I hate not being normal. I always have. All I ever wanted was to fit in. But it's hard when you're so different. From the color of my skin, the way I think, and the way I view the world. Right on queue though my mom's husband calls and tells me my mother died today Tuesday, August 18, 2015. I had to go back and edit a bit because i tried to just keep writing, oblivious to what I had just been told.But as usual I start feeling sorry for myself and something bigger happens and makes me feel dumb. I'm numb right now. I love my mom, a lot. Always have. But I was also angry with her for a long time. Why did she leave us? Why didn't she come back? So many questions flooded my mind for a lot of years.
But even after not hearing from her for 25 years I still love her unconditionally. I don't know all of the demons she carried with her. I just know that for a lot of my life I just wanted to be normal. I wanted a mother and a father. I wanted to have my own room and the same last name as my mom and dad. To have them show up at parent teacher conferences and to watch me play little league. I was jealous and envious of all those that had what I perceived as a normal life. My cousin Ruben has a mother and father who love him. They went to his baseball games and hug him. I didn't have that as a child. But i don't want to be a whiner or get sympathy, I just want to be normal. It's weird what I remember about my mom. In the 80s seat belts were not mandatory. We'd be driving down the street and if she stopped suddenly she would put her arm in front of me to stop me from going forward. This always brings a smile to my face. There is no way her arm could have prevented anything, but that one act made me smile so many times while she was gone over the years. Or one year when I was young and she didn't have any money. She baked cupcakes cause they were cheaper than a cake. When she was gone memories like that made me miss her more.
She was born Lenora Rae Jones on October 9th, 1949 in Odessa, TX. She died Lenora Rae Brunsch on Tuesday, August 18th, 2015 in Waukesha, WI. She is survived by her husband Greg Brunsch, sisters Debra and Sandra Jones, sons michael and danny, and daughter michelle. She had many talents. When we did live with her she was loving and never yelled. She would get me soft batch cookies and 7up when I was sick and she had a beautiful smile. Now I'm writing 3 days later on Friday August 21st. I'm in California and I find myself getting upset with myself for not going and seeing her in Wisconsin. My sister did and she's in Oklahoma. We kept saying when but it never happened. I was suppose to go to a Brewers and Packers game with her and her husband.
I'm trying not to beat myself up but I can't help it. She wanted to be cremated which happened yesterday. During the day I'm at work and I try to not let people know about it or look for sympathy. At night I sit by myself and go over memories. But no matter what she's gone. I did keep all of her voice mails that she left on my phone since we found each other again after 25 years in 2013. I listened to them the last few days and I'm sure I will in the future as well. Rest in peace mom. Know that no matter what happened I love you and I'm happy we were able to get closure with each other. That I was able to express to you that I could never hate you and when I think of you I smile. My mom lived a complicated life but she did it her way.
Now it's October 9th and my mom would have turned 66 today. I wish I would have spent more time with her and would have should have could have. But reality is what it is. I miss her every day and Rest In Peace.
Friday, August 21, 2015
Thursday, July 16, 2015
Classism
We're in a new era in society. With still so many naive people hating over race and gender they don't realize the real separation. That separation is class. Barack Obama might be a black man on the outside but he's an elitist more than anything. He might have come from humble beginnings born to a Kenyan father and mother from Kansas but now he belongs to a different society. There's a society of elitists that believe the lower classes belong to a different society than they do. They believe they know what we need and want more than we know what we need or want. These classists associate based on money and power not race. While many of us normal citizens spend time hating based on color they see us all as the same. People put here to be controlled like sheep.
Instead of us hating each other based on such superficial things like color we should show support for our fellow man that's in a similar situation as us. Are they not fighting the same battle as we are? Are they not trying to support their family the same way you are? So why do we care so much what color someone is but we allow Congress to force us to have healthcare that they don't even use? Why do we care so much about random peoples opinions but we don't care that the elitists continue to make us do things that they don't force themselves to do? Seems like a do as I say not as I do attitude doesn't it? This is where the gray areas come in. People try to associate certain sterotypes with specific ethnic groups or colors. Well sterotypes do generally come from some truth that is assumed to be universal. An example is that some black people are gang member so they all must be. Or some hispanics are here illegally and taking advantage of the system so they all must be. The truth is that there are plenty of good and bad people in every color. If you disagree it says more about you than it does reality.
Instead of us hating each other based on such superficial things like color we should show support for our fellow man that's in a similar situation as us. Are they not fighting the same battle as we are? Are they not trying to support their family the same way you are? So why do we care so much what color someone is but we allow Congress to force us to have healthcare that they don't even use? Why do we care so much about random peoples opinions but we don't care that the elitists continue to make us do things that they don't force themselves to do? Seems like a do as I say not as I do attitude doesn't it? This is where the gray areas come in. People try to associate certain sterotypes with specific ethnic groups or colors. Well sterotypes do generally come from some truth that is assumed to be universal. An example is that some black people are gang member so they all must be. Or some hispanics are here illegally and taking advantage of the system so they all must be. The truth is that there are plenty of good and bad people in every color. If you disagree it says more about you than it does reality.
God over religion
People might get the wrong impression about me by only reading what I write. So much of this is what I think, not all of what I do or say. So many times I'm too much of a coward to say or do. The rest Of the time I'm either too lazy or probably too proud. Just trying to be honest. I write about religion sometimes as if I don' agree, support, or understand. I just believe that religion plays too big a part in peoples lives. Be thankful, thank God, thank those, and be happy. The moment you worship a religion instead of God? You're going in the wrong direction. Don't believe me, or dismiss what I write? How many religions accept other religions? If you automatically exclude someone based on their religion, how do you speak to all people? You either convince them to join your religion at that point, or you rebuke their religion. Why not support your God with the love you have in your heart while using the conscience given to you by a higher power.
The Bible was not written by God, it was written by man. Then, it was translated a bunch of times, by man manipulating to their advantage. Many people have been stranded or stuck without a Bible, Koran, or Book of Mormon and come out of the ordeal thanking God. God lives in you just as the scriptures of Jesus state. "With the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains". Yes, I'm quoting a verse about the son of God from a book I say was written by man. That's because in my heart I believe that it's true. In some ways I'm a hyprocrite. But I do know that people believe I'm not. I also know that people believe God lives within them. I also believe God lives within me. Just don't try to come tell me if I dont accept your God then my life is hopeless. Or worse, your God tells you that you must conquer me for not accepting that your opinion of your religion and with translations explained to you by many different people is fact!
The Bible was not written by God, it was written by man. Then, it was translated a bunch of times, by man manipulating to their advantage. Many people have been stranded or stuck without a Bible, Koran, or Book of Mormon and come out of the ordeal thanking God. God lives in you just as the scriptures of Jesus state. "With the faith of a mustard seed you can move mountains". Yes, I'm quoting a verse about the son of God from a book I say was written by man. That's because in my heart I believe that it's true. In some ways I'm a hyprocrite. But I do know that people believe I'm not. I also know that people believe God lives within them. I also believe God lives within me. Just don't try to come tell me if I dont accept your God then my life is hopeless. Or worse, your God tells you that you must conquer me for not accepting that your opinion of your religion and with translations explained to you by many different people is fact!
Thursday, July 9, 2015
Political Correctness vs. reality and truth
Our society has gone far down a road of political correctness instead of truth. Politically correct is just an accepted way of lying to you. When someone speaks they should speak the truth, not say it in a way that will make everyone accept it. One example is below where society bashed someone for having an opinion. People should be free to think and feel however they want. Then others are allowed to agree or disagree with them. Just recently a Nobel prize winner made comments about female colleagues. It was a statement by one man and it was actually accurate when it comes to men and women throughout history. But because of the feminist movement people get their feelings hurt and lash out wanting someone to be punished for their opinion. That's exactly what happened. Tim Hunt is the Nobel Prize winner and he was forced to resign after making comments during his acceptance speach. Around the same time Joyce Mitchell who worked at a maximum security prison fell in love with 2 murderers and helped them escape from prison. What do these have to do with each other? In my opinion Joyce Mitchell proved that what Tim Hunt said has some truth to it. That doesn't mean all women fall into the category but.....
A Nobel prize winner recently made some sexist jokes in his speech about how female coworkers either fall in love with you, you fall in love with them, or they cry when criticized. The backlash from his acceptance speech for the award was so overwhelming that he resigned his position. So the world lost a great scientist because he gave his opinion?
http://twitter.com/connie_stlouis/status/607813783075954688/photo/1
A female employee at the Rhikers island correctional facility was arrested for assisting in the escape of two life term convicted murderers. We scold a Nobel Prize award winner for making a statement and less than a week later a female falls in love with an institutionalized criminal? Tim Hunt made those comments and he only said what is statistically correct. People are so sensitive. We forced a nobel prize winner to resign because he made an awkward joke but allow female prison employees to have sex and fall in love with murderers and rapists? Sneaking hacksaw blades in through hamburger? I think I saw that on an episode of ducktales! Women are 70 percent more likely to have a relationship with a prisoner than men are.! Although it is poitically incorrect to say what Tim Hunt said it's statistically true. Here's the article for the story. Why are we so concerned with one man's comments but seem to dismiss a huge problem of women falling in love with their students and violent inmates?
http://kfor.com/2015/06/09/new-york-prison-escape-female-prison-employee-questioned-as-possible-accomplice/
Monday, June 29, 2015
Honesty?
I'm naturally outspoken as a person. I generally have no filter. But as a man that has obligations I'm forced to conform in many ways unless I want the judgement cast upon me from countless sources. One example is my belief in individual freedoms. Let's just say your boss is a very conservative person. Your boss openly expresses his belief that he is a devout Christian and gay marriage is a sin. Or that he is a hard core Republican while you have a different view. Can you really express your beliefs openly without limiting your opportunities in the future with him as your boss? People will try to say that everyone has freedom of speech and you should be able to express your beliefs without the fear of retaliation. But the reality is that you don't have that freedom. You do have the freedom to express yourself but you don't have the guarantee that you will not be penalized for your view. As soon as you enter the discussion and give your opinion that you don't think is anyone's business to tell you who you can or can't marry and that you'd vote for a democrat if you believed in him as an American? You've just affected your future in this boss' department. Don't pretend for a second that you're free to have your opinion. That boss might tell you that you are free to have your opinion, but when it comes down to you and the other person going for a promotion? If that other person shares his viewpoint, or pretends he does? Well, he's going to have an advantage over you. So although I'm outspoken I'm trapped in this realm of only saying so much or I risk alienation.
Back to my point. Everyone is allowed to have their opinion.Or at least they should. I see situations daily that I feel one way but it's an opinion that might be contreversial compared to what the popular opinion would be. In the past I have been open with that opinion. Although I am proud of that it has hurt me in many ways. Especially in the workplace. By the time I am done with a conversation there is always going to be someone who does not agree. Most of the time it's around 50/50. But why should I hide the fact that I'm going to vote for Ben Carson? Because he's a Republican? Or because he's not a politician? I thought I wanted Donald Trump who is a Democrat (?). Where do I stand as a party affiliate there? Sprinkle in a little bit about my religious beliefs and I've already taken 50/50 and made it 25/25/25/25 at the best hope. But why should I alter my viewpoint based on what will be popular? I think that people who say that God made marriage between a man and a woman and that they will not accept it are assuming too much. Did God come to you personally and say that you should go out and judge two men or two women for getting married? If you say yes then you are absolutely lying. The fact is that nobody has the bible! God's word has been altered from its original state to suit man. Now you're really confused!? I believe in a higher power, I don't doubt it at all. But I won't drink the Kool Aid to think that a world that started with a few corrupt systems comprising a few staple religions are telling the complete truth. The biggest disagreement I have with it all is that any one of the choices are completely correct. Islam? Christianity? Mormon? Judaism? Jehovah's witnesses? All of them will tell you that their word is correct yet every other religion will tell you that the other is wrong. How could one God speak to all of these humans? The answer is that every option has some great message to share with the masses. But to believe that one has all of the answers? I would say you're foolish to believe that. If you tell me I'm crazy to not believe that I would ask you which camp you belong too. Then I would ask you how you expect to get all of the other groups to believe if you judge them for not believing everything you believe? You get more bees with honey. Why not find the beliefs that all share and focus on those and then figure out the rest?
I really think that we're in trouble as a society. I don't think 8 billion people can agree to disagree and live in peace while eliminating what causes these issues. We've already passed the point of no return. But should I try and make a difference or continue to just be politically correct and keep my beliefs quiet?
Back to my point. Everyone is allowed to have their opinion.Or at least they should. I see situations daily that I feel one way but it's an opinion that might be contreversial compared to what the popular opinion would be. In the past I have been open with that opinion. Although I am proud of that it has hurt me in many ways. Especially in the workplace. By the time I am done with a conversation there is always going to be someone who does not agree. Most of the time it's around 50/50. But why should I hide the fact that I'm going to vote for Ben Carson? Because he's a Republican? Or because he's not a politician? I thought I wanted Donald Trump who is a Democrat (?). Where do I stand as a party affiliate there? Sprinkle in a little bit about my religious beliefs and I've already taken 50/50 and made it 25/25/25/25 at the best hope. But why should I alter my viewpoint based on what will be popular? I think that people who say that God made marriage between a man and a woman and that they will not accept it are assuming too much. Did God come to you personally and say that you should go out and judge two men or two women for getting married? If you say yes then you are absolutely lying. The fact is that nobody has the bible! God's word has been altered from its original state to suit man. Now you're really confused!? I believe in a higher power, I don't doubt it at all. But I won't drink the Kool Aid to think that a world that started with a few corrupt systems comprising a few staple religions are telling the complete truth. The biggest disagreement I have with it all is that any one of the choices are completely correct. Islam? Christianity? Mormon? Judaism? Jehovah's witnesses? All of them will tell you that their word is correct yet every other religion will tell you that the other is wrong. How could one God speak to all of these humans? The answer is that every option has some great message to share with the masses. But to believe that one has all of the answers? I would say you're foolish to believe that. If you tell me I'm crazy to not believe that I would ask you which camp you belong too. Then I would ask you how you expect to get all of the other groups to believe if you judge them for not believing everything you believe? You get more bees with honey. Why not find the beliefs that all share and focus on those and then figure out the rest?
I really think that we're in trouble as a society. I don't think 8 billion people can agree to disagree and live in peace while eliminating what causes these issues. We've already passed the point of no return. But should I try and make a difference or continue to just be politically correct and keep my beliefs quiet?
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Parents and parenting
My 16 year old son failed his driver's test today. I was hard on him last night because he hit a curb on a turn in a parking lot and again this morning because he didn't turn when I told him to. But I might have been too hard on him and in fact I know I was. The hardest part of parenting is not letting day to day events alter how you treat them. So I get him all worked up when he's already nervous and by the time we get to the DMV he's struggling. I tried to pep talk him into letting it go and relaxing but it was too late. He ended up failing his test and as I walk up to him I see the tears welling up in his eyes and I instantly feel so horrible. You never want to see your child struggle or hurt and I helped cause it. So now I sit here at work feeling shitty about myself but the same way I told him he has to shake it off and move on I have to do the same thing. But it's not easy because they're an extension of you and the last thing you want to have them do is struggle. Life lesson for the both of us. I have to back off now that he'll be 17 in 3 months and I have to start letting him live. I wish I would have realized that yesterday instead of today after he failed his test.
Also, I get a call from my mom's husband Greg. Super nice guy and a big part of why my mother is still alive. I was going to say alive and well but on that phone call Greg told me that she's in ICU with tubes down her throat. I just started talking to my mom again after 25 years last November. Am I going to lose her again already? She might not have been the most nurturing mom but when she was there when I was a child she was loving. I remember one time we were driving down the road and she had to stop real quick in her car Betsy and she put her arm across my chest to protect me. I remember thinking man would that even help but at the same time thinking my mom loves me! That's what I always felt was that she loved me. Unfortunately the guy Paul that she was with didn't know what love was and used to beat her and us. So we had to go live with my mom's brother. So in 4th grade we moved to Whittier with our uncle and only saw my mom once more in 7th grade at my grandmother's funeral. When I talked to her last November she told me the last thing I ever told her was that I hated her. It was so nice to be able to tell her I never hated her and kept loving her all of those years. We both cried and moved on. But FUCK, I'm not ready to lose her again I haven't even had a chance to go see her. I'm just trying to think positive thoughts for her and part of this stress may have got to me as I was taking my son to the DMV. I'm very sorry.:(
Of less importance but still a big deal to me since I am a suffering Oakland Raider fan is the fact they fired another coach last night. Tupac taught me that after every dark night there's a bright day after that. That saying has helped me so much in my life believe it or not. You have to suffer through the bad times to truly enjoy the good times and that's why I stay calm. Of course I didn't stay calm last night and possibly caused my son to fail. But I guess my point is that it's not always easy being a parent but I'll always be there and hopefully I'll figure it out at some point. I really write this for myself so I can remember the lessons later.
Also, I get a call from my mom's husband Greg. Super nice guy and a big part of why my mother is still alive. I was going to say alive and well but on that phone call Greg told me that she's in ICU with tubes down her throat. I just started talking to my mom again after 25 years last November. Am I going to lose her again already? She might not have been the most nurturing mom but when she was there when I was a child she was loving. I remember one time we were driving down the road and she had to stop real quick in her car Betsy and she put her arm across my chest to protect me. I remember thinking man would that even help but at the same time thinking my mom loves me! That's what I always felt was that she loved me. Unfortunately the guy Paul that she was with didn't know what love was and used to beat her and us. So we had to go live with my mom's brother. So in 4th grade we moved to Whittier with our uncle and only saw my mom once more in 7th grade at my grandmother's funeral. When I talked to her last November she told me the last thing I ever told her was that I hated her. It was so nice to be able to tell her I never hated her and kept loving her all of those years. We both cried and moved on. But FUCK, I'm not ready to lose her again I haven't even had a chance to go see her. I'm just trying to think positive thoughts for her and part of this stress may have got to me as I was taking my son to the DMV. I'm very sorry.:(
Of less importance but still a big deal to me since I am a suffering Oakland Raider fan is the fact they fired another coach last night. Tupac taught me that after every dark night there's a bright day after that. That saying has helped me so much in my life believe it or not. You have to suffer through the bad times to truly enjoy the good times and that's why I stay calm. Of course I didn't stay calm last night and possibly caused my son to fail. But I guess my point is that it's not always easy being a parent but I'll always be there and hopefully I'll figure it out at some point. I really write this for myself so I can remember the lessons later.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
It's my birthday!
It's my 38th birthday today! Woohoo! I had a freaking wonderful day. I worked all day but even when I work I have a good time. My day started off with my mom calling me at 7am to say happy birthday. It was the first time that happened in over 26 years. It's all good though. Her and I great! We don't dwell on the past we just look forward to the future and enjoy the moment! That's how I live. Of course we all have our moments of weakness and sadness but like I heard from Tupac one time. After a dark night there's a bright day after that! So then on Facebook had a bunch of friends say happy birthday . Then, at about 4pm my brother-in-law, his wife, my neice, and my nephew all sang happy birthday to me on the phone. I almost cried. But you see early in life I was all insecure, naive, tough, sensitive, and a bunch of other things. I'm still those things today but I've learned a lot about myself. I'm mushy these days like I'm growing a Vagina. lol, whatever though. I just know I feel love. Like the song by Ziggy Marley "Love is my Religion". I feel that way. The older I get the more that love is my religion. I don't care if people think I'm weird for telling my friends I love them. Or for giving people hugs. Or for loving the cashier at the grocery store. They're my friends! So when my brother-in-law calls me (yeah who has a brother-in-law that's one of their best friends?) and sings to me that shit makes me want to weep like a little baby. I'm sappy like that but I don't care.
So Friday we go to Oceanside and play board games, a card game called golf, and crazy 8s. We drink beer and Tequila and bbq chicken and potatoes. The next day we started again. Went to the pool and had some pizza and more beer and tequila. Helped another friend move and then Sunday was my sister-in-law's (my brother-in-law's wife) birthday. We threw a surprise party and had a keg of Corona and had the taco guy come and cook. We all went swimming and had a pinata with the little single shots of vodka and others. Then at like 1am my son and I went swimming and played one on one in some pool basketball. He kicked my ass 7-5 but I was blessed just to be doing that. Next day woke up sore but that was Labor day so it was time to relax. had a turkey burger from Carl's Jr.while one son had ranch bacon swiss, the other son had a grilled Cod sandwich. Went home and slept on the couch while NFL network played on the tv over and over. Had Directv turned off for a few months so had to soak it in.
I have to enjoy these moments. What a freaking wonderful day it was today. I am so appreciative of how lucky I am. I know one day I'll be handed a tough time and I will face it knowing that all of these other times I was extremely lucky. But today Love is my religion and I'm just extremely thankful!
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