I lasted 3 months

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is disappointment in myself and I'm harder on myself than anyone else is. My wife is a close second and my apologies for that jab. Maybe I'm feeling irritable lately. But mostly I'm just upset with myself. I'm so easily distracted it's frustrating. It's hard not to get distracted though. I have a daughter that just had a baby and a son that starts at a UC in the Fall. I have no idea how we're going to pay 23,000 dollars a year but I'm not going to let that keep him from going. He is guaranteed to graduate with over a 4.0 and has worked very hard to get accepted. I try to stay focused and handle my business but I get distracted. It's my adhd and I'm not a great multi-tasker. I feel that if you are doing 2 things at once then you are only doing each at 50%. I prefer to focus on one thing. Anyways, I digress...


I lasted 3 months without drinking. I didn't stop because of any reason besides health. For 3 months I felt level and didn't have to worry about waking up feeling crappy because i drank the night before. I tried my best not to make it a big deal but at times it was. When people ask you if you would like a drink and you decline they get curious. When you tell someone you stopped drinking they instantly want to know the reason. Now all of a sudden it's a topic. There were numerous people that felt Awkward hanging out because of me not drinking. I feel like I can hang without alcohol but maybe I'm not as fun? I'm not much fun these days anyways. I mean I can tell a few jokes and I enjoy my days but my life is so damn serious these days. So after having 2 beers with the wife one night before I left for a week on a business trip I went downhill. The Friday after that I had 3 Stone Delicious IPAs (gluten free) and a couple shots. The following week I drank Thursday and Friday. Now, here we are the following Friday and my wife is already asking me to get her some Guinness and shots.


It all makes me so disappointed in myself. I was so focused on my goal of getting healthier and even getting under 200 pounds by my 40th birthday. Here it is late April and I'd have to go to some sort of boot camp to achieve my goal. I should only write about rainbows and butterflies. Or whatever people would want to read. Instead I try to be real and sometimes that's fucking depressing. Most of the time I promise I'm smiling and just thankful to be in the game. These last few weeks I've been really questioning many things. I seriously should just be happy and not complain. I truly am lucky. But until I wake the fuck up and get my act together I'm going to keep kicking my ass. And that's the part that I'm trying to figure out. Should I just ignore my conscience and just enjoy life and indulge? Or should I be strong and do what I have to do to stay healthy? Seems like a fucking no brainer.