I hate not being normal. I always have. All I ever wanted was to fit in. But it's hard when you're so different. From the color of my skin, the way I think, and the way I view the world. Right on queue though my mom's husband calls and tells me my mother died today Tuesday, August 18, 2015. I had to go back and edit a bit because i tried to just keep writing, oblivious to what I had just been told.But as usual I start feeling sorry for myself and something bigger happens and makes me feel dumb. I'm numb right now. I love my mom, a lot. Always have. But I was also angry with her for a long time. Why did she leave us? Why didn't she come back? So many questions flooded my mind for a lot of years.
But even after not hearing from her for 25 years I still love her unconditionally. I don't know all of the demons she carried with her. I just know that for a lot of my life I just wanted to be normal. I wanted a mother and a father. I wanted to have my own room and the same last name as my mom and dad. To have them show up at parent teacher conferences and to watch me play little league. I was jealous and envious of all those that had what I perceived as a normal life. My cousin Ruben has a mother and father who love him. They went to his baseball games and hug him. I didn't have that as a child. But i don't want to be a whiner or get sympathy, I just want to be normal. It's weird what I remember about my mom. In the 80s seat belts were not mandatory. We'd be driving down the street and if she stopped suddenly she would put her arm in front of me to stop me from going forward. This always brings a smile to my face. There is no way her arm could have prevented anything, but that one act made me smile so many times while she was gone over the years. Or one year when I was young and she didn't have any money. She baked cupcakes cause they were cheaper than a cake. When she was gone memories like that made me miss her more.
She was born Lenora Rae Jones on October 9th, 1949 in Odessa, TX. She died Lenora Rae Brunsch on Tuesday, August 18th, 2015 in Waukesha, WI. She is survived by her husband Greg Brunsch, sisters Debra and Sandra Jones, sons michael and danny, and daughter michelle. She had many talents. When we did live with her she was loving and never yelled. She would get me soft batch cookies and 7up when I was sick and she had a beautiful smile. Now I'm writing 3 days later on Friday August 21st. I'm in California and I find myself getting upset with myself for not going and seeing her in Wisconsin. My sister did and she's in Oklahoma. We kept saying when but it never happened. I was suppose to go to a Brewers and Packers game with her and her husband.
I'm trying not to beat myself up but I can't help it. She wanted to be cremated which happened yesterday. During the day I'm at work and I try to not let people know about it or look for sympathy. At night I sit by myself and go over memories. But no matter what she's gone. I did keep all of her voice mails that she left on my phone since we found each other again after 25 years in 2013. I listened to them the last few days and I'm sure I will in the future as well. Rest in peace mom. Know that no matter what happened I love you and I'm happy we were able to get closure with each other. That I was able to express to you that I could never hate you and when I think of you I smile. My mom lived a complicated life but she did it her way.
Now it's October 9th and my mom would have turned 66 today. I wish I would have spent more time with her and would have should have could have. But reality is what it is. I miss her every day and Rest In Peace.
