amaze me with the sacrifice they are willing to commit for their children. During the flight she laid on the ground of their row so that her daughters could stretch out and sleep on the three seats. A woman many times will show incredible humility to provide comfort for their children. Although there are many women who lack empathy and view their children as burdens, much more possess compassion for the youth. After a nearly six hour flight from Newark I still have an hour Uber ride from LAX to Orange County. My bed is calling me and I often wonder what the hell I'm doing traveling all over for a job. My legs cramped and my ass is sore. As foul as that sounds it's a reality. Waking up at 6am ET it is now 2:15AM ET the next day. I know, I know. I'm a big fucking cry baby, lol. I admit I'm a big pussy many times. My emotions sometimes border on possessive of my mind. Often leading me to foul thoughts of negativity. I work to push those thoughts aside and instead view the light. I feel the landing gear go down and now we touch down. I am thankful to feel. I am appreciative of my empathy. I would not trade my experiences and lessons in life for any type of entitlement or greed. It's because of these that I can continue to learn. Maybe someday I will experience enlightenment and discover the secrets of this life. To lie there before death understanding that I've reached my goals. Not only dying in peace but also with a smile on my face. Because I have climbed the mountain and felt the warmth of a journey with a purpose. I am thankful for those that empathize and see each person no matter what color, as their brother or sister. To want their happiness and peace as they would for their own child who they look down at with great fondness and love. It is 4:20AM ET and I'm back in the OC. My Uber ride was fantastic considering the circumstances. When I opened the Uber app it was 70 bucks and a woman named Latoya in a Chevy Malibu picked me up. She was super chill and genuine person. I enjoyed talking to her. She is 40 years old just like me. Her birthday was January 10th. I believe everything happens for the reason. Time for sleep.

Homelessness growing 2017

I work in Anaheim, CA. My office is down the street from tent city, Anaheim. I can’t touch on the entire subject of being homeless now, but I do know why it’s getting worse. It won’t stop for many reasons. Although being homeless isn’t always a problem, most of the time it is. Some people don’t want societies’ idea of being free. Working at least eight hours a day five days a week just to barely make it does not sound enticing to some.

I believe these tent cities are most prevalent in big cities because that’s where the concentration of wealth and jobs are. I’m sure many homeless believed they would find a job eventually in the cities they are now homeless in. The hopes of finding a new job stays a hope in their head until eventually they can’t even afford to do laundry. With so much competition for work they end up at a disadvantage. Now they are desperate. Begging for food and money from people that they may have been close to being colleagues with.

Before you bash the homeless as lazy or drug and alcohol addicted let me agree with you on something. Many homeless are lazy, addicted, mentally ill even. But many genuinely really tried. Think about how you would make it if you had no family. Nobody to lean on if you lost your job. How much savings do you have? Or, if you stayed at home and take care of the children and your spouse that worked just took off. I’m just trying to explain how it’s hard to discern each situation from one another. I try to think of each person’s situation as unique.

I personally know people who are on the verge of homelessness. My own brother lost his apartment three weeks ago. I offered for him to come live with me. But, he lives two hours away and wants to stay near his children. Luckily he has a friend named Bill that lets him live in his RV. It devastates my brother. He turned to drinking for a while. Fortunately, he’s found a new job. I’ve been laid off and just like my brother, I have no family to lean on in tough times. In certain ways I have caused my own financial stress, so I can’t complain about the struggle. Although the struggle is real for many? I bought my wife a Lexus. Not exactly frugal spending.

Back to societies version of being free. I started working at a young age. Newspaper route in fifth grade, cleaning yards for four dollars an hour, McDonalds 16, etc. I’ve been paying taxes for over thirty years. At times I’m worn out from this living. While I am thankful for being as fortunate as I am. Some Mondays though I don’t want to get up for work. So i can see why some would prefer to live their day actually free. Let’s be real. Unless you are lucky and inherited a large amount of money, or a house you are forced to join society. Sure, there are plenty of people thriving every day doing something they love, or passionate about. But, fact is if you want to pay for your home, car, food, etc? You have no choice but to (one of my favorite Jim Morrison lines) trade your hours for a handful of dimes. Along with that comes taxes and the politics and culture of wherever you work. I love what I do for a living, but I hate the Capitalistic part of it. Love free enterprise but I hate people taking advantage of others. Yet, that’s literally the definition of Capitalize. Instead, it should be win win.

Rent is rising faster than income in this country, especially California. The lowest rent I know of in Orange county is around 1,300. That’s a one to maybe two bedroom. In a not so great area of whatever city you live in. Anaheim, Huntington, Santa Ana, etc. That might even be on the low side. To be in nicer areas or South Orange County it’s more like 1,600-2,000. I pay 2,500 currently. A couple of months without a job and that can be hard to keep up with. For someone that has no family, a few months without work and you could be living on the streets.

But, why aren’t we free? Why is there so few places that you can stay for free? If this is a free country, then why aren’t there any free places to stay? You can go to the beach for free, if you don’t bring a car. But don’t try to sleep on the beach, you’ll get arrested. You hve to pay for camp spots. Can’t sleep in a park most of the time. Especially in California. So your telling me the state where it is actually warm enough to sleep outside, there are virtually no free places to stay? Why are we not actually free?

While I may have digressed from my main point about homelessness. It doesn’t change the fact that it’s not going away. The economy may be

Earth is going to be angry

People are going to laugh at me. But, that would be silly. There is a huge oil leak in the pipeline from Canada. The pipeline was never a good idea, in my opinion. We should be moving on from oil. If it wasn’t for all of the profit in the industry it would have already happened. There are plenty of alternative energy sources. But, don’t tell that to the oil companies or their team of politicians and lobbyists. Now, we have to face the fact that our earth is damaged permanently.






Im not a religious or an environmental activist. I just have common sense. Let me explain it to you. In the past history of our planet there have been many events that have ended the planets dominant species existence at the time. Go back and investigate it. The earth seems to reboot itself every some thousand years or so. While I don’t believe the dinosaurs contributed to their demise in ways humans have, it ended anyways. Thus is the evolution of the planet. While we will ultimately cause our existences extermination to be expedited. We didn’t cause it’s inevitable end. Speeding up global warming didn’t cause it to happen.






Can any of us argue that something cataclysmic is going to happen to our civilization? Whether it is natural or caused by humans, do you agree we’re headed to turmoil? While some of it is our planet. Our society is also at a crossroads. Are they related? While I might be upset at an oil spill or gas leak. I’m more disturbed by man’s goal to end our species before the planet has a chance to do it to itself.






Planet earth will reset itself and another species will emerge dominant. Throughout history each reset has brought forth a more advanced life form. Maybe the next species will figure out the puzzle that is life and manifest destiny. If not? Earth will ultimately prevail and give yet another species the chance to figure out the puzzle. Our species had it’s chance but can’t even get past something as basic as accepting other colors of the same human race.









I used to believe we could find the solution. Now, I believe the end result has already been triggered. That is why some are enjoying the ride while it lasts. While others are doing their best to either contribute to it’s demise, or capitalize while they can. Either way, the future will soon be the past and the chaos will only get worse until it happens.






Signed,


Nogloom all doom

Southern Hospitality in Mississippi

I'm going to Jackson. Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash's voices are in my head. I wondered why Johnny Cash would write a song about going to Mississippi. I went to A School in Meridian, MS in 1994. Now, here I am going to Magee, MS for work. I'm on the plane watching a few episodes of Shameless and I missed half of the Raider/Jets game. Planes are uncomfortable and a rip off. They wanted 26 dollars for internet on the flight. Sometimes corporations make me sick with their focus on profits. But overall after flying hundreds of thousands of miles I'm so tired of travel. I'd rather sleep in my own bed and be with my family. I'll be working for Sempra energy, which is one of those companies I don't even like. I have Socal gas which is owned by Sempra and all they care about is profits.

My first flight was American Airlines from Santa Ana, CA and now flying from Dallas Texas to Jackson Mississippi. It's 8:15 on a Sunday night and the plane is pretty full. There are two young ladies sitting behind me. They didn't know each other before the flight but know some of the same people. Their voices have that country sound and I enjoy it. Women in Orange County tend to think they're real housewives on tv. People in the South many times have this down home realness to them and that country twang is very hot! The lady on the right is tall and wearing some daisy duke shorts. She says she's a Systems administrator and a nerd. Nerdy girls are hot!

When I land in Jackson I have to drive 45 miles to Magee. I'm not prepared and have some anxiety about a new town and new customer. I'll probably be up late but will try and have solid focus this week.

It's now Thursday of the same week. My mind is completely changed from before my trip. I realized I had incorrect preconceived notions of Mississippi based on my first experience in 1994 and my perception. Instead what I experienced was an enormous amount of southern hospitality from everyone. I don't believe met one person who treated me anything but respectful. I was called sir and obscene amount of times. I also encountered many of the most sincere individuals ever. It reminded me of Little Rock Arkansas. I didn't get into town until after 11pm. I went to a convenient store and bought some pepper jack cheese and two hard boiled eggs. I want to be bluntly honest so I'm going to point out when Someone is black or white. Because of the reputation MS has I want to address it rather than pretend it doesn't exist. The guy behind the counter at the convenient store was black and in his mid 20s. He looked like one of the cool kids. In CA he would have probably addressed me "sup". Instead, he said "yes sir" "no sir" "thank you sir". I'm not a sir and never will be. I view everyone as my equal. Whether you are the President or a custodian I respect people until given a reason not too. I was surprised and tried to give the courtesy right back. Then came the Holiday Inn Express in Magee. The lady at the counter didnt have my reservation, which I'm used to. She was white and eating some tater tots. She also used sir and quickly got my reservation fixed.

My first morning I was nervous. About to make my first trip to Sempra and My anxieties were kicking in. What if I fail? What if they think I suck? What if what if... Linda, a black woman is preparing the free breakfast at the Holiday Inn Express. I greet her and she asks me how I'm doing. I tell her great and ask her how she's doing. I look at her name tag and ask "how are you today Linda?" She says she's good and asks me my name. I tell her it's danny and she says to have a good day. I look and there are veggie or cheese omelettes, turkey or port sausage, bacon, biscuits, gravy, muffins, milk, orange juice, etc. i get several omelettes, turkey sausage, bacon, milk, and orange juice. I take it up to my room. Excellent quality, especially for a free hotel breakfast. I eat have some coffee and then off to Sempra.

I arrive at Sempra and take a deep breath before I enter. I enter the front door and the interior door is locked. I wait for someone to walk by and let me in. I can't remember the person's name. My anxieties were kicking in. The person guides me to a conference room where I meet three gentlemen. David and Randy are from Sempra corporate which I didn't know immediately and Herman is the site director. Herman is a large man. Not overweight just tall and country. He instantly reminds me of the netflix tv show Longmire. We begin to go over the plan foe the week and I instantly realize I'm being evaluated. I'm used to it. Companies pay a lot of money for me to visit so they expect the God of whatever product they have to walk through. Since you can't always satisfy people I evaluate myself harshly. I care what they think but I'm never surprised when someone surprises me with a skewed evaluation. David is a quite the gentleman and seems to be of hispanic descent and the only hispanic person I met in Mississippi. while Randy is asking me direct questions he is a white man that seems to be not afraid to be candid and ask tough questions.

We begin our efforts by walking to the control room. In the control room I meet Buster. Buster is a black man and quite quiet. I begin by logging into the system. Throughout the three and a half days I visit multiple remote sites and go up to a camera on a light pole using a man lift. I'm not fond of heights but did my best to not show it. Overall the trip was a success and even felt quite confident at times. I met two very good men in Ricky and Armond. Both were solid guys who take care of their family, do good work, and are so respectful. I can't even count how many times Armond called me sir. We drove by his house at one point. He owns 20 acres and had a nice brick home that he had built and he does his own plumbing and electrical. Both men are black and while I personally don't view people differently based on color they do their best to give black people a good name.

While in Magee I visited a few restaurants. I think my favorite was a chain called Zips. The burgers are really good but the fries are battered and so are the onion rings. The culture there was so family oriented I loved it. Many people came up to greet Herman as you can tell he's widely respected. He has an aura around him that supports the sentiment. Mcallister's is a chain but quality. I had the chicken club on Tuesday with steemed veggies and today I had the chicken club salad with ranch. On Monday we went to Berry's which is a buffet. I had fried catfish, chicken, okra, hush puppies, shrimp. I also had chocolate cream pie and fudge. Oh my! I would be 300+ if I lived in Magee. I also ate at Fernando's where I met two people named Barry. One male and one female. Overall it was a wonderful trip outside of work stresses and I have to say Magee has some wonderful people.

I will get strong again

The positive side of going through a tough time in your life is that you learn who is there for you when your at your best and who is there for you always. I've never been a great husband. I don't know if it's because I grew up in broken homes, whether I'm insecure, or if I'm just a crappy husband. I do know that no matter how much of a douche I've been my wife has always been there. Even when she found I cheated on her with our neighbor she still had my back. I have a couple of friends that are the same way and of course my kids always have my back. I don't mean to be a douche in my relationship I'm just a sucker for a woman. That I know is from my childhood. Being introduced to sex at such a young age has me craving it. It's like an addiction. Some people are addicted to alcohol while I'm addicted to naked women. Is that just totally sick? Probably, but I'm just being honest. In this day and age of so much political correctness we as people are sometimes afraid to be mortal and weak. I constantly work to suppress those desires and focus on things that are constructive instead.

What I do know is that I am weak right now I will ultimately be strong again. I'm very resilient and I also strive to become a better person. As I was laying in bed with the wife watching netflix I find that I'm not a cuddler. But instead of fighting it I just try to enjoy what she enjoys. Although I'd rather be out doing something like the beach, fishing, camping, hiking, instead I watched Netflix with the wife. I even baked cookies! I feel like a little bitch sometimes being so damn domesticated. I feel like my alter ego would be a dj at a strip club. "Can i get a warm round of applause for the next dancer coming to the stage, bambi". I mean who really cares right? What the fuck are we doing here anyways. Our society in the US is a complete mess. Half the people hate the President and want him to be impeached because he tweeted inappropriately while the other half just didn't want Hillary Clinton to be President. Why is it a crime to admit I'm a degenerate and that I like to look at and hang out with naked women? I know I know, your a perv danny.

Anyways, back to reality. I do know that I don't give up and I strive to be a better person. When will I learn who is there for my best interests and? Well, who are just there because I'm naturally a giving person. Now that I don't have as much to give the phone calls are less and the friends fewer.

I do have great days

I know i tend to get negative. I talk about the struggles because I hate to brag or boast. On a daily basis I do enjoy life. I'm that guy in the grocery store or anywhere trying to make people smile. I don't know why I come off as depressed and militant. I don't mean too. I think I see reality and I project it.

But, I had an amazing day today. Best day in a long time. I started a new job, and that has had me down for a while. The Dodgers also made some great moves. I'll write about that separately.  thought that I had made a mistake leaving one company for another. I tried desperately to go back but, they wouldn't take me. I got depressed and stressed. I didn't see eye to eye with the owner. He took money out of my paycheck even though I'm salary. My wife called me out and when I spoke up I was the douche. I made the owners mom cry because she works there too and tried to call me out on things. I could have sued them but because I don't believe in that I was the bad guy for bringing it to their attention. His mom's opinion was that they should be able to dock my pay if they feel like it. I should be happy he signs my paycheck is what she said. I think differently. I feel you should appreciate and respect your employees and for the most part they will respect and appreciate you. Today, I started a new job. Continuing my career as a Systems Engineer. It was probably, no it was the best first day ever. I have a lot to learn and it's not going to be easy to succeed. But, is it ever? Do we want it any other way? Ok, we might want it easier. But, I guarantee you that you don't appreciate it unless you have to work hard for it. 

I promise to appreciate what I have, most of the time. But, I also will continue to be honest and real. Life will always be tough and that's how it's suppose to be. It's a journey and a test. In over 2000 years nobody has figured it out. Even the richest found riches are not the goal. If you find the true goal? Call me, I'd really like to know.