Parents and parenting

My 16 year old son failed his driver's test today. I was hard on him last night because he hit a curb on a turn in a parking lot and again this morning because he didn't turn when I told him to. But I might have been too hard on him and in fact I know I was. The hardest part of parenting is not letting day to day events alter how you treat them. So I get him all worked up when he's already nervous and by the time we get to the DMV he's struggling. I tried to pep talk him into letting it go and relaxing but it was too late. He ended up failing his test and as I walk up to him I see the tears welling up in his eyes and I instantly feel so horrible. You never want to see your child struggle or hurt and I helped cause it. So now I sit here at work feeling shitty about myself but the same way I told him he has to shake it off and move on I have to do the same thing. But it's not easy because they're an extension of you and the last thing you want to have them do is struggle. Life lesson for the both of us. I have to back off now that he'll be 17 in 3 months and I have to start letting him live. I wish I would have realized that yesterday instead of today after he failed his test.

Also, I get a call from my mom's husband Greg. Super nice guy and a big part of why my mother is still alive. I was going to say alive and well but on that phone call Greg told me that she's in ICU with tubes down her throat. I just started talking to my mom again after 25 years last November. Am I going to lose her again already? She might not have been the most nurturing mom but when she was there when I was a child she was loving. I remember one time we were driving down the road and she had to stop real quick in her car Betsy and she put her arm across my chest to protect me. I remember thinking man would that even help but at the same time thinking my mom loves me! That's what I always felt was that she loved me. Unfortunately the guy Paul that she was with didn't know what love was and used to beat her and us. So we had to go live with my mom's brother. So in 4th grade we moved to Whittier with our uncle and only saw my mom once more in 7th grade at my grandmother's funeral. When I talked to her last November she told me the last thing I ever told her was that I hated her. It was so nice to be able to tell her I never hated her and kept loving her all of those years. We both cried and moved on. But FUCK, I'm not ready to lose her again I haven't even had a chance to go see her. I'm just trying to think positive thoughts for her and part of this stress may have got to me as I was taking my son to the DMV. I'm very sorry.:(

Of less importance but still a big deal to me since I am a suffering Oakland Raider fan is the fact they fired another coach last night. Tupac taught me that after every dark night there's a bright day after that. That saying has helped me so much in my life believe it or not. You have to suffer through the bad times to truly enjoy the good times and that's why I stay calm. Of course I didn't stay calm last night and possibly caused my son to fail. But I guess my point is that it's not always easy being a parent but I'll always be there and hopefully I'll figure it out at some point. I really write this for myself so I can remember the lessons later.

It's my birthday!

It's my 38th birthday today! Woohoo! I had a freaking wonderful day. I worked all day but even when I work I have a good time. My day started off with my mom calling me at 7am to say happy birthday. It was the first time that happened in over 26 years. It's all good though. Her and I great! We don't dwell on the past we just look forward to the future and enjoy the moment! That's how I live. Of course we all have our moments of weakness and sadness but like I heard from Tupac one time. After a dark night there's a bright day after that! So then on Facebook had a bunch of friends say happy birthday . Then, at about 4pm my brother-in-law, his wife, my neice, and my nephew all sang happy birthday to me on the phone. I almost cried. But you see early in life I was all insecure, naive, tough, sensitive, and a bunch of other things. I'm still those things today but I've learned a lot about myself. I'm mushy these days like I'm growing a Vagina. lol, whatever though. I just know I feel love. Like the song by Ziggy Marley "Love is my Religion". I feel that way. The older I get the more that love is my religion. I don't care if people think I'm weird for telling my friends I love them. Or for giving people hugs. Or for loving the cashier at the grocery store. They're my friends! So when my brother-in-law calls me (yeah who has a brother-in-law that's one of their best friends?) and sings to me that shit makes me want to weep like a little baby. I'm sappy like that but I don't care.

  So Friday we go to Oceanside and play board games, a card game called golf, and crazy 8s. We drink beer and Tequila and bbq chicken and potatoes. The next day we started again. Went to the pool and had some pizza and more beer and tequila. Helped another friend move and then Sunday was my sister-in-law's (my brother-in-law's wife) birthday. We threw a surprise party and had a keg of Corona and had the taco guy come and cook. We all went swimming and had a pinata with the little single shots of vodka and others. Then at like 1am my son and I went swimming and played one on one in some pool basketball. He kicked my ass 7-5 but I was blessed just to be doing that. Next day woke up sore but that was Labor day so it was time to relax. had a turkey burger from Carl's Jr.while one son had ranch bacon swiss, the other son had a grilled Cod sandwich. Went home and slept on the couch while NFL network played on the tv over and over. Had Directv turned off for a few months so had to soak it in. 

 

    I have to enjoy these moments. What a freaking wonderful day it was today. I am so appreciative of how lucky I am. I know one day I'll be handed a tough time and I will face it knowing that all of these other times I was extremely lucky. But today Love is my religion and I'm just extremely thankful!