From LA to MN

Another day another trip. This time I'm flying into Rochester Minnesota and driving to LaCrosse Wisconsin. I've been to Minnesota many times. I used to fly there when I worked with Target corporation. But I have never been to Wisconsin. It's interesting that I'm going there now. My mother lived in Wisconsin before her death in 2015. We didn't have much time to visit with each other though. As it was only a couple years in between us reconnecting after 28 years of having no idea where she was or if she was alive or dead.

Now, here I am going to a location where the low temperature tomorrow is 7 degrees. I know for some people 7 degrees is not that bad. But for this California kid 7 degrees is arctic cold. Maybe I'll find some sweet Wisconsin girl to keep me warm. Things have been shitty with the wife anyways. I know I know quit complaining. I just honestly believe that 21 years with someone is maybe too long. I get tired of myself, don't know how two people are supposed to stay together forever. Like Andre 3000 said from Outkast "forver ever?". After meeting in 1995 in Hawaii we lost contact but since 1996 we've off and on been together. By off and I mean we got divorced for several years and then remarried. I totally can see why celebrities continue to hop in and out of relationships. Once that newness wears off and both people aren't working hard to keep the other person from leaving, maybe it's easier to move on and find something nee to experience from.

Sometimes I feel trapped though. Bills and kids as well as not wanting to disrupt the entire family because I want something different. My brother-in-law is one of my best friends and I spend most holidays with her family. My family doesn't reach out very much so I tend to keep to myself these days. I used to have a bunch of friends but I slowly realized people are your friends when you're following their itinerary. But try to get them to do what you want and you quickly realized what kind of friends you keep. It's also the fact that the only constant is change. Both my wife and I have changed a lot. I do credit her for a lot of what I've accomplished. While she didn't do it for me she was never afraid to confront me on things. It's caused me to try and prove to her, myself, and everyone else that I can overachieve. Although I could have reached higher, I've accomplished more than I ever though possible. But am I a bad guy for wanting change? My wife wants change too she just doesn't admit it. She plays that portrayal of happy wife whenever we're at functions or when she's on Facebook. Reality is she expected much more than I've provided to her. First problem, her and I are from different worlds. She grew up with a mom who got her everything, including a brand new car at 16 years old. As well as her own apartment in high school when she got pregnant. I believe it's caused her to believe she's owed something. That's why she reminds me weekly that she wants to retire and stay home. No goals, just stay home and relax. For me, I've worked my entire life and had to earn everything I've got. I was paying 200 dollars a month rent in high school and walking 7 miles home from McDonalds after work at midnight. I'm not trying to boast just explain how people from different upbringings sometimes don't see eye to eye on things. In my opinion she coddles my son and tries to tell me how to do things, without actually knowing how or doing it herself. But above that I just think I'm ready to try something different.

At 40 I sometimes feel a little worn out from life and the expectations. Is it so bad to just want to spend one evening with another woman without that person reminding me just how much I owe everyone? Reminding me daily about how she has to work 4 days a week doing customer service and it drains her. Providing my son with more luxuries than I have? My son has two gym passes. One at UCIrvine and another at LA Fitness. He uses them daily but I resent her for always doing what he wants without consulting or agreeing with me first. I'm not saying she needs to consult with me to make decisions but that we're supposed to be a team. When we were trying to convince him to go to UCI instead of UCSC I discussed with her how we could convince him. When I approached him and offered him two Laker tickets in Kobe's last season his words were, "your gonna have to do better than that, mom offered me a Toyota Tacoma". It irritates me that she feels like she runs the show and I'm supposed to just take my ass to work everyday and make it happen.

While women fight and complain about equal opportunity and women's rights many of them walk around with a chip on their shoulder. Instead of realizing they can accomplish just as much as any man, sometimes even more. I know many companies I've worked for hire women more than men. With less experience women gets sales jobs. Bosses are also afraid to discipline them for any failure to do their job. Afraid they'll claim sexual harassment or something. I'm not crying about it just pointing out that women are fighting foe something that is already reality. You can't force every individual from giving equal opportunity but as a whole in America at least the equality is there. But I think it's caused many women especially my wife to have huge chips on their shoulder. Whenever I say something she automatically starts being defensive when I didnt even mean it a certain way. She wasn't like that when we were dating. It was all sweet and nice and blow jobs all the time. Now, she simply says this is reality get used to it and quit complaining. She says I owe it to her and my family so just shut the fuck up and do it. With a 22 year old daughter, 19 year old son, and 17 year old son I feel like I've already busted my ass taking care of my family. Getting them from elementary school through high school in the same school district and only two houses. My feelings are that it'll never be enough for her. Even if I reach another level the requirements change. I just want some relaxing moments with no expectations and after 20+ years I feel i deserve it. Or at least deserve to just to be free of it without guilt or hate. I know there are plenty of women who want a guy who works hard with little drama. A woman who has goals and dreams and her own life but wants someone to enjoy a conversation with or to talk something out with. Or, just be single and know that nobody is going to start screaming at me because I told my son he needs to clean his room before practice and she wants to be their favorite so she verbally attacks me so that they know who she supports most. Fuck that bullshit!

So in the meantime because I haven't figured out a way to afford an apartment for myself and pay her alimony and child support we keep it going. Often sleeping in the same bed while not even liking each other. She's a sweet girl to many and a nice person just not to me. I know she'll be fine though. She's very good at portraying sweet and innocent for a certain amount of time. She'll also suck and swallow for as long as it takes for her to get what she wants. Which would be a new husband with more money and security to let her stay home and retire. It's not me she necessarily wants. It's the easiest route to the easiest life that she wants. While i can't fault her for that i can be in search for something real instead or just for some single peace.

Ok, no more complaining. I am a little anxious going to a new airport and a new city. I don't always fit in everywhere. I can usually blend in easily but I'm an acquired taste for some people. Being a bit brown for one and being a fun easy going guy in a serious angry world is hard. I find myself fighting to resist being angry and cynical. I hope to change my attitude by the time we land. Realize that life is good and I'm very lucky to be blessed with intelligence, fight, and beauty! Lol, just playing about the beauty part but I do have to not allow the negative thoughts to sneak in. Also, the atmosphere in America right now is hostile. So much unrest and lack of faith in each other and our country. I want to every day show that although many of us are different? I support people's individual opinions and right's. I only ask that others believe in the same thing and stand for what they believe but also show respect for other peaceful people that think differently.